Unbelievable McCain Vs. Obama Dance-Off
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The presidential nominees get into an amazing and hilarious dance competition. Which one will win?
Friday, October 24, 2008
Digital Conversion PSA
Talkshow with Spike Feresten cast member, Mae LaBorde, helps you prepare for the 2009 digital switch.
Gisele Bündchen is a Good Model!!
Gisele is in V magazine (I don’t know what that is) posing for what many are calling, "the Greatest Pictures Ever Taken". I never really thought she was very attractive before, but now I realize she’s the perfect woman, and everything I’ve ever wanted or dreamt about. Put up your dukes, Tom Brady!
8 Extraordinary Laptops
1. The Crazy Outdoor Laptop:
Manufactured by Beltronic Industrial Technology, the Bit-RNB M230 exceeds not only industry specifications, but military specs as well, boasting praise from Navy Seals and Black-Ops alike. Built to survive, this laptop is tested and proven to work in a variety of extreme conditions including operating at temperatures between -20°C to +55°C, as well as working at altitudes of over 4500 meters. Pretty tough stuff.
Cost: $4,350
2. The Really Tiny Laptop:
The Asus Eee PC, so named because the Es stand for "Easy to learn, Easy to work, Easy to play". It's a pity they didn't call it the "Eeee", as I'm sure the fourth E would mean "Easy to hate". Having seen the laptop in action, it's small to the point of being irritating, it runs Linux of all things and it has all the processing power of a small African beetle. However, it is functional, conveniently-sized for those of you that like really small things and this is reflected in the fortunately-small price-tag.
Cost: Around $500 depending on model.
3. The Gold/Diamond Laptop (or any other piece of hardware):
Professional customizers Computer Choppers can alter a whole host of items to make them look more awesome, or even order them for you. Recently, they've done THIS to an Apple MacBook Pro. What they've done is taken the normal laptop, and plated it with 24kt gold and made it so the Apple logo is filled with diamonds. How decadent! The company have even done a package that includes the laptop, customization and a whole host of added peripherals.
Cost: $8000
4. The Pleasingly Retro Laptop:
Curiously fashioned from an Atari 800 console by one Mr. Benjamin J Heckendorn, this is essentially a laptop stuffed full of creamy retro goodness. With such delightful features as a keyboard, player controls, a TFT screen, a cursor control knob (of which he is particularly proud) and just general awesomeness. Check out the making of!
Cost: The pain of taking apart your childhood and hoping you don't mess up.
5. The Steampunk Laptop:
This laptop practically oozes style and awesome. Made by some Japanese fellow and weighing in at around 10kg, this is one laptop with style you can't mess with. It has typewriter keys, a spacebar made from wood and a Morse code key (the tappy part of the Morse code machine) over the trackball. Seeing this, you can't help but be reminded of Rapture, for all you Bioshock fans.
Cost: Look Mr. Bubbles, an angel...I mean...An awesome laptop!
6. The Obligatory "Expensive only because it has Gemstones on it" Laptop:
The Tulip E-Go Diamond warrants its hefty price-tag because it's inlaid with "solid palladium white gold" and the thousands of tiny diamonds (totaling 80 carats in weight) all over it, not to mention the rubies used in the Tulip logos. As you can see from the system spec on the webpage, it's of passable laptop quality. But honestly, you're not going to be buying one of these to show your friends just how badly it fails at running Crysis, are you? You're buying it because it looks like a handbag, right?
Cost: $380,000 and your self-respect.
7. The Clockwork, Old-Style Laptop:
Another work of sheer steampunk brilliance by the wonderful Datamancer. It features an elaborate glass and wooden casing, resplendent with complicated clockwork...er...workings, leather wrist pads and it turns on by using a wind-up key, amongst other things. The laptop itself is a fully-functional Hewlett-Packard ZT1000 that runs Windows XP and that silly Linux thing.
Cost: Time.
8. The Million Dollar Laptop:
Cliche the title may be, but that is actually the price of luxury-fetishists Luvaglio's outrageous offering. It's so exclusive that you first of all need to be invited by the CEO of Luvaglio to be able to access their website in order to even think about spending the $1,000,000 to purchase it. Details on the laptop spec remain scarce, but it apparently boasts a "self-cleaning display screen" and the Power button comes in the form of a very rare diamond, without which the laptop cannot function, thereby acting as some sort of hilariously expensive anti-theft device that you'll kill yourself if you misplace.
