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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Will Arnett+David Cross in New Show in UK= HILARIOUS -- -- DAMN YOU, BRITAIN!


Back in June, I wrote about a new show for the UK’s Channel Four starring Will Arnett, David Cross, and Spike Jonze called “The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret.” It sounded awesome.cross-jonze-arnett

Here’s the first clip. It is awesome. You really can’t go wrong with Will Arnett swearing at people and David Cross lying like an awkward little weasel. HBO needs to buy the American rights to this with a quickness. I want more of this immediately. Like yesterday immediately.


Homeless Guy ‘Mustard’ Sings Radiohead’s Creep



Living in Los Angeles my entire life has jaded me when it comes to street musicians, failed actors/entertainers, and the countless homeless people telling me to buy them food (yes, begging died with the economy).

If there’s any homeless person who deserves a moment in the spotlight, a huge royalty check, or even just a warm place to sleep, it’s Mustard, the homeless guy who came onto Opie and Anthony’s Sirius XM radio show to blow the minds of everyone in the building with a unique and extremely soulful rendition of Radiohead’s Creep.

I discovered this video on Reddit and a user who goes by ‘fingerrockets’ shed light on the backstory:

“I listen to the O&A show daily at work so I’ll give a little back story here. When they brought this guy on they had no idea he could sing. It was just going to be a radio bit promoting their upcoming “homeless shopping spree.” During the interview it came up that he has written some songs and could play guitar. So they went and got the man a guitar (he did not own one himself) and he proceeded to shock the hell out of everyone. No one expected him to be as good as he was. He played two other songs that he wrote that are kind of in the style of Dave Matthews or John Mayer, I would imagine that stuff will be online shortly.”

For the MP3 version of Radiohead’s Creep and for Mustard’s three other tracks, click here.

You’ll also like:

Dilbert’s Only Love Is The Intertubes — Babelgum

Christmas Carolers Get a Bit Dirty — Babelgum

Don’t Drink Too Much This Holiday Season… — WhenIWasDrunk

Gemma Atkinson Is A 10 (nsfw) — Gorillamask

If Video Games Were Realistic… — Cracked

Former Police Chief Norm Stamper: 'Let's Not Stop at Marijuana Legalization'

By Norm Stamper, AlterNet

These days, it seems like everyone is talking in earnest about marijuana legalization, once dismissed as little more than a Cheech and Chong pipe dream. Indeed, a new poll reveals that 53 percent of Americans now support ending marijuana prohibition.

Bolstered by increasing public support for something once considered to be a political third rail, lawmakers from Rhode Island to Washington State have put the issue on the table for consideration. And citizen initiatives (particularly in California) are cropping up faster than ditch weed.

These are welcome developments to a retired police chief like me who oversaw the arrests of countless people for marijuana and other drugs, but saw no positive impact from all the blood, sweat and tears (and money) put into the effort. Soon, it seems, cops may no longer have to waste time and risk lives enforcing pot laws that don’t actually prevent anyone from using marijuana.

Yet, I'm alarmed that the above-mentioned poll showing majority support for marijuana legalization also found that fewer than one in 10 people agree that it's time to end the prohibition of other drugs.

This no doubt makes sense to some readers at first glance, since more people are familiar with marijuana than other drugs like cocaine, heroin or meth. However, even a cursory study of our drug war policies will reveal that legalizing pot but not other drugs will leave huge social harms unresolved.

Legalizing marijuana only will not:

• Stop gangs from selling other drugs to our kids (since illegal drug dealers rarely check for ID);

• Stop drug dealers from brutally murdering rival traffickers for the purpose of controlling the remaining criminal market for other drugs;

• Stop drug dealers from firing on cops charged with fighting the senseless war on other illicit drugs;

• Stop drug dealers from killing kids caught in crossfire and drive-by shootings;

• Stop overdose deaths of drug users who refrain from calling 911 out of fear of legal repercussions;

• Reduce the spread of infectious diseases like AIDS and hepatitis, since marijuana users don’t inject their drug like heroin users (who sometimes share dirty needles and syringes because prohibition makes it hard to secure clean ones);

• Stop the bloody cartel battles in Mexico that are rapidly expanding over the border into the U.S;

• Stop the Taliban from raking in massive profits from illegal opium cultivation in Afghanistan.

Of course, none of this means that our rapidly growing marijuana legalization movement should slow down.

