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Friday, January 15, 2010

This.....Is hardcore..nothing is impossible when you apply Physics!!!


This.....Is hardcore

Kiefer Sutherland Loses Pats Bet, Wears Dress on Letterman

Apparently, Kiefer Sutherland is a betting man. I know this because he appeared on the David Letterman show last night wearing a dress. And when Letterman asked him what the hell he was doing/thinking/wearing, Sutherland pointed out that he was so confident that the Patriots would defeat the Ravens that he told one of his friends he'd wear a dress on Letterman if they lost.

Well, obviously, they lost. Which means that instead of talking about the upcoming season of 24, the entire interview was Dave making fun of Kiefer while Kiefer apologized to friends and family. Hysterical stuff, really, especially when he takes a potshot at Jay Leno with an "out of the closet" joke. Enjoy.

Kids Reenact MTV’s Hit Series "Jersey Shore"


Wisconsin man who brought the world SpaghettiOs dies

Thumbnail image for spaghettios 205830669_6a6125639c_m.jpg
Photo: texas mustang/Flickr 

Regular readers know we like to take a poke at all the drunks, criminals and boobs who regularly make headlines in our neighboring state of Wisconsin. Not in this post, though. No, here we want to take a moment to note the passing of a genuine cultural icon with bona fide Wisconsin roots.
Donald Goerke, the man who brought SpaghettiOs into the kitchen of every self-respecting American parent who never knew Italian food from a wet sock but wanted their kids to eat dinner, has died. He was 86 years old. And although he lived out a big portion of life elsewhere, he was born in Waukesha.
An employee of Campbell's for 35 years, Goerke worked in the marketing division of its Franco American brand in the 1960s when an "a ha!" moment led him to utter the unforgettable phrase, "Uh-oh, SpaghettiOs."
So here's to you, Donald. We chose the "Os."

System of a Down Drummer Boy Will Melt Your Face Off [VIDEO]

By: Brenna Ehrlich  Brenna Ehrlich

It’s that time again, folks — time for another viral vid of a kid who is so incredibly gifted that you’ll a). Come to loathe your own child for his/her inadequate talent show skills, b). Fall into a deep sea of depression when faced with the listless path your life has taken. I give you: 5-year-old Jonah Rocks.

This little video hit YouTube (YouTube) just a few days ago, and it’s already going viral, giving other pint-sized performers like Ukulele boy and Rush Girl a run for their proverbial money.
But this little dude is no flash-in-the-pan prodigy — he even has his own website (which — be warned — has autoplay music) replete with more videos and photos of Jonah and the band KISS His bio, from the “About Me Section”:
“Way back in 2008, at the age of 3, Jonah Rocks was lining up his Play-Doh cans to make a drum kit. He would sneak all the baby spoons from the cupboard, and use them as drumsticks. His daddy asked him if he wanted a real drum kit, and of course, Jonah said ‘YES!’ Once he sat down behind that kit, and held that first pair of 7A’s in his hands, he has never put them down, playing as much as he can, whenever he can. Jonah is completely self taught, never had a lesson, and if you’ve watched him play, you know he absolutely loves it.”
Check out his cover of System of a Down’s “Toxicity” below:
Video has been disabled:  here  is the link to the youtube video:

Talent Show

And, if you’re not completely demoralized by Jonah’s superior talent, here’s some more bite-sized band members for you.

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Secrets of the mummy: Scanner will reveal if 4,000-year-old Egyptian was preserved with bird inside its body as an afterlife offering

By Daily Mail Reporter

A 4,000-year-old Egyptian mummy was taken on a bizarre day trip today to try and unlock some of the secrets of the ancient world.
The relic is usually held at the Barnum Museum in Connecticut, but was shuttled to Quinnipiac University in an unusual procession, to be studied using the institution's high-tech hospital scanner.

The tests could answer questions on whether a mysterious packet inside her body was a mummified bird killed as an offering to the gods to help secure the woman a place in the afterlife.
Researchers might also be able to learn more about the woman's life on earth, including her age and whether she had children.