Cost: Too much.
8 Insane Modded and Customized Laptops
1. The Xbox 360 Laptop
Another work of artistic brilliance/insanity from Mr. Benjamin J Heckendorn, this is a laptop fashioned from an Xbox 360 (complete with a comedic conversation between him and the sales rep at the store he bought it from) and, like the rest of his stuff, actually works! Now you can show your friends just how “hueg liek ecksbawks” this laptop really is.
2. The Duke Nukem-style Laptop
Limited to just 300 units and mentioned a few years back (so most likely sold out), this crazy-looking laptop comes with a bunch of cool stuff to customize the look with, including stickers and wallpapers. Brought to you by NEC and Takara, the TYPE-N01 even comes with an “emergency” power-off button, which turns the laptop off immediately. Whilst I’m sure this was meant for when “intruders” try to hack the laptop whilst you’re on it, I’ll bet it was actually used to prevent embarrassing situations when someone barges into your room without knocking.
3. The Pimp-Yet-Kitsch Laptop
Customized by the seemingly-pretentious Testa Motari, this is a laptop which has been lovingly decked out in authentic Brazilian Rosewood with solid 18kt gold. The keyboard is laser-etched and gold plated, as is the touchpad and the mouse. Truly quite decadent, yet also leaves you with a feeling somewhat akin to “…meh”.
4. The Custom Laptop Shop
Not technically a laptop, but a place that customizes them. Based in Miami, NVousPC are willing to personalize a laptop in a number of crazy ways, including paintjobs (of just about anything) and engravings. It seems that for the design of your laptop, the sky is the limit as long as it involves putting a picture on the back of your laptop, which is pretty cool but not mind-blowingly epic.
5. The Do-It-Yourself Laptop
A person by the name of Torquil was fed up with the prices of computer parts, so decided to make one. Wanting to build a laptop that could be upgraded at any point as components grew too old and needed to be replaced. As you can see from the pictures, it seemed like tricky business, but the end result is a very shiny laptop that works, even if it is a bit big and resembles an up-market hairdryer.
6. The Wii Laptop
Another fantastic console mod from Mr. Heckendorn, but this time it’s a Wii console that gets the portable treatment. Sporting a 7-inch LCD screen, controller port, built-in power supply and even a short-range sensor bar, it’s possible with this to finally be able to randomly play the Wii console in the street.
7. The Wooden Laptop
Ok, so the whole laptop isn’t made from wood, which would (ha ha) be much more of a technological feat of awesomeness. However, the wood apparently comes from a case of Sicilian wine that the modder had to down in 1 minute in order to make the laptop casing. I may have made that last bit up. Combined with some more wood, silk, screws and leather, this is the final result.
8. The Guitar Laptop (or maybe the Laptop Guitar?)
Guitarist and all-round technical wizard Ben Lewry chopped up a laptop and smooshed it into an electric guitar. The result is a lot more pleasing than the description makes it out to be. The awesome thing is that both the guitar and the laptop function, so Ben’s made it so that the laptop displays a strange audio/visualization program that reacts to whatever is being played on the guitar, a lot like that thing on windows Media Player.
5 Top Retro Eco-Supercars: Best Fuel Sippers of the Past 34 Years
Prius is the fuel-economy king, but for how long? Bruising gas prices, new federal regulations and a wave of hybrids, plug-ins, clean diesels and electric vehicles are combining to change the U.S. fleet. But this isn't the first time companies have looked to fuel efficiency instead of horsepower. Following twin energy crises in the 1970s, a new breed of cars began to appear. They were small, streamlined and, by today's standards, underpowered. But they scored big at the fuel pump. In 1975, the Environmental Protection Agency began tracking the gas mileage on all vehicles sold in the U.S. In 24 of those 34 model years since, one or another of these five cars has been the most fuel-efficient car in the country. All fuel economy numbers are updated to reflect the newest EPA testing regime. Back in the day, they would have been even higher.