On the contrary, as the polls show, a majority of Americans understand that legalizing marijuana will produce many benefits. No longer will 800,000 people a year be arrested on pot charges, their lives damaged if not ruined; governments will be able to tax the popular commodity; regulation and revenues will help forge and finance effective programs of drug abuse prevention and treatment; and those vicious cartels will lose as much as half their illicit profits when they can no longer sell marijuana.

Further, once people get used to the idea of allowing legal sales of the previously banned drug we'll be able to point to successful regulation as a model for similar treatment of all other currently illicit substances.

Marijuana legalization is a great step in the direction of sane and sensible drug policy. But we reformers must remember that we’re working to legalize drugs not because we think they are safe, but because prohibition is far more dangerous to users and nonusers alike.

Norm Stamper, a member of Law Enforcement Against Prohibition, is a 34-year police veteran and served as Seattle's chief of police from 1994-2000. He is the author of "Breaking Rank: A Top Cop's Exposé of the Dark Side of American Policing."

© 2009 Independent Media Institute. All rights reserved.

It's Time to Meet the Muppets, Again

"Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody," The Jim Henson Company, 2009

"Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody" debuted on the Muppets' newly inaugurated YouTube channel just three weeks ago. But nearly ten million views later, it already feels like a signpost that we'll look back on fondly -- a goofy capper to a rotten decade, a bridge to whatever lies ahead, and perhaps a future time capsule, a reminder of what it felt like to be alive at this strange time. It's a pop culture upper in a league with two classic bubblegum chart-toppers that heralded the shift from '60s darkness to '70s hedonism: John Lennon's "Whatever Gets You Through the Night" and the Captain & Tennille's cover of "Love Will Keep Us Together."

There's no world-shattering depth to those songs, just a straightforward reassurance that even though times are tough, as long as we're capable of having fun, things aren't quite as bad as they seem. "Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody" and the other offerings on the Muppets' YouTube channel are likewise (deliberately) simple and upbeat -- little rainbows, like the one arcing through the broken soundstage roof at the end of "The Muppet Movie" (1979).

"Ode to Joy" split-screens multiple incarnations of the jumpy dolt Beaker as he vocalizes the most famous section of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Beaker's boss, Dr. Bunson Honeydew, returns in "Muppet Labs Experiment 5T832: Ghost Hunt," turning Beaker loose in a haunted house and yammering obliviously while Beaker shrieks at bats, spiders and apparitions. "Cårven Der Pümpkîn" brings back the Swedish chef, who's nearly outsmarted by a couple of gourds. "Skateboarding Dog Gets Served!" spoofs "stupid pet tricks" clips, teaming motor-mouthed rodent scammer Rizzo with Rowlf the Dog, who nearly injures himself doing a dangerous stunt that doesn't get captured on tape because the hungry Rizzo is busy shooting a guy eating a slice of pizza. ("We should go put it on web," Rowlf gasps at the end. "The term is online," Rizzo corrects him.)

12152009_muppets7.jpgEach sketch ends with Statler and Waldorf, the grumpy old men who lobbed insults from the balcony on "The Muppet Show," grousing about the video you just watched, or the internet in general. ("When I was a kid they hadn't invented the web," Statler declares after the skateboarding video. "When you were a kid, they hadn't invented the wheel!" Waldorf replies.) Sam the Eagle fronts a rousing a cappella rendition of "Stars and Stripes Forever"; Gonzo conducts a chorus of chickens clucking Johann Strauss' "Blue Danube Waltz" in "Classical Chicken" and Beaker, the Swedish Chef and Animal sing "Habanera" from Bizet's "Carmen."

The publication of this first batch of videos isn't just an auspicious occasion for Muppet fans; it might mark the exact moment when the characters really, truly, finally came back, and reclaimed their rightful place at the center of American popular culture.

The commonly accepted narrative of the Muppets holds that they lost something when Henson died in 1990 of pneumonia -- and that the films and TV projects that followed were good-natured but doomed attempts to recapture the magic (a quest further hampered by the absence of Henson's actual voice, which gave life to Kermit and other central characters). All true. But it's also worth arguing that the Muppets started to drift away from the wellspring of their inspiration as early as the 1980s, when Henson fell in love with long-form storytelling and put sketch comedy on the back burner.

