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Friday, October 23, 2009

Memories of McDonaldland


McDonaldland was the trippy make-believe world where all the McDonald’s characters lived in harmony.

Growing up, we occasionally holed up in the corner of McDonald’s when someone’s cool mom dropped some bills on a deliciously greasy birthday party. There was usually a giant mural along the wall with all the McDonaldland characters living fantasy lives in their all-burgers-all-the-time world. If you were lucky, you might even have played on the McDonaldland playground equipment with some of these guys:

hamburglar• The Hamburglar. He’s dressed in black-and-white striped prison garb so we know he just escaped from the slammer. Maybe he broke out after a couple days of tuna melts and grilled cheeses. Anyway, I’m guessing he’s going to get caught again because that raccoon eye patch, oversized red tie, and Jackie O retro sunhat isn’t a great disguise.

mayor mccheese• Mayor McCheese. Even though his head is a giant, wobbly cheeseburger, this guy is as suave as they come. Just look at the top hat, diplomat’s sash, and fancy reading specs. I feel like this greasy politician (hey-ohhhhhh!) stumbled into the Happy Meal universe by accident. He should be at the opera or something.

captain crook slideCaptain Crook. Did anybody else think some lazy ad exec watched Peter Pan the night before inventing this guy?

Ronald McDonald. Sadly, the red-haired clown was the most boring in the bunch. But then again, even though he looked like a hungover 30-year old in facepaint, he did inspire a generation of goths.

grimace playground jail

• Grimace. Everybody’s favorite, the purple giant played the lovable clumsy doofus of McDonaldland. Of course, in the original ads he had four arms, lived in a cave, and stole milkshakes. Just thinking about it gives me nightmares.

officer big macOfficer Big Mac. His giant two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun head prevents him from running fast enough through town to catch all the escaped convicts. That’s okay though, because his permanently frazzled eyebrows tell us he’s trying.

apple pie treeApple Pie Trees, Filet-O-Fish Lakes, and Hamburger Patches. In McDonaldland there were no beef processing plants, deep sea trawlers, or sugar kilns. Instead you just plucked hot hamburgers out of the patch, cast a line for Filets, and kicked the trunk of the Apple Pie Tree for dessert.

uncle ogrimaceyUncle O’Grimacey. Grimace’s Irish uncle visited in March and brought his delicious Shamrock Shakes with him. On another note, did anybody else ever wonder where Auntie O’Orangey was, because where did those delicious McArctic Orange shakes come from?

Fry Guys. These guys were called Gobblins, Fry Guys, Fry Kids, Pac-Man Ghosts With Legs, or Rollerskating Pom Poms.

mcdonaldlandcookiesBirdie the Early Bird. Poor Birdie was the only female in McDonaldland. She got out of bed early to tell us about the breakfast items. After that, I’m guessing she usually hit the pool hall or shooting range with Smurfette.

People, McDonaldland wasn’t a fictional place. No, it existed in the dimly-lit corner by the bathrooms and on the dangerous plastimold playground equipment in the parking lot.

It mcdonalds birthday partyexisted in the hearts and minds of kids everywhere because it was a place where we could be kids. Slam shots of orange drink, throw on some paper hats, play Pin the Arms on Grimace or Stack the Big Mac boxes, and scream as loud as you can. Then get bloated on sundaes, jump in the minivan, and smile a slow, sticky smile on the drive home.

Sure, maybe it was dangerous. Sure, maybe it wasn’t good for us.

But it sure was childhood.

And it sure was


Photos from: here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here

Breaching Men’s Room Etiquette

As a man, there are some rules that are simple, finite, and unquestionable. Many of us men work in an office building with public restrooms. As a result, we stumble upon men’s room faux pas on a weekly basis. They irritate us more and more every time. Some men don’t seem to understand these social constructs. We’re willing to bet that every man who reads this can relate to at least one of these. Most events occur at the urinal because apparently a lack of walls equals a lack of personal space.


Chatty Kathy

There is no reason to speak to another man within the confines of the men’s room. The sole exception is at the sinks. Even then, the conversation should be limited one or two words per person. We’re not women, don’t pretend to be one.