Mystery: Kathy Maher, executive director at the Barnum Museum, examines the mummy's empty casket

Experts today carefully packed the mummy into a modern-day coffin provided by local undertakers and transported in hearse with a police escort.

The mummy, known as Pa-Ib and believed to date from around 2,000 BC, was a prized exhibit of the flamboyant US showman P.T. Barnum and has been in the Barnum Museum in Bridgeport, Connecticut, since the 1890s.
Scientists will then be able to peer inside the mummified remains in unprecedented detail using a Toshiba 64-slice CT scanner usually used for diagnosing diseases in living patients.
It has a resolution eight times better than another scanner used on the same mummy in 2006, when tests revealed a number of packages inside the abdominal cavity.
One archaeologist speculated one of these bundles could be a bird mummy, a prospect that has excited Egyptologists.
Preserved: the torso of a 4,000-year-old mummy Pa-Ib being wrapped before being taken for scans

The pelvis also showed some evidence that the woman had given birth, but the original data was erased to make way for patient scans.
The latest scans could shed yield new discoveries which could prove important to archaeologists' understanding of ancient rituals.
'It really is going to give us a fantastic view of this mummy,' said Professor Ronald Beckett, co-director of the Bioanthropology Research Institute at Quinnipiac.
'Every mummy has a story to tell. Every piece of information adds to our understanding of the ancient Egyptians.'
Lorelei Corcoran, director of the Institute of Egyptian Art and Archaeology at the University of Memphis, called the mummy 'extremely unusual'.
'It just gives us another example of this very intriguing phenomenon of bringing a gift with you to the afterlife,' she said.
Dr Corcoran said she knows of only two other human mummies with bird mummies, one at the J. Paul Getty Museum in California and another in Switzerland.
She said birds such as the falcon and ibis were associated with the Egyptian god Thoth, who was believed to play an influential role in the final stage of judgement of the dead.
'He's the one whose opinion you would want to influence in order to get to the eternal afterlife,' she said.
Delicate: curators carefully move the head and body ready to be transported to the scanner

Colleen Manassa, assistant professor of Egyptology at Yale University, said the likelihood of a bird mummy inside a human mummy would be 'highly improbable' if the human mummy is 4,000 years old, as the museum believes, because Egyptians were not embalming animals around that time.
She said the mummy is likely to be younger, which would mean there could be a bird mummy inside, but it would still be highly unusual.
'It would make it a very important mummy,' Prof Manassa said, by showing the practice of animal offerings was not just done at temples.
Prof Manassa said the closest time parallel is a case at an Egyptian museum in which a baboon was mummified and wrapped in a bundle that was placed over the mummified and wrapped body of a woman separately more than 3,000 years ago.
Prof Beckett said the packets may turn out to be organs, which were taken out of the body, preserved and placed back in the mummy for use in the afterlife.
'Wouldn't it be wonderful if it turned out to be a bird?' he said. 'It's just so rare that it would be that we would be surprised.'
Prof Beckett said he does not believe the woman was royalty, saying her worn teeth suggest the diet of a commoner.
Determining the cause of death will be difficult, researchers say, but they might be able to offer a range of diseases from which the mummified woman could have suffered, such as arthritis.

The Girl Who Conned The Ivy League How a high school dropout created the ultimate fake ID, scammed her way into Harvard and Columbia, and became the target of a nationwide manhunt.....

Click here for this fantastic article The Girl Who Conned The Ivy League

The 30 Most Anticipated Movies of 2010 - Film School Rejects

The 30 Most Anticipated Movies of 2010 - Film School Rejects

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The Most Memorable Fictional Drugs in Movies and Television

Published by Madison


Whether it’s Tony Montana snorting lines of coke the length of pool tables, Cheech and Chong puffing on some quality bud, Harry Goldfarb injecting himself with smack, or crack smoking on The Wire, mind-altering and recreational drugs have been a major part of movies and television for a long time.  But there are also a gangload of fictional drugs to consider, when the stuff that already exists isn’t potent enough.
Some fictional drugs can be simply a great time, while others grant the user incredible perspective or abilities.  One thing’s for sure, they are all a lot more powerful than the dime bag you bought from the creepy guy on the corner.  Anyway, there are quite a few that stick out, so take a look at the most memorable fictional drugs in movies and television.