Henson's creations have been around for over four decades, starting out as guest performers (creatures?) on talk and variety series. They found a home on PBS' "Sesame Street" in 1969, broke away to form their own syndicated series, "The Muppet Show" (1976-81), then migrated to theatrical films, starting with 1979's "The Muppet Movie." There were more movies, plus television spinoffs (including the animated series "Muppet Babies," 1984-1991) and periodic attempts to revive the variety show (1989's short-lived "The Jim Henson Hour" and "Muppets Tonight," which ran from 1996-98 on ABC and then the Disney Channel).

But with hindsight, it becomes clear that Muppets were at the peak of their powers from the mid-'70s through the early '80s, when the original variety series, set in a big old theater, was still cranking out new episodes -- offering a mix of music, slapstick and goofy banter modeled on the American vaudeville and English music hall traditions. They were creatures of TV -- specifically grab bag TV, a format descended from vaudeville and the golden age of radio. Grab bag TV encompassed everything from live action music/comedy/variety to talk shows and children's programs such as "Sesame Street."

12152009_muppetmovie6.jpgHenson's creations might have represented the last organic link to that type of entertainment, which was on its way out when "The Muppet Show" debuted. When Kermit interacted on "The Muppet Show" with Ethel Merman, or when master ventriloquist Edgar Bergen made a brief cameo in "The Muppet Movie," one could sense the love and respect in every frame; the Muppets (especially Kermit, Henson's alter ego) were acolytes paying tribute to their aesthetic grandparents. The troupe worked in the old showbiz vein, getting in and getting out in the time it took to set up a premise and work it to its logical (or illogical) conclusion. (An early, classic example is a sketch from a 1967 installment of "The Ed Sullivan Show" in which an intelligent computer explains its purpose to Cookie Monster, who's mainly interested in eating it. The sketch's meticulous build to a literally explosive finale is a marvel of comic architecture on par with the last few minutes of Laurel and Hardy's destruction derby "Big Business.")

"The Muppet Movie," Henson Associates, 1979

Whether the stars of a given Muppet TV sketch were Bert and Ernie and Oscar the Grouch or Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear and Rowlf the Dog, the characters were nearly always at their best in small doses. The gag-a-minute format meant that you never had time to tire of any one character, or fixate too long on the fact that a particular sketch wasn't working. Except for "The Muppet Movie," which of all the films came closest to capturing the relaxed, anything-for-a-laugh approach that defined the original variety series (Kermit: "That's a myth! A myth!" Carol Kane: "Yeth?"), the features felt a tad forced and unfocused.

That's because the Muppets were being asked to do something that didn't come naturally to them -- blend into a story and carry its meanings forward. Henson's characters were beloved because of who they were -- because of their personalities and tics and obsessions -- not because of what was happening to them and how nobly they held up under misfortune. They were clowns that owed more to Milton Berle and Jack Benny than Charlie Chaplin. That automatically made the Muppet films -- even when they were firing on all cylinders -- seem to lack a certain, ineffable something. (I'm excluding such Henson projects as "The Dark Crystal" and "Labyrinth" from the hypothesis, since they didn't involve signature Muppet creations, but stand-alone creatures fabricated in Henson's shop.)

In this sense, the Muppets had a key quality in common with the Looney Tunes animated characters. Like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd, Kermit and company were always themselves first; the laughs nearly always came from watching the characters try and fail to suppress their essential natures when circumstances required it.

Think of how Elmer Fudd and Bugs Bunny keep confirming their Elmer and Bugs-ness in "What's Opera, Doc?" They're trying to subordinate their signature traits (Elmer's lisp, Bugs' penchant for drag) to serve the majesty of Richard Wagner, and of course they can't. The sight of Bugs and Elmer striving to be "operatic" (note Bugs' dutiful deep breaths between sung lines, and Elmer's demonic scowl and ramrod posture as he calls down hurricanes, typhoons and smog) isn't just endearing. It adds another conceptual layer to director Chuck Jones' parody and makes the whole thing unexpectedly touching, even stirring. The characters' performances are heroically committed even though they're more enthusiastic than skillful, and that combination of aspects makes the whole thing sublime.


Henson and company managed a similar brand of casual sorcery each week on the original "Muppet Show." Think of guest star Rita Moreno trying to croon a subdued, sultry version of "Fever" while in the background, Animal can't resist beating his drums to death. Moreno tries to convince Animal to relax and serve the song, but he can't not be Animal. The sketch ends with Moreno mooshing the drummer's fuzzy head between two cymbals. ("Wadda woman!" Animal cries.)