When at the urinal, you face straight ahead and nothing short of a nuclear attack should break your focus. You also cease all conversation. No one wants to talk to you when you have your dick in your hand. Most men have once walked into the men’s room with a co-worker (purely coincidental) and he tried to continue the conversation once inside. It is up to you to put an abrupt halt to that dialogue with a stern “DUDE!”. He might still not get it. He’s a moron.

Also, speaking to a man in another stall should be punishable by law. Check your TP supply upon entering. No excuses.

No cell phone use either. Let it go to voice mail, call the person back. Please don’t hold a conference call while another man is pinching a loaf. Ugh.



This guy is so damned irritating. He will stand at the urinal, both hands on his hips and taking a leak like it’s some kind of GD magic trick. Do yourself a favor, do the next person to use that urinal a favor, do the cleaning lady a favor, AIM YOUR SHIT! The puffed out chest that can accompany this pose is either a method of aiming or he’s just trying to show off. This guy is an ass.


Leaning Tower of Jackass

This special brand of jackass finds it necessary to turn the area into his own private lounge. He’ll usually sigh audibly to announce his presence, find a urinal next to the wall, and flop against said wall like a bear teetering on hibernation. He’ll take his leak at an angle, tempting fate and physics the entire time. Hey asshole, need a rest? Use the stall.


pecker peeker

This closet case will peer over at your junk while standing next to you at Urinal Row. This guy is easy to pick out if there are dividers between the units (as God intended). It’s a bit more subtle a move if there are no dividers. This goes back to the original point, eyes straight ahead. Move your head to the side, you’re gay. Unless, of course, you are trying to search for a Miami Dolphins Super Bowl ring missing a gemstone. Even then you’ll probably end up making out with a dude. Lesson learned, Ace. Lesson learned.

Another important part of Urinal etiquette is Urinal Selection. To help you with that part of your education, we present the Urinal Game:

Finally, we’ll end with a quick poll question. This debate has raged on in our office for the better part of a year. Is it acceptable to fart in the men’s room? Personally, my argument is that it is completely acceptable. Everyone is there for the same reason, the passing of bodily noises and functions. If you cannot openly fart in the restroom, where can you? I’m not going out to my car, just to break ass. I won’t do it. For this, we ask you, is it acceptable to fart in the men’s room?

Is it acceptable to fart in the men's room?

Halloween Hoodies -- Hoodies As Costumes

We know you're thinking: What the heck is a Halloween Hoodie? It's simple, it's a hoodie that can double as a costume. There are those of us who don't want to dress up like Brüno or Michael Jackson, yet want engage in all the debauchery, candy-consumption and juvenile mischief that make Halloween, Halloween when you're a young adult.

Since you wouldn't be caught dead dressed as SpongeBob Squarepants we've got the hoodies-cum-costumes that will allow you to move seamlessly and sneakily through the dead of night on October 31.

LRG "Dead Serious" Full Zip Hoodie

It's funny how Kanye went from rocking something like this at Paris Fashion Week in 2006 to dressing like this. Enough about 'Ye though, let's give props to LRG and the hoodie that made full zips all the rage. Way cooler than the conventional skeleton suit, this hoodie is perfect for nighttime maneuvers like trick-or-treating and even a little vandalism. Watch L.A. rapper Evidence put it to good use.

Star Wars Darth Maul Hoodie By Marc Ecko

Remember when you saw "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace" and were really intrigued and excited about that insidious Darth Maul character? Yeah, us neither. But since true Star Wars fans have Darth Vader's likeness on lock, you can settle for Lucas's second attempt at creating an iconic Sith lord while pillaging for candy. It's better than dressing up as Jar-Jar Binks.

Panda Full Zip Hoodie by A Bathing Ape

With the A Bathing Ape Panda Full Zip hoodie, you've got options. On the one hand, you can say you're masquerading as Lun Lun of the Atlanta Zoo. On the other, you could be the "Sexual Harassment Panda," who seeks to inform kids about the perils of sexual harassment from strangers dressed in costumes that may or may not being offering them candy. Think of it as your civic duty.

Lot 29 Batman Full Zip Hoodie

Why wear a Batman costume when you can wear Batman? Lot 29's DC Comics license flipped the concept of dressing like the Caped Crusader by allowing you to inhabit his costume, cowl, cape and even his skin. Which, if you think about it, is just as nutty as a suave billionaire dressed like a bat who spends his nights stalking the rooftops of his city searching for the criminally insane. Plus, you can tell people that you're dressed as Adam West's Batman and not the emo Christian Bale version.