Neuroin - Minority Report
John Anderton has a bit of neuroin habit, and he likes to take a puff of the stuff before watching old home videos of his son.  But Anderton’s habit is pretty mild compared to that of many others, including the addict parents of the precogs that help to make up PreCrime.  Neuroin can be taken using an inhaler - like the one shown above - which is exactly how Anderton takes it when he wants to go from melancholy to euphoric.  Essentially, it’s like a gaseous heroin.

Nuke - Robocop 2
Inside that device that looks like something you’d stick a check in while at a drive-thru bank is nuke, a red liquid that drug that is administered via an injection directly into the bloodstream.  It’s highly addictive and causes effects that I guess are closest to that of cocaine, which makes it so popular on the future streets of Detroit.  Nuke effects everyone, from cyborg cops to 12-year-old drug dealers.  Most people take nuke through a quick injection into the neck.  Hardcore.

Moloko Plus - A Clockwork Orange
Before Alex and his droogs go out on the town for lashings of the old ultraviolence, they like to sharpen themselves up at the Korova Milk Bar by drinking Moloko Plus - milk laced with vellocet, synthemesc, or drencrom.  The different drugs placed in the milk obviously have different effects, but Alex seems to prefer drencrom.  The movie doesn’t really go too much into the Moloko Plus outside of Alex’s narration, but the passages in the book describe just how messed up Alex and his droogs get.  And yeah, it’s pretty insane.

Quietus - Children of Men
Quietus isn’t a recreational drug, but it certainly is used by those looking for an escape.  In a time when women are unable to reproduce, many people would rather die quickly, painlessly, and with dignity instead of watching the world around them tear itself apart as our very civilization crumbles.  The British government understands these concerns, thus the availability of Quietus, the most effectively-marketed suicide pill ever.  (Like there are suicide pills that failed due to poor marketing)

Prozium - Equilibrium
The effects of Prozium cause human emotions to come to a screeching halt.  Prozium was created in the hopes of avoiding World War IV; if nobody had any strong emotions, then it follows that nations wouldn’t go to war.  The drug is administered via an injection into the jugular, and all citizens of Libria are required to take Prozium.  Just missing one shceduled injection, however, can result in the resurfacing of emotions, as John Preston discovered himself.

Liquid Karma - Southland Tales
Liquid Karma is the name of the new, revolutionary fuel source in Southland Tales, but it’s also used as a drug, especially by soldiers fighting in World War III.  “Blood Red” is the most potent type of Liquid Karma one can buy, and users may experience telepathy and a deeper, epiphany-like connection with God.  As Southland Tales is about the end of the world and is really a metaphor for the Book of Revelation, you have to wonder if Richard Kelly intended for Abilene to use Liquid Karma as an allusion to the theory that John wrote the Book of Revelation while high on shrooms.  In any event, drugs - even fictional ones - don’t get much harder than Liquid Karma.

V - True Blood
“V” is really just slang for vampire blood, one of the most life-changing substances one can put into his or her body.  The effects of V not only make you an animal in bed, but will also heighten your senses and make you as one with the universe.  In fact, doing V with a partner is even better than sex.  Literally.  Not surprisingly, if these drugs were real, I’d have to pick V as my drug of choice.

Ephemerol - Scanners
Ephemerol was intended to be used as a tranquilizer and a morning sickness remedy, as well as having the effect of suppressing telepathic and telekinetic abilities in adults.  But oh, there’s just one slight problem - ephemerol actually causes telepathic and telekinetic abilities in the children of those who take it.  And that’s how we get exploding heads.