The irrepressible vividness of the Muppets' and Looney Tunes characters' personas rarely suited the needs of feature-length fictional narratives, which ask performers (whether real or virtual) to merge with the story and become someone else. That might be why most Looney Tunes "features" (quotes intentional) are just compilations of pre-existing short films plus substandard linking material; they're less real movies than apologies for not being able to deliver a real movie -- tacit admissions that the characters don't really work in anything but a short format.

And it surely explains why the first dedicated attempt at a full-length, stand-alone feature involving the Looney Tunes characters, 1996's "Space Jam," feels so obscenely wrong. We're supposed to accept that Bugs, Daffy and company fear for their lives and for the safety of the universe -- an intrusion of dramatic tension that works at cross-purposes with the characters' "Relax, It's Just Showbiz" attitude. (Worse still is the idea that Bugs Bunny, trickster extraordinaire, would need Michael Jordan's help with anything.)

The only Looney Tunes feature that worked, really worked, was Joe Dante's "Looney Tunes: Back in Action" (2003), a Dada-esque exercise in cliché-teasing, fourth-wall-breaking insanity that let the characters be themselves (times ten) and used plot the way Bertolt Brecht used it -- as a means of calling attention to the conventions and purposes of storytelling itself (like the bit in "The Muppet Movie" where Kermit and Fozzie bring Dr. Teeth and his orchestra up to speed on their adventures thus far by handing him the screenplay). Dante, God bless him, grasped a simple fact about his inherited characters that Henson's successors (and even Henson himself) seemed to inclined to reject: requiring Kermit or Miss Piggy or Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck to serve material, any material, snuffs out the source of their appeal.


Muppet features that ignore this truth (which is to say, most of them) consign themselves to being forgettable diversions. "A Muppet Christmas Carol" (1992), for instance, only comes to life when Michael Caine's Scrooge is being spooked by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future -- original, spectacular creations, none played by the Muppet troupe's stars, who are shunted off to the margins of the story. Dickens' familiar characters shackle the Muppets' charisma. Gonzo narrates, Kermit plays Bob Cratchit and Miss Piggy, who at the very least should have been cast as the Ghost of Christmas Future and empowered to karate-chop some sense into Scrooge, plays Cratchit's wife. That's as inconceivable as casting Angelina Jolie as a sexless martyr. (Oops, I forgot -- Jolie already did that to herself.)

The only post-"Muppet Movie" feature with real spark is the 2005 TV special "The Muppets' Wizard of Oz," which leans heavily on the viewer's fondness for L. Frank Baum while also flaunting a what-the-heck, let's-try-it attitude towards shtick, the likes of which hasn't been seen since Henson's heyday. Miss Piggy finally gets a role she can sink her snout into -- four roles, actually: the Witches of the North, South, East and West. She's always Miss Piggy, swollen-headed diva, and she gives her career-best performance as the Witch of the West, who screams through the sky on a jet-propelled motorcycle while wearing a studded leather biker mama outfit (with eye-patch!).

"Ode To Joy," The Jim Henson Company, 2009

Some of the other stars are cast in parts that either comment on their familiar personas (brainy Kermit as the Scarecrow, meek Fozzie as the Cowardly Lion) or brazenly ignore them. The funniest of the newer characters, Pepe the King Prawn, plays Toto -- which is to say he plays Pepe the King Prawn, strolling through Oz in a hipster jacket while spewing Latin-accented malapropisms. (The movie reaches a surreal peak when Pepe turns to the camera and deadpans, "Those of you who have 'Dark Side of the Moon,' press play now.")

The Muppets' reinvention as an online phenomenon is an encouraging development because it reconnects the troupe with the basic sources of Henson's magic: the strength of the Muppets' personalities, and the notion of performance as a journey in itself, as bold and edifying as any narrative. At its best, the original "Muppet Show" was conceptual comedy with training wheels, owing as much to Brecht, Ernie Kovacs and Salvador Dalí as it did to any variety series (or children's program) being made at that time. There were always two shows going on: the one that the theater audience saw onstage, and the behind-the-scenes insanity, with Kermit's stage manager kissing the posterior of that week's guest star while managing the egos of his repertory troupe.