Captain America Costume Hoodie

Batman not your thing? More of a Marvel man? You need to represent Steve Rogers style like our man here. July 4 ain't the only day you can look cool wearing Old Glory. [Via Walyou]

LRG Werewolf Hoodie

There's some Serpentor influence going on here, but with LRG's 2008 Werewolf Hoodie, you'll be able to huff and puff and blow your way to some sweet treats. Just try to avoid catching a silver bullet. Unless it's one of these.

Volcom Yae Slim Zip Hydro Hoodie

See that face? It's the same one you'll be making when you see yourself in the mirror wearing this Volcom full zip.

Apocylocto Hoodie (custom)

The Hentai porn of urban apparel, the custom Apocylcoto hoodie mirrors much of Halloween's practices as it is as arbitrary as it is downright weird. But rest assured that you'll definitely get some looks and comments as you walk down the street with a skull-faced octopus that's brandishing weapons resting on your head.

"Halo" Master Chief Costume Zip-up Hooded Sweatshirt Hoodie

If you're going to rock this, refrain from carrying any type of toy gun. Yes, Master Chief packs a variety of heat, but the last thing you need is to spend the weekend in the pokey because you were running through the park hopped up on snack-size Three Musketeers bars battling the Covenant.

Black Rhino Jason Hoodie by Marc Ecko and LRG "Friday the 47th" Hoodie

Hey Ecko, we're happy for you and we're gonna to let you finish, but LRG's "Friday the 47th" hoodie was the best "Friday the 13th" hoodie of ALL TIME. No, seriously it was. If anything Lifted Research Group takes the golden chainsaw simply for the fact that it married Jason's iconography with its brand imagery and didn't drop any coin on licensing. Unless you're going out this Halloween dressed as someone dressed in the LRG original, you're going to want to skip this one.

High Time to Legalize?

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What Your Cocktail Says About You

Ever notice that shadow looming near your shoulder at a bar that you sense is most likely a beautiful woman, but may only be some big, encroaching dude? And, on the off chance that the shadowy blob is, in fact, a beautiful woman, ever wonder why she seems to be eavesdropping on your chat with the bartender? Well, the truth is, she’s probably judging your drink. No, she’s not necessarily standing there to scrutinize your thirst-palette, but she is secretly taking into consideration your choice of booze. She probably cares about just as much as your boss did during the company dinner he found out you drank shirley temples (i.e. enough). So, perhaps its time to revamp your glass. Or at least evaluate what your glass says about your ass(ets). Here's what she's hearing

Whiskey Woodsmen

Straight off the bat, whiskey connotates a burly sort. This means that however well-groomed and well-versed, you’ve got the soul of a backwoodsman. Often extremely attractive to women (who doesn’t love a semi-brute after all), whiskey implies to a woman that you’ve got the hootspa to hammer down a door and hang a ceiling fan or, at least, ride a horse? It’s not so important that you’re capable of any of these things. It matters more that you’ve got the dark mind, isolated heart and gritted teeth to bear the bitter taste - this is what a woman expects from whiskey. Similarly, a boss man/employer may find you quite the impressive young man if the drink in your hand is one descended from a long line of thick-skinned tradition telling of Davey Croquet and other fur-pelted heroes.

Martini Matters

If you order a martini, you’re practically plastering a sign to your face that reads, “I have good taste, I have good money, and moreover I’m exhausted from my high-paying, suit-requiring career.” Martinis are no little thing. It’s not often a woman hears a young man ordering a martini rather than the general shot of Maker’s Mark. A martini means specificity, style and a small desire to be James Bond. In fact, it’s wise to only drink martinis straight up if you’ve got such broad shoulders, dashing suits and natural charm. Otherwise, go for on-the-rocks (and non-fruity-flavored types), which will slightly tone down the bold statement and relieve you of feeling watched while you’re sipping. Martini’s are a general hit with executives and clients of any kind, so long as you’re not necessarily making them pay for it...