Substance D - A Scanner Darkly
There are two types of people: those who are addicted to Substance D, and those who haven’t tried it yet.   This psychoactive substance - whose “D” stands for “death” - eventually severs the connection between the right and left hemispheres of the user’s brain, resulting in two totally different personalities, with each personality being unaware of the other.  So yeah, it messes you up pretty bad.

Spice Melange - Dune
The Spice Melange is perhaps the most powerful drug on this list.  Found only on the planet Arrakis, where it is produced by giant sandworms, Melange grants the user longer life, increased vitality, and in some people, precognition.  Even better, Melange can be used by navigators to plot courses through space-time, turning what once seemed like impossible intergalactic voyages into routine trips.  Knowing all that, it makes sense why Melange is considered the most valuable substance in the universe.  As for side effects?  Your eyes turn blue - I think that’s better than having to go to a methadone clinic - but prolonged use may eventually turn you into a huge slug-like creature.

Valkyr - Max Payne
This green liquid drug is prevalent in New York City and can give its user increased speed and strength.  The downside?  Nightmarish hallucinations, incoherent babbling, and complete disassociation with the real world.  Some people can tolerate the drug, but most just go insane.

U4EA - Beverly Hills, 90210

U4EA has got to be a euphemism for ecstasy, so of course the kids out in Beverly Hills are going to be all over it. If someone is gonna slip something in your drink, it could be a hell of a lot worse than U4EA.
I’m sure there are a lot more fictional drugs that I haven’t listed, but these were the ones that really stuck out to me the most. If you know of any good ones I’ve left off, let me know in the comment sections. And remember to just say no…

Techno Jeep

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Top Gear Returns to BBC AMERICA on January 25th

GREAT NEWS for the Top Gear fanatics all around America – the Emmy award-winning car show makes a comeback to BBC AMERICA after a rather long break. The hosts Richard Hammond, Jeremy Clarkson and James May are back with more automotive hi-jinx in the two back-to-back U.S. premiere seasons of Top Gear. Season 13 premiers on January 25th, Monday at 8pm. Season 14 will be airing immediately after Season 13, premiering on Monday, March 15.

top gear series 13 Top Gear Returns to BBC AMERICA on January 25th
Season 12 of Top Gear was number 6 on the 2009 best-selling TV (Seasons) listing for iTunes. Full episodes of Season 13 will be posted on iTunes 24 hours after its U.S. premiere on BBC AMERICA, every Tuesday throughout this season. Now you can watch the terrific trio anytime, anywhere. Also has released a new TopGear Soundboard online, featuring some of the best TopGear sound bites. Part factual and part entertainment, the award winning car show has become a global phenomenon reaching 150 million homes worldwide.
What to expect from the 13th installment of the world’s most popular auto entertainment show?

The terrific trio undoubtedly has a brand new arsenal of automotive mayhem waiting for us in the new series. In the premiere episode, Jeremy Clarkson takes the Lotus Evora for a spin around the track, and then the hosts go on the Top Gear Race to the North, a three way race from London to Edinburgh with James riding in a Jaguar XK120 and Hammond on a Vincent Black Shadow motorbike and Jeremy riding in the cab of the steam locomotive No. 60163 Tornado. Later James and Richard race a stamped letter sent by the Royal Mail across the British Isles and Abu Dhabi in a Porsche Panamera.
The trio then buys three £1,500 rear-wheel-drive sports cars and enter in a terrifying French ice race. Richard tests the new Lamborghini Murcielago LP640-4 SV in Abu Dhabi and stages the world’s first race between the 1001hp Bugatti Veyron, McLaren F1 and the Lambo Murcielago SV.