It was Showbiz 101 for tots (and tots-at-heart). Ben Vereen singing "Pure Imagination", Julie Andrews performing "The Lonely Goatherd" and the "talented but frightening" Alice Cooper blowing the doors off the theater with "School's Out" served as examples of true professionalism -- a benign contrast to the personal silliness that usually prevented the show's regulars from achieving greatness: Miss Piggy's vanity, Gonzo's clueless desire to impress, Fozzie's incompetence. And let's not forget wild-card developments such as Waldorf trying to court guest star Valerie Curtin with a potted jungle vine that eventually takes over the theater.

The Muppet Channel is still a fledgling enterprise, but what's there suggests that the people running it really, truly get it. The videos are about the length of a "Muppet Show" sketch, and they manage the tricky feat of succeeding as stand-alone goofs (i.e., as endlessly re-playable YouTube videos) while being true to the characters, showcasing them not just as performers but as individuals. (In "Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody," Animal spaces out during his solo, repeating "Mama?" over and over -- a bit that reacquaints us with Animal's mouth-breathing stupidity while deftly excising the least kid-friendly part of the song's lyrics.)


The new shorts exist to re-start the Muppets as a cash cow for their parent company, Disney, while cross-promoting Disney's other media properties (including Queen, whose greatest hits have just been repackaged on CD for the umpteenth time). But there's enough integrity in the first batch of videos to suggest that the Muppets will be Muppets first, properties second. The YouTube clips kid the clichés of the still-young viral video format just as "The Muppet Show" kidded the conventions of vaudeville, variety series and backstage melodrama. (The Rizzo-Rowlf skateboarding clip is shot with a wobbly handheld camera, just like a real skateboarding video.)

They also find new media equivalents for some of the most beloved bits from the old variety show. At the end of "Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody," and throughout "Ode to Joy" and "Classical Chicken," the screen splits into boxes to showcase each participant in the song's multi-part harmony; the mosaic tile effect evokes the rows of creatures stacked on top of each other at the end of the "Muppet Show" credits. Statler and Waldorf's post-video gripes poke fun at how the Internet has turned the whole planet into Comic Book Guys, stampeding online after each new pop culture experience to dub it The Worst Ever. Watching the Muppets' YouTube channel is like attending a reunion comprised only of people you really wanted to see again, and discovering, to your relief, that they've aged beautifully, and are even more charming than you remembered.

[Additional photos: Edgar Bergen in "The Muppet Movie," Associated Film Distribution, 1979; Rita Moreno on "The Muppet Show," The Jim Henson Company, 1976; "The Muppet Christmas Carol," Buena Vista Pictures, 19992]

New Inception Poster is Like a Knight to Remember

Written by Kyle Buchanan

The new poster for Christopher Nolan’s Inception has been released and…hey, it looks a little familiar. The vast, wet cityscape. The figure with his back to us, palming a weapon. The kerning! Yes, the Inception poster may read “From the Director of The Dark Knight” at the bottom, but you’d hardly need a magnifying glass to know that at first glance. Did Leonardo DiCaprio ever tell you how he got those scars?

The full poster, after the jump:


Periodic Table of Beer Styles

Click to Enlarge...

Here is a more detailed here:

64GB iPhones and 128GB iPod Touches on the Way?


Toshiba has just announced the availability of a new embedded NAND flash memory chip, which can hold up to 64GB of data. These are the chips that sit inside the iPhone and iPod Touch.

One reason that the iPod Touch usually has more memory than the iPhone is that, despite its skinny form, there is more room inside. Consequently, the Touch can fit in two chips where the iPhone only has space for one. This new release from Toshiba, then, means that the iPhone could double-up on storage and the iPod Touch could again leap ahead.

Of course, pricing of these chips will have a lot to do with when Apple actually starts to buy them. This, in combination with the now well-established launch schedule of iPhones in the summer and iPods in the Autumn means that we might be waiting a while. On the other hand, if Apple goes ahead with a camera-equipped Touch as expected, we may get a New Year surprise.

One thing we are sure of is that the days of the hard-drive based iPod Classic are now numbered.

Toshiba Launches Highest Density Embedded NAND Flash Memory Modules [Toshiba]

5 Animals That Can Do Amazing Things ... With Their Penises

article image

Some say that nothing speaks to the loving hand of a creative designer better than nature's cornucopia of intricate and elaborate penises, uniform only in their beauty.

Giggle if you want, but sex keeps the animal kingdom going and to meet this task, some creatures have evolved penises that are a cape and a mask away from fighting crime.

The Elephant's Prehensile Fifth Leg

Look, you didn't need us to tell you that elephants probably have gigantic genitals. Though... if you didn't previously realize just how big, well, look at the picture. That's not a malformed leg back there he's standing on. That's totally his undoctored-by-Photoshop dong.