Mojitos No More

Mojitos can be tricky, because mojitos served at various restaurant often resemble different drinks. If the glass is simply prepped with mint leaves, a lime slice, ice and the drink itself, you should be fine. In fact, this would give off an impression of relaxed exoticism (i.e. confident and intriguingly adventurous), and is definitely recommended for those of tanned, island-looking skin who manage to pull off mojitos like Hawaiin girls in grass skirts. However, if the glass arrives and seems to steal attention from your appearance rather than add to it, meaning that it magnetizes eyes over its frilly, brightly colored features - go the bathroom and drain it as quickly as possible. There’s no need to subject yourself to whispers over questioned sexuality by sipping what seems to be a peculiar cocktail too flavored to get you favored by onlookers. Unless you are vacationing at a vast beach resort or lunching at an ethnic restaurant, try to avoid the mojito if you’re looking not to avoid a woman.

Screw Your Driver

Ah, yes, screwdrivers - the most beloved, biggest excuse for specialized mixed drinks of all time. Spun with oj and vodka, the screwdriver says you don’t particularly like putting up with the sour taste of alcohol and need a diversion to quickly delude yourself into enjoying the gulp down. While many people drink screwdrivers (many of them being women) and they do not carry much individuality and prestige, this is a fairly harmless mixed drink to associate yourself with. No, it does not imply you’re the toughest, manliest of the assortment sitting bar side, but it also doesn’t condemn you to a damn lonely stumble home. In fact, screwdrivers are highly likely to slip down so easily you won’t remember to count until you can’t anymore. At least this way you have an excuse to ask some stranger to drive you home (though this is not recommended at work events).

Gin ‘n’ Tonic Tease

Gin and Tonics are definitely some steps up from the screwdriver. Even if only because they do not contain a fruit juice but instead a bitter liquor and seltzer water, because they look elegant and are served in stylishly simple glasses, and because they connotate a man who appreciates an easy time inebriating himself without under-appreciating the process, gin and tonics are the B version James Bond (or, like, James Bond on his day off in a darkened saloon). Simultaneously, gin and tonics are fairly nondescript, because a large collection of younger kids, women, ancient men and even depressed mothers drink them. This means you aren’t trapped in anyway, but you also haven’t made any kind of dashing statement, which means more work for you (but less than having to dig yourself out of Roy Rogers hole). Unfortunately, the only problem is that many bars go totally heavy on the tonic and terribly light on the gin, which is difficult to explain to your wallet and the woman who wonders why you’re chain-drinking alone.

The Godfather

There’s not much explanation necessary for The Godfather. When women discover what’s in the drink they’ll raise an eyebrow and their skirts. When your boss hears you order it, he’ll raise an eyebrow and possibly your position in the company. The Godfather, a solid and simple combination of one part scotch, one part amaretto, says you like it strong, with a kick and close to ‘much too intense for everybody else.’ The Godfather makes you a stand alone man, not only because many people rarely order them these days, but because you’ve managed to put a classic (scotch), with a semi-eccentric (amaretto) and easily suck them down. This means good things all around. Moreover, you can drink a Godfather in a tux, tattered jeans or denim jacket and it won’t matter. The drink itself speaks so highly of you and your undeniable, masculine strengths, that to fret over your clothes would undermine everything.

I see London...I See France.,... I see yoor underpants

Knickerless ladette ambles belligerently through Wales

I'm not sure why, particularly given that it happened in Cardiff, the photo of this woman stumbling about town in an advanced state of déshabillité has resulted in such horror from the British tabs, but I do know that I can't decide which gasping description I prefer, the Sun's "The knickerless girl was seen in the centre of Cardiff after a heavy session," or the Mail's "This shrieking ladette was photographed staggering through Cardiff city centre late on Friday night." If only she were holding a knife, this would be perfect.

A Lifeguard Tower I Would Live In

If I wore a red swimsuit to work every day, used to drive a black Pontiac Firebird Trans Am, and all my female friends had big boobs and ran in slow motion, I would totally live in this lifeguard tower.

Or in any of the above, for that matter. But seriously, I'd live in the first one—created in 1975 by German engineer Ulrich Müther and architect Dietrich Otto—even if I weren't a lifeguard. It is located in Binz beach, on the island of Rügen. Now, please enjoy these gratuitous shots of "lifeguards":

You are welcome. [Bed Searcher via DRB]

Send an email to Jesus Diaz, the author of this post, at