Top Gear S12
The show continues to put the rich and famous through the Top Gear test track in the continuing hit original segment “Star in a Reasonably Priced Car”. Getting behind the wheel in this season are car enthusiast and talk show host Jay Leno, film actress Sienna Miller, King of Twitter Stephen Fry, Olympic Gold sprinter Usain Bolt and AC/DC singer Brian Johnson.
Well here’s the kicker…. This is the season where Top Gear’s quiet and mysterious racing driver Stig takes off his helmet to reveal who he truly is – a television first!! In short Season 13 is going to be nothing short of an innovative and enjoyable experience for all.

top gear season 13 Top Gear Returns to BBC AMERICA on January 25th
Is life without Top Gear too depressing to bear? Can’t exactly wait for the 25th? Catch up with Seasons 11 and Season 12 on DVD arriving in stores on Tuesday, January 12. These two seasons include 14 full episodes with the Season 12 DVD featuring over 2 hours of bonus features including all-new commentary on the Vietnam special, Botswana Special – Directors Cut, never before seen footage, photo galleries and more. Also to kickstart the party, BBC will be conducting a week long DVD giveaway at starting on January 12th! Pre-order your copies today itself at the BBC AMERICA Shop.
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Sheep gives birth to human-faced lamb

Sheep Gives Birth to Human-Faced Lamb
Source: The Daily Telegraph
A SHEEP gave birth to a dead lamb with a human-like face. The lamb was born in a village not far from the city of Izmir, Turkey.

Erhan Elibol, a vet, performed  a caesarean on the animal to take the lamb out, but was horrified to see that the features of the lamb's snout bore a striking resemblance to a human face.

“I’ve seen mutations with cows and sheep before. I’ve seen a one-eyed calf, a two-headed calf, a five-legged calf. But when I saw this youngster I could not believe my eyes. His mother could not deliver him so I had to help the animal,” the 29-year-old veterinary said.
The lamb’s head had human features on – the eyes, the nose and the mouth – only the ears were those of a sheep.
Vets said that the rare mutation most likely occurred as a result of improper mutation since the fodder for the lamb’s mother was abundant with vitamin A, reports.

A goat from Zimbabwe gave birth to a similar youngster in September 2009. The mutant baby born with a human-like head stayed alive for several hours until the frightened village residents killed him.
The governor of the province where the ugly goat was born said that the little goat was the fruit of unnatural relationship between the female goat and a man.
"This incident is very shocking. It is my first time to see such an evil thing. It is really embarrassing," he reportedly said. "The head belongs to a man while the body is that of a goat. This is evident that an adult human being was responsible. Evil powers caused this person to lose self control. We often hear cases of human beings who commit bestiality but this is the first time for such an act to produce a product with human features," he added.
The mutant creature was hairless. Local residents said that even dogs were afraid to approach the bizarre animal.
The locals burnt the body of the little goat, and biologists had no chance to study the rare mutation.

The sexiest ad ever made with topless women skydivers (NSFW)

Our 10 favorite celebrity potheads

J.J. Abrams finds 'Undercovers' female lead

British actress Gugu Mbatha-Raw to star with Boris Kodjoe

By Nellie Andreeva

J.J. Abrams has cast another ingenue as the female lead of his newest TV project.

After a lengthy search, British actress Gugu Mbatha-Raw has landed the female lead opposite Boris Kodjoe on "Undercovers," Abrams' pilot for NBC.

"Undercovers," which Abrams co-wrote with Josh Reims, revolves around a domesticated husband (Kodjoe) and wife (Mbatha-Raw) who are re-activated as CIA agents after years of retirement.

Abrams also will direct, marking the first pilot he has helmed since "Lost" in 2004.

Mbatha-Raw, a graduate of London's Royal Academy of Dramatic Art, broke through during the summer when she was cast as Ophelia opposite Jude Law in the Donmar Warehouse production of "Hamlet," which had successful runs in London's West End and on Broadway.

The daughter of a South African doctor and an English nurse, Mbatha-Raw hasn't appeared on American TV but has done arcs on several popular British series including "Spooks" and "Doctor Who."

She is the latest discovery for Abrams, who is known for breaking new young female talent on his TV series. He cast Keri Russell on "Felicity," Jennifer Garner on "Alias," Evangeline Lilly on "Lost" and, most recently, Australian Anna Torv on "Fringe."

Although Kodjoe and Mbatha-Raw are biracial, casting on the leads for the pilot was done color-blind, producers said, as they looked for the actors who best fit the characters and had the best chemistry.