But to really grasp its magnificence, you need to see it in action. That's when you realize that they can, and do, use it for anything. Hell, wouldn't you?

Imagine this attached to your crotch.

Say an elephant is off balance, maybe the ground is uneven where's he picking out some fruit to eat, or something. No problem, they just lean on their dick. No, we're not just making a cheap joke here--read it from an expert.

Or, perhaps the dreaded tste fly is bothering our poor pachyderm pal in places his trunk just can't reach. He'll just swat them with his massive and impressively dexterous penis. An itch in one of those hard to reach places? Penis.


Enjoy this video that we... think is NSFW (it's elephant penis, maybe it depends on where you work?)

Uh, yeah, it kind of turns horrifying toward the end, with his dick twirling around like a tentacle, trying to find the sweet spot on his elephant lover. Elephants are so big they find it tricky to line up their genitals and thrust rhythmically so what'll happen is the Babar will mount Celeste and just stand there while his super-penis feels around.

Elephant sex is a lot like snaking a clogged drain.

The male doesn't have to shake his hips or anything, just hold on tight and await the glory while his motorized member explores the space.

By the way, some of you reading this have already said, "What about dolphins? Their prehensile penises are universally considered the greatest achievement as a species." Well, there have always been rumors about that but there appear to be no scholarly sources backing this claim up.

"For the last time! I don't know if dolphins have 'rockin' junk. Next question."

Still, for your enjoyment here's a video of a dolphin trying to pick up a toy ball with his boner. Or he may just be trying to hump it, hard to say.

But if you think either of them have the most talented penises in the animal kingdom, well...

The Argonaut's Detachable Penis

How many times has this happened to you: You're busily going about your day, say, delivering pizzas, when some beautiful female customer demands you have sex with her via lots of fairly obvious innuendo.

"Did somebody order a large sausage?"

What do you do? You've not finished your important errands, but this poor girl needs your seed! Right now! You don't want to leave her hanging, do you? Well if you're an argonaut (a.k.a. a paper nautilus), there is no conflict at all. You simply detach your dick. It will go take care of its business while you take care of yours.

The argonaut's penis has its own tail, allowing it to swim to the female if the dude is so busy he can't even be bothered to go over and say hi.

In fact when the penis was first noticed by science it was thought to be as a parasitic worm. It was years before it was discovered that the flailing member was actually a brainless, sperm-filled guided missile.

"Hey, a pretty girl. Quick, fire your dick at her!"

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in that laboratory when they first made the discovery ("PENIS! IT'S A PENIS! DON'T TOUCH IT!"). Though it also casts new light on the Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League, who we've now decided have the best mascot in sports.

Though we have some suggestions for a more imaginative logo.

The Flatworm's Penis Sword

We made a big deal out of the many uses of an elephant penis earlier, but there's no question it has limits. For instance, we can't find any evidence of an elephant killing a dude with it (obviously if such a YouTube video existed, it would be the most-viewed clip in Internet history).

Thus the elephant finds its penis ranked well below that of the flatworm. If you're a flatworm, all you need to get through a day of sex, hunting and fighting is your amazing penis. What human can say that? OK, other than him.

We mean Sean Connery, not James Bond

Tucked away in the last place you'd think to look (his mouth) the flatworm keeps an amazing dagger-penis so hard and sharp it is used for hunting and self-defense. Again: The flatworm has a penis inside his mouth, which is so rock solid that he uses it kill things. What would be better than that?

Having two of them. Which he does (both in his mouth, naturally). Here is a video of two flatworms having a duel with their boners.

If you were asking yourself whether or not that was the "fighting" or "mating" part, it was both.

We have termed the act "battle-fuck."

The cockfights (GET IT?!) are what keep the species going. Since flatworms are hermaphrodites, when two of them happen to meet they'll get erections, open their mouths and start stabbing until someone is either pregnant or dead. It's strangely mesmerizing. Seriously, we could watch these videos all day.

Barnacles Are Freakishly Well-Endowed

When asked what they want to be reincarnated as, almost nobody says "barnacle." That's because they don't know enough about barnacles.

As a barnacle you don't have to work a day in your life, you get to travel around the world for free (assuming you're smart enough to live on the hull of a ship or a whale and not some lame-assed rock) and you have largest proportional penis in the known universe. They employ said penis frequently in massive barnacle orgies.