Published on: October 23, 2008
Best Non-Hybrid: Chevy Sprint
The age of the fuel injector had begun decades ago, but even by the 1980s, the Sprint didn't care. With a computer-controlled carburetor, a 48-hp, three-cylinder engine and a curb weight under 1600 pounds, the Sprint achieved 44 mpg city and 53 mpg highway, and it won the fuel economy title in 1986, '87 and '88. Suzuki engineered the car, basically an American version of 1985's mpg champ, the Suzuki SA310, and many of its basics carried through to the Geo Metro of later years (see Geo Whiz). The Sprint was available as a two-door or four-door with no change in fuel economy. A turbocharged and fuel-injected version made 70 horsepower and would zoom to 60 mph in 9.4 seconds, but mileage dropped to 37/43. The base model, with a sticker price around five grand, came with AM radio; load it up and you got FM too, plus a cassette tape player and a digital clock.
Geo Whiz: Geo Metro XFI
A couple of years ago we were calling automotive experts around the country to ask whether you could build a 100-mpg 4-passenger vehicle with today's technology. A great many experts said something like, “Sure. Take a Geo Metro, rip out everything but the seats, cover the wheel well openings and detune the engine for a top speed of 50 and you're there." We never tested that proposition, but there's no doubting the Metro's economy—the model's seven mpg titles are matched only by the Insight. The Metro XFI was especially frugal, winning five straight years beginning with the 1990 model that achieved 43 mpg city and 51 mpg highway with a 5-speed manual. Many owners reported highway economy over 60 mpg, and the 10.6-gallon tank was good for 500 or more miles between fill-ups. Like the Insight and the Sprint, the Metro featured a 1.0-liter, 3-cylinder engine. The Metro's powerplant weighed only 134.5 pounds, thanks to numerous aluminum components, and made 49 hp and 58 lb.-ft. of torque. But since the car weighed just over 1600 pounds, it had descent zip. It was reliable, affordable—base msrp was $5995—and with the rear and passenger seats down, you could carry along a 5-ft. foosball table. Game on.
Geo Whiz: Geo Metro XFI
A couple of years ago we were calling automotive experts around the country to ask whether you could build a 100-mpg 4-passenger vehicle with today's technology. A great many experts said something like, “Sure. Take a Geo Metro, rip out everything but the seats, cover the wheel well openings and detune the engine for a top speed of 50 and you're there." We never tested that proposition, but there's no doubting the Metro's economy—the model's seven mpg titles are matched only by the Insight. The Metro XFI was especially frugal, winning five straight years beginning with the 1990 model that achieved 43 mpg city and 51 mpg highway with a 5-speed manual. Many owners reported highway economy over 60 mpg, and the 10.6-gallon tank was good for 500 or more miles between fill-ups. Like the Insight and the Sprint, the Metro featured a 1.0-liter, 3-cylinder engine. The Metro's powerplant weighed only 134.5 pounds, thanks to numerous aluminum components, and made 49 hp and 58 lb.-ft. of torque. But since the car weighed just over 1600 pounds, it had descent zip. It was reliable, affordable—base msrp was $5995—and with the rear and passenger seats down, you could carry along a 5-ft. foosball table. Game on.
Original Champ, Still Contending: Honda Civic
This is the only vehicle on our list that you can still get with that new-car smell. The Civic has been EPA champ six times, in three different decades, beginning with the Civic CVCC in 1975, the first year the EPA kept track. Perhaps no other model in U.S. history has such a consistent record for fuel-efficiency and reliability in one package. The most economical so far was the 1986-'87 Civic coupe HF, that delivered 42 mpg city and 51 mpg highway but lost the title in those years to the Chevy Sprint. The thriftiest yearly champ was the 1989 Civic CRX HF, a two-seater that got 41 mpg city and 50 mpg highway with a 1.5-liter four-cylinder and 5-speed manual transmission. Perhaps more relevant is the economy of the four-passenger Civic sedan; since 1986 the mid-grade model has never achieved less than 24 mpg city and 29 mpg highway, and in the last decade the figures are 25 mpg city and 33 mpg hwy and better. In the late 1970s, four passengers in a CVCC meant bruised knees for those in the backseat, but highway economy was about 40 mpg. The 2008 Civic has a spacious backseat, the usual expected amenities, and an umpteen-star safety rating. Our mileage on a recent highway trip? About 40 mpg. And that wasn't even the hybrid version.