EXCLUSIVE: 'Ghostbusters 3' Script Is In, Ivan Reitman Confirms He WILL Direct

A few weeks ago, "Ghostbusters" writer and star Harold Ramis revealed that the long-awaited third movie in the series is planned for a 2011 release. This news broke only a short time after "Avatar" star Sigourney Weaver speculated that Bill Murray's character Pete Venkman might appear in the movie as a slimer ghost, and that Oscar, her character's son from the second movie, would be a full-fledged Ghostbuster.
Ivan Reitman, director and producer of the first two movies, stopped to chat with MTV's Josh Horowitz last night on the National Board of Review red carpet in New York City. He shied away from addressing Weaver's spoiler-y speculation, but he did have some things to say about the general state of development for "Ghostbusters III."
Reitman said that the script from "Year One" writers Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky is in and that a second draft is currently in the works. He also confirmed that he will indeed be returning to direct the coming sequel, as had been previously speculated.
"They have delivered a draft," Reitman said of the script's progress. "We are working our way through another draft... good work is being done and all of us have our fingers crossed."
What he wouldn't do was address exactly what that "good work" entailed. Asked about Weaver's recent comments, Reitman laughed and kept things light.
"I'm not going to comment on what's in the script and on what Sigourney may or may not have said," he told us. "She's been so busy on 'Avatar,' I've not been able to find her. There's some very cool things in the new draft, let's just put it that way."
Reitman was all business again when the talk turned back to the schedule. "I hope to start shooting in this next year," he said, giving weight to Ramis' recent comments about a planned 2011 release.
Then the bomb dropped. Asked if he would be returning to direct "Ghostbusters III," Reitman answered with a simple and unequivocal "Yes." It's good to see the old gang all getting back together, isn't it?

A special Van Damme Friday from Cracked!!!

Jean Claude Van Damme was an action movie star who for some reason insisted on doing splits in all of his movies. Now he's a coked out philanthropist who presumably insists on doing splits at all public appearances.

The ultra-rare JCVD Pokemon Card. It's super effective.

Just The Facts

  1. Jean Claude Van Damme is a Belgian born action movie star.
  2. He has appeared in over 40 movies in his career, as many as three of them have been good.
  3. He's also written, directed, produced, edited and directed choreography for some of his films.
  4. Van Damme has been diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder, which means he can go from zero to killing you in under .4 seconds.
  5. Jean Claude Van Damme invented Chuck Norris facts to foment fear of the roundhouse kick and make his split kick surprising and, therefore, more powerful

Early Life and Fighting Career

Jean Claude Van Damme was born on October 18, 1960. His given name was Jean Claude Camille Francois Delano Jacob Jingleheimer Dayspring Askani'son Van Vaerenbergh, which he immediately shortened to Jean Claude Van Damme because most people only got half of the references. As a child he showed interest in the martial arts. At age 10, his father enrolled him in Shotokan classes. He later moved on to study kickboxing, Muay Thai and tae kwan do before obtaining his black belt in karate, probably because he got sick of Americans pretty much all just calling what he did karate anyways.

At the ripe old age of 16, Van Damme began a reign of terror on competitive European karate never before seen. He did this without once having to sweep the leg or team up with the loser kid from Sea Quest, Jonathan Brandis. In his first match he was staggered by a round house kick but knocked his opponent out moments later. After a couple of early career losses (in decisions) to a teammate, he trained for several months that passed in three minutes thanks to a well choreographed montage. When he re-entered competition he tallied an 18-1 record with all of his wins coming via Knockout or Technical Knockout. In the only match where he was EVER KNOCKED DOWN, presumably because he slipped in a puddle of his opponents dripping fear and adulation, he got back up and knocked his opponent out only 59 seconds into the match, let's see Steven Seagal do that without writing shitty music and putting on 30 pounds. He was labeled an upcoming prospect by Professional Karate Magazine which promptly caused him to quit competing and fail at becoming an actor while still starring in a ton of movies.