Barnacles are the Bruce Campbell's of the sea.

The thing is, barnacles can't move (every day's a Sunday!) so you can see how that would normally stand in the way of an active sex life. Their solution is to all lump themselves together in colonies. But who would want to be stuck mating with the barnacle that just happened to set down roots next to them?

To solve this problem, evolution and/or the Lord God Almighty teamed up to bless these already lucky little bastards with a really big penis. Like really big.

Can you spot the barnacle in this picture?

Like eight times the length of their body. That's like if you had a 50-foot penis. Scientists say that an equivalent human could, in a threesome, stand on opposite sides of the house from one partner while the other used your looped member like a double-dutch jump rope.

To make the whole barnacle sex scene just a little freakier, they are all hermaphrodites. So if they wanted to they could just mate with themselves, but this is considered to be "for pussies" in barnacle culture.

No, they prefer to mate with anyone and everyone around them using their gigantic junk. If you're thinking that this involves a barnacle reaching out with his lengthy dong and just slapping it around the colony blindly until it lands in a vagina, well, that's pretty much it.

And, of course, if somehow nobody else within their (impressive) dong radius is in the mood, they can always have sex with themselves. And you wanted to be reincarnated as a bald eagle? They don't even have penises.

Is it too late to get this printed on all of the money?

Ducks Have Swiss Army Dongs

Ducks are a pretty amazingly boring species until you consider their fantastic genitals. We're talking about junk whose claims to fame includes spikes, corkscrews, booby trapped vaginas and, as far as size goes, well, they can hold their own.


Though that last one raises a question: ducks aren't like barnacles, they don't need a huge spool of penis to reach their mates. They can walk or swim right up to them. Scientists are just as puzzled by this excess you are, and right now their best guess goes by the batshit-insane title of The Penis Lasso Theory.

Ducks, sadly, are assholes who really really like to rape. It's estimated that at least one third of all duck sex is forced, so it's important for ducks to have a way of catching their victims. Hence a cock so long that some scientists honestly believe they wield it like a bull whip.

Indiana Jones in the process of apprehending and raping a fleeing Shia LaBeouf.

The rapey nature of duck mating has led to a bizarre sort of duck genital arms race, with females building greater and more complex vaginal defenses over time. Thus, some duck species' have vaginas that corkscrew in the opposite direction of the males' corkscrew penises, and even have up to eight false pathways to make the intrusive penis take a wrong turn.

Of course, the mere fact that ducks still exist as a species is testament to the increasing ingenuity and dedication of the males' genitals. No one can say for sure how long it will be before ducks abandon flying and take to swinging through the trees like the well-endowed characters in some disturbing furry fan-art, but absolutely everyone agrees that it's only a matter of time. And every sports team in the world will fight to switch their mascot.

The Complex Holiday Soundboard: Click On It!


Not content to leave you with just the O.G. Complex Soundboard and Complex Soundboard II for the holidays, we’ve cooked up another marvelous compilation in time for Christmas…and Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, and Festivus, and Tet, and Ramadan, and the muthafuckin’ New Year—presenting The Complex Holiday Soundboard! Man, we stuffing stockings like the Red Hot Chili Peppers in this bitch.

Soundboard veterans know the drill by now: What you see above is a fully embeddable, interactive collection of audio clips, now with 100% more holiday material! Ho, ho, ho muthafuckas! For a key to who’s who, read below…

ROW 1: (Left to right) Hans Gruber (from Die Hard), Kurtis Blow, Adam Sandler, Riley Freeman, Keith Murray, Miles Finch (from Elf), Willie (from Bad Santa), Jam Master Jay, Riley Freeman, Pete Schweddy (Alec Baldwin from SNL), Run

ROW 2: Scrooge McDuck, Craig (from Friday After Next), Bart Simpson, Sue (from Bad Santa) Master P, Alvin, Kool Moe Dee, Willie (from Bad Santa), Ralphie Parker (from A Christmas Story), The Notorious B.I.G., Cartman

ROW 3: Krusty the Clown, Adam Sandler, Buddy (from Elf), John McClane (from Die Hard), John Legend, Bill O’Reilly, Mr. Hankey, Frank Costanza (from Seinfeld), Bart Simpson, Craig (from Friday After Next), Gangster Johnny (from Home Alone 2)

Apple Enables Video on iPhone 2G and 3G

Apple Enables Video on iPhone 2G and 3G [updated]

Apple has enabled owners of its older 2G and 3G handsets to record video by admitting the new iVideoCamera app to the iTunes store. [as well as the UStream Broadcaster app for 3G handsets - update at foot of post]

Users can now legitimately record, share and save videos without having to ‘jailbreak‘ their handsets.