A Pill to Selectively Erase Your Traumatic Memories
In a few years you might have a pill to help you forget your bad breakup just the way Jim Carey did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. With a high dose of just one enzyme, scientists can now erase very specific memories while you're in the act of recalling them. The enzyme known as CaMKII is linked to learning and memory, and Georgia neuroscientist Joe Z. Tsien and his team used it to induce extremely targeted memory-erasure in mice. Tsien thinks the process might help humans lay traumatic memories to rest.
The researchers tested mice by shocking them while the mice heard a specific tone. They evaluated whether the mice remembered the shock by watching to see whether the mouse froze in fear upon hearing the tone again, or upon revisiting the chamber where it had been shocked. After being dosed with CaMKII while they recalled the fearful memories, the mice ceased to fear the tones and chamber. In a paper to be published tomorrow in scientific journal Neuron, Tsien proves that these memories weren't just temporarily blocked by the enzyme, but erased. No memories other than the targeted ones appeared to have been impaired.
Said Tsien:
Given the fact that so many war veterans often suffer from reoccurring traumatic memory replays after returning home, our report of selective erasure of fear memories in an inducible and rapid way suggests the existence of molecular paradigm(s) under which traumatic memories can be erased or degraded while preserving other memories in the brain.
Of course there might be nefarious applications of this memory-erasing procedure as well. Soldiers who fear war could be made to un-fear it, and people could be induced to forget political or family ties. In fact, once memory is malleable in such a granular way, people could literally give themselves personality reboots. Imagine what you would be like if you didn't have to remember that horrible childhood, or abusive boyfriend, or that you wanted to vote for the pro-science candidate in the election.
Inducible and Selective Erasure of Memories in the Mouse Brain via Chemical-Genetic Manipulation [via Neuron]
9 Foreign Rip-Offs Cooler Than The Hollywood Originals
You think Batman's pretty cool, don't you? Probably couldn't be any cooler, right? Wrong. Step outside of America, and you find a Batman who guns down bad guys with a revolver, and has naked sex with the ladies he rescues.
It's true, other countries have been working around the clock to improve our fictional heroes in every way. Here are 9 ripoffs that are better than the US originals, proving you can create something awesome no matter where you're from or how limited your budget is, as long as you don't give a shit about copyrights.
#9.
The Turkish Batman - Yarasa Adam ("Betmen")
The American Original:
As night looms over Gotham City, Batman
The Foreign Rip-Off:
As the sun beats down on the Anatolian steppe, Betmen and Turkish Robin cruise around in a shitty sedan and pump hot lead into the cowardly criminal element.
The music sounds like a swarm of killer bees playing the sitar in an empty grain silo.
Why It's Better:
There's a lot to love about the Turkish Batman, namely his ability to do more with less. Whereas the American Batman cloaks his severe mental illness with gee-whiz gadgets and, well, a cloak, Betmen has no need for capes, technology, or subtlety. He knows that dressing up like a deranged trapeze artist and borrowing the wife's Chevy Nova for the afternoon will do way more to frighten felons than any bat-shaped airplane.
This is also the first of two foreign Batman movies on this list with nudity in it. You're off to a good start, rest of the world.
#8.
The Indian Superman - Dariya Dil (1988)
The American Original:
In his 1978 Film
The Foreign Rip-Off:
In this Bollywood extravaganza, Superman and Indian Lois Lane (a.k.a. Indian Spiderwoman) use the power of dance to commit crimes against humanity.
Why It's Better:
To be fair, Dariya Dil isn't an Indian Superman movie at all (the only plot synopsis we could find online said it was a romantic comedy about tax evasion or something). But nonetheless, we dig its freaky take on the Superman mythos.
The problem with the American Superman is he's basically a god trapped in the mind of a crossing guard. His M.O. for crime prevention is hovering above the ground, arms crossed with an exasperated frown on his face. Come on! We're talking about Superman here, continents shift when he yawns and oceans boil when he farts in the tub. But it's wasted on a guy who has the personality of a mannequin.
Why is that happening?
The Indian Superman has no such hang-ups. He'll dance like no one's watching. He'll canoodle with his girl at 5,000 feet. And--at the 2:33 mark--he'll use his superbreath to blow a criminal at the force of escape velocity into the vacuum of space, where the perp will orbit the Earth as a frozen corpse for decades. In short, Indian Superman just does not give a fuck.