Film Career and Beyond

From his first appearances, in Monaco Fever as "Gay Karate Man" and a spectator in the first dance sequence of the epic blockbuster Breakin', he displayed a talent the likes of which the world had never seen. His first major role was in No Retreat, No Surrender. In this movie he played the villain and lost in the final fight scene to a guy who would go on to a lifetime of making Lifetime movies and working on Daytime Soap Operas. This was admittedly a low point for Van Damme, losing to a soap star in a movie is the career equivalent of tossing Bill O'Reilly's salad and reading about how poor it was via a post on

Not to be dismayed, Van Damme next starred in Kickboxer. Now let's get something our of the way, in the 80s and 90s it didn't matter how many paper bags you couldn't act your way out of. So long as you could kick someone in the face a lot, preferably after getting kicked in the face a lot while an unknown 80s band sings a song of triumph, we would gladly fork over our parents' money to see it. Kickboxer also gave us the most inspirational training montage of the 80s (and therefore of all time). For a brief period of time in 1987, Van Damme was cast as The Predator in the movie of the same name. Issues arose on set when he defeated and killed the heroes in under 45 seconds, therefore ruining the movie.
The 90s rolled in and JCVD turned it up to 11 by starring in the same movie (Double Impact) with himself, and fighting himself. He followed this up with the commerically successful Universal Soldier, beginning a series of events that would eventually make Bill Goldberg think that he could act. Van Damme was among a group of reanimated soldiers programmed to kill the shit out of America's enemies. After this information was leaked to the public, the government hastily covered it up by making it the plot of a movie. Up next were Nowhere To Run and Hard Target, the latter of which was notable for the scene where JCVD punches a rattlesnake in the face and knocks it the fuck out.

Jean-Claude's biggest movie came in the form of 1994's Time Cop, where he played a time traveling police officer trying to stop a corrupt time traveling police officer while making sure he doesn't save his wife's life. His first assignment in the movie is to assassinate Doctor Emmit Brown but he is defeated by the untimely arrival of Libyans in a VW Bus and Michael J Fox's dreamy eyes. This failure led to a future where this movie somehow grossed over 100 million dollars worldwide, where we have yet to develop the three seashell system for bathrooms, where we've failed to learn the ways of the force, and in which Jean Claude Van Damme, a man from Belgium with an accent thicker than the average Twilight fan's waist line, gets casted as Colonel William F. Guile, bad ass American Icon in Street Fighter. This movie was so bad that it gave Raul Julia cancer. Fact! Following this clusterfuck of wasted celluloid, Van Damme's career began a death-spiral it has yet to recover from, and deservedly so.

After making what has proven to be the worst movie in history that doesn't have Nicolas Cage in it, Van Damme decided to direct the next movie he starred in, The Quest. While the movie was unsuccessful, to say the least, he did categorically prove Heisenberg's lesser known Certainty Principle, which explicitly states: "If you a motherfucker that be good at karate, don't direct movies, you'll be fucking shitty at it". After several more failed movies, including a Universal Soldier sequel and a buddy flick with Dennis Rodman. (We here at Cracked would like to apologizing for reminding everyone of this and recommend all medical costs accrued as a result be billed directly to Dennis Rodman). A succession of straight-to-dvd releases followed until the 2008 film JCVD, which saw a limited release.

In JCVD, Van Damme plays an alternate version of himself who gets caught up in a hostage situation that he gets blamed for by the crack detectives of the Brussels Police Force, known worldwide for their Batmanesque detectiving and use of the "Jump to Conclusions" mat. This movie was essentially a ploy to further Van Damme's plans to make the world aware by saying the word aware a lot. What he wants us to be aware about? God only knows, no one here speaks French because we're all a bunch of Internet commenters and took l33t in high school.

Jean Claude Van Damme Articles

Movie Discussion at The Unsung Heroes   Submitted by: TykeMison   |   Sep 1, 2009
Jean-Claude Van Damme's "official" website   Submitted by: TykeMison   |   Sep 1, 2009