As reported on the Apple Blog, the app comes in at only 99 cents in the US store, and has similar entry-level pricing in other iTunes stores around the world.

Adding this third party application to an iPhone 2G or 3G handset means that there is even less incentive to move up to the 3GS model and may prompt those coming up to the end of their contracts to wait and see what iPhone news Apple has to announce in the spring before committing to an upgrade path.

Beware though, there are some significant limits to the app, and it is not helped by the camera installed in 2G and 3G iPhones. The app itself can only capture video at a maximum of three frames per second… far behind the 30 frames per second capacity of the 3GS. Quality is, therefore, limited as is the resolution which comes in at 160 x 213, compared to 640 x 480 on the 3GS.

On the upside, whilst there is no opportunity to share on Twitter yet, videos can be quickly uploaded to YouTube, Facebook and Vimeo from within the app itself.

Development team Laan Labs, creators of the iVideoCamera app, promise improved frame rates and quality in forthcoming releases.

UPDATE: The UStream Broadcaster app is another newcomer to the store and is available free. The app enables live streaming of video from 3G handsets or better over 3G and WiFi. Sadly, there’s no support for 2G iPhones, but 3G owners can enjoy live chat whilst broadcasting, as well as the ability to share on Twitter when going live.

Hat-tip to @technicalfault for the heads-up on UStream.

Virgin Racing Formula 1 team launches


The Virgin Racing Formula 1 team was officially launched in London today, where it was confirmed that one of the sport’s four new entrants has teamed up with Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin brand to embark on an exciting F1 (ad)venture.

300 guests assembled at the Louise Blouin Foundation in Notting Hill, the London district where it all began for the Virgin brand. The Rick Parfitt Jr band provided the icebreaker before the venue rocked to the electrifying sound of a Formula 1 car courtesy of a collection of up and coming musicians playing electric guitars.

Richard Branson and the Virgin Racing management team of Nick Wirth, John Booth and Alex Tai outlined the vision for their lean, mean racing machine and revealed the team’s dynamic young driver line-up. Alongside Timo Glock were two new additions to the Virgin Racing stable - Brazilian hot shot Lucas di Grassi and GP2’s Portuguese revelation Alvaro Parente.

Virgin Racing also welcomed no fewer than nine new partners to the team.

Virgin Racing had better get used to the lights, cameras and action. A star is now born and the countdown to the 2010 curtain-raiser has begun.

For more information head to Virgin Racing.

Evel Knievel's son to recreate double-decker bus stunt


Evel Knievel attempts to jump over 13 buses at Wembley Stadium in May 1975
Evel Knievel broke his pelvis during the London stunt in 1975

The son of stuntman Evel Knievel plans to complete a double-decker bus jump that nearly ended his father's career.

Robbie Knievel, 47, will try to jump over 16 buses at Wembley, west London, in May - riding a classic Harley Davidson XR-750 machine.

Evel Knievel broke his pelvis during his 1975 bid to jump over 13 buses.

"Although my dad's jump ended with broken bones and a lot of pain, I'm confident he'll be smiling down on this one," Mr Knievel said.

"Daredevils are a dying breed. I'm proud to have been raised by one and to be one myself."

His father attempted the stunt in front of an audience of 90,000 people at Wembley Stadium, on 25 May 1975.

Robbie Knievel
Whether I make or miss it, at least I gave it a shot
Robbie Knievel

But his rear wheel clipped the last bus in the row and he somersaulted onto the ramp with the bike crashing down on top of him.

A concussed Knievel announced his retirement over the stadium's PA system.

Nevertheless he returned five months later, successfully clearing 14 buses in Ohio and setting a new world record.

The senior daredevil, who made 300 jumps before retiring in 1980, died aged 69 in November 2007.

His son gained fame in 1989 when he successfully jumped 150ft (45m) over the fountains at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.

He has completed more than 350 professional jumps, including 20 world records.

Mr Knievel said he was "looking forward" to making the attempt to clear the jump that thwarted his father.

"I can never fill the shoes of my father because he was the greatest stunt guy in the world - the greatest daredevil," he said.

"Whether I make or miss it, at least I gave it a shot."