#7.
The Soviet Winnie the Pooh - Vinni Pukh (1969)
The American Original:
In 1966, the Walt Disney Company released a 26-minute short about A.A. Milnes famous bear searching for honey. An icon and merchandising empire was born.
The Foreign Rip-Off:
In 1969, Soviet animation studio Soyuzmultfilm released an 11-minute short about A.A. Milnes famous medved searching for med.
Why It's Better:
Where do we begin? First off, the Soviet Winnie is way more macho - the Ruskie version replaces the American Winnie's foppish lilt with some hard, incomprehensible Cyrillic barking. He could be screaming about honey. He could also be screaming about Ivan Drago. Who knows? All we can surmise is that this cartoon was probably animated at gunpoint in a gulag somewhere.
Also, the crudely drawn marker backgrounds remind us of Worker and Parasite from The Simpsons.
#6.
The Japanese Spider-Man - The Spiderman TV Show (1978)
The American Original:
A bite from a radioactive spider transforms dorky Peter Parker into the Amazing Spider-Man
The Foreign Rip-Off:
A magical bracelet from a telepathic spider-alien transforms motorcyclist Takuya Yamashiro into the Japanese Spiderman! With his newfound spaceship and giant samurai robot, Takuya dukes it out with intergalactic fruitcakes such as Professor Monster.
Sound too absurd? Well, watch the show's intro and brace yourself for the best Spiderman theme song in any language.
It's amazing what a couple bottles of sake do for a children's show theme.
Why It's Better:
Perhaps the most infuriating aspect of our Spider-Man is his whiny self-doubt. Trust the Japanese to get down to brass tacks and just fucking nail the character's true appeal. It's like they said, "Screw that annoying pathos. This is a show about a man in a leotard who walks on the ceiling. We've gotta add some giant robots and take this shit to the next level."
"With great power comes great respons- oh hell, let's just give him a car."
#5.
The Turkish E.T. -Badi (1983)
The American Original:
E.T.
The Foreign Rip-Off:
Badi, a midget wearing a stained turtleneck and a mask resembling an uncooked prawn, lands in a Turkish slum and teaches the audience that the universe is filled with unremitting horror.
Why It's Better:
In E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial, Spielberg made the titular character as cute, anthropomorphic and genital-less as possible - after all, a disgusting, inhuman, and massively endowed alien is no way to shill Reese's Pieces to the kids.
The filmmakers of Badi were unencumbered by franchise deals or a large budget and thus had no need to make the alien appealing to children. Thanks to inimitable Turkish special FX, Spielberg's plucky alien became a terrifying, shambling garbage pile:
What's so great about Badi is that the film realistically depicts humanity's first contact with aliens. Forget flying bicycles, glowing fingers and heartfelt moments. It's more likely we'll meet saggy-bladdered beings who fart smoke and scream like Tom Morello guitar solos. And like Turkish Elliot's Turkish family, we humans will run around, losing our goddamn Turkish minds.
#4.
The Italian Batman - The Bathman dal pianeta Eros (1982)
The American Original:
Batman
The Foreign Rip-Off:
Bathman, the famed lover from the planet Eros, and his masturbating sidekick Robina team up to diddle villains like Catwoman, The Joker, and the gay Penguin.
Yup, it's a porn. (Warning: NSFW but the nudity's subpar anyway).
Why It's better:
Holy Batporn, Bathman!
Just as the Japanese Spiderman enhances the hero by stripping away his emotional baggage, the Italian Batman bravely reinvents the stoic Caped Crusader as a happy-go-lucky boning machine. This should be a welcome change of pace for fans dissatisfied with Christian "I Gargle with Whiskey and Thumbtacks" Bale's portrayal.
Additionally, the Italian Batman is an alien. This revelation will indubitably add a new layer of richness to ongoing internet message board debates over whether Batman would "pwnz0rs" other pop cultural figures such as Superman, Wolverine, or Grimace from the old McDonald's ads.
Finally, this film is a bold new step for the pornographic medium as a whole. American porn is all "moneyshot this" and "facial that." As the clip below demonstrates, Italian smut peddlers really know how to inject some fun into erotica. And when we say "fun," we mean "bicycles!"
#3.
The Chinese Popeye -The Dragon Lives Again (1976)
The American Original:
In his hometown of Sweet Haven, Popeye goes on adventures with his friends Olive Oyl and Wimpy, all the while vexing his arch-nemesis Bluto.
The Foreign Rip-Off:
In Chinese Hell, Popeye goes on adventures with his friends Bruce Lee and Caine from Kung Fu, all the while vexing his arch-nemeses Dracula, Clint Eastwood, the Exorcist, and James Bond.
We have now officially reached the point in the article where the jokes write themselves.
Why It's Better:
In the years following Bruce Lee's
Perhaps the most offensive offering was The Dragon Lives Again. Released less than three years after Lee's death, the film was infamous for its Mad Libs-style cast of characters, leading man Bruce Leung's utter lack of resemblance to Bruce Lee, and the many jokes about the deceased star's giant penis. To see why some folks might have been upset, imagine an upcoming Bernie Mac biopic in which Bernie (who is inexplicably Mexican) must save the underworld from Indiana Jones, Martin Sheen, Saruman, and Jigsaw from Saw with the help of Alf, Snagglepuss, and his own elephantitis-wracked testicles.
The silver lining to this shitshow is Chinese Popeye. That repulsive two second sequence of him horking down a wad of green cellophane made our stomachs churn less than the entirety of Robin Williams's Popeye.
#2.
Hamas' Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny Tomorrow's Pioneers (TV, 2007-2008)
The American Original:
Beloved cartoon characters/corporate prostitutes Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny compete for children's affections; encourage them to eat sugary breakfast cereal.
The Foreign Rip-Off:
Beloved cartoon characters/Hamas sympathizers Farfour and Assud team up with Hamas to win childrens' affections/encourage them to eat the Jews.
And you thought we were kidding.
Cartoon characters and politics have been historical bedfellows - during World War II, Daffy Duck fought the Nazis and Superman promoted cross-cultural understanding with the Japanese. In modern Palestine, the creators of the kid's program Tomorrow's Pioneers have recruited Bugs and Mickey to overthrow the world's Zionist puppet masters. They have also apparently hired Borat as their screenwriter.
We at Cracked have already reported on Farfour, the high-pitched, Jew-hating mouse. But since then, Farfour's had a spat of bad luck, namely getting punched to death by a bloodthirsty Israeli for refusing to sell his land.
With Farfour gone, Tomorrow's Pioneers ignored the obvious theological conundrum of a rodent becoming a martyr and foisted hosting duties upon Assud, an equally creepy and shrill rabbit. Assud's hosting gig was short-lived as he soon had his hands lopped off as punishment for robbery.
The devil made him do it. Seriously.
If history is any indicator, the next host of Tomorrow's Pioneers will be an anti-Semitic Yogi the Bear who will be publicly stoned for his addiction to picnic baskets.
Why It's Better:
Oh, who are kidding? This shit's scarier than Badi.
#1.
Turkish Spider-Man and Turkish Captain America - The 3 Dev Adam (1973)
The American Original:
There is no precedent for 3 Dev Adam. It is the alpha and omega of cinematic narrative.
The Foreign Rip-Off:
In swinging 70s Istanbul, Captain America
Why It's Better:
The beauty of 3 Dev Adam (or "The 3 Mighty Men") is that it's that movie you wrote when you were 6 but with all the sex and violence you love at 25. And nothing quite epitomizes this man-child aesthetic like Turkish Spider-Man.
3 Dev Adam transforms Spider-Man, the most nobly nebbish of superheroes, into the Turkish Hannibal Lecter. Watch below as he murders a woman with a boat propeller, strangles a naked woman in a bathtub with a telephone cord, and feeds a man's eyes to a hamster.
"Spider-Man, Spider-Man, strangling Turkish Spider-Man..."
These scenes bring up a whole host of questions that the movie has absolutely no interest in answering. Why the hell would Spider-Man counterfeit lira? Why didn't they just call Turkish Captain America "Captain Turkey?" What the hell is up with Spider-Man's eyebrows? Throw out all questions, friends. If you agree not to question its central conceits, then 3 Dev Adam will tickle your corneas with wonder.
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