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Friday, October 23, 2009

What Your Cocktail Says About You

Ever notice that shadow looming near your shoulder at a bar that you sense is most likely a beautiful woman, but may only be some big, encroaching dude? And, on the off chance that the shadowy blob is, in fact, a beautiful woman, ever wonder why she seems to be eavesdropping on your chat with the bartender? Well, the truth is, she’s probably judging your drink. No, she’s not necessarily standing there to scrutinize your thirst-palette, but she is secretly taking into consideration your choice of booze. She probably cares about just as much as your boss did during the company dinner he found out you drank shirley temples (i.e. enough). So, perhaps its time to revamp your glass. Or at least evaluate what your glass says about your ass(ets). Here's what she's hearing

Whiskey Woodsmen

Straight off the bat, whiskey connotates a burly sort. This means that however well-groomed and well-versed, you’ve got the soul of a backwoodsman. Often extremely attractive to women (who doesn’t love a semi-brute after all), whiskey implies to a woman that you’ve got the hootspa to hammer down a door and hang a ceiling fan or, at least, ride a horse? It’s not so important that you’re capable of any of these things. It matters more that you’ve got the dark mind, isolated heart and gritted teeth to bear the bitter taste - this is what a woman expects from whiskey. Similarly, a boss man/employer may find you quite the impressive young man if the drink in your hand is one descended from a long line of thick-skinned tradition telling of Davey Croquet and other fur-pelted heroes.

Martini Matters

If you order a martini, you’re practically plastering a sign to your face that reads, “I have good taste, I have good money, and moreover I’m exhausted from my high-paying, suit-requiring career.” Martinis are no little thing. It’s not often a woman hears a young man ordering a martini rather than the general shot of Maker’s Mark. A martini means specificity, style and a small desire to be James Bond. In fact, it’s wise to only drink martinis straight up if you’ve got such broad shoulders, dashing suits and natural charm. Otherwise, go for on-the-rocks (and non-fruity-flavored types), which will slightly tone down the bold statement and relieve you of feeling watched while you’re sipping. Martini’s are a general hit with executives and clients of any kind, so long as you’re not necessarily making them pay for it...

Mojitos No More

Mojitos can be tricky, because mojitos served at various restaurant often resemble different drinks. If the glass is simply prepped with mint leaves, a lime slice, ice and the drink itself, you should be fine. In fact, this would give off an impression of relaxed exoticism (i.e. confident and intriguingly adventurous), and is definitely recommended for those of tanned, island-looking skin who manage to pull off mojitos like Hawaiin girls in grass skirts. However, if the glass arrives and seems to steal attention from your appearance rather than add to it, meaning that it magnetizes eyes over its frilly, brightly colored features - go the bathroom and drain it as quickly as possible. There’s no need to subject yourself to whispers over questioned sexuality by sipping what seems to be a peculiar cocktail too flavored to get you favored by onlookers. Unless you are vacationing at a vast beach resort or lunching at an ethnic restaurant, try to avoid the mojito if you’re looking not to avoid a woman.

Screw Your Driver

Ah, yes, screwdrivers - the most beloved, biggest excuse for specialized mixed drinks of all time. Spun with oj and vodka, the screwdriver says you don’t particularly like putting up with the sour taste of alcohol and need a diversion to quickly delude yourself into enjoying the gulp down. While many people drink screwdrivers (many of them being women) and they do not carry much individuality and prestige, this is a fairly harmless mixed drink to associate yourself with. No, it does not imply you’re the toughest, manliest of the assortment sitting bar side, but it also doesn’t condemn you to a damn lonely stumble home. In fact, screwdrivers are highly likely to slip down so easily you won’t remember to count until you can’t anymore. At least this way you have an excuse to ask some stranger to drive you home (though this is not recommended at work events).

Gin ‘n’ Tonic Tease

Gin and Tonics are definitely some steps up from the screwdriver. Even if only because they do not contain a fruit juice but instead a bitter liquor and seltzer water, because they look elegant and are served in stylishly simple glasses, and because they connotate a man who appreciates an easy time inebriating himself without under-appreciating the process, gin and tonics are the B version James Bond (or, like, James Bond on his day off in a darkened saloon). Simultaneously, gin and tonics are fairly nondescript, because a large collection of younger kids, women, ancient men and even depressed mothers drink them. This means you aren’t trapped in anyway, but you also haven’t made any kind of dashing statement, which means more work for you (but less than having to dig yourself out of Roy Rogers hole). Unfortunately, the only problem is that many bars go totally heavy on the tonic and terribly light on the gin, which is difficult to explain to your wallet and the woman who wonders why you’re chain-drinking alone.

The Godfather

There’s not much explanation necessary for The Godfather. When women discover what’s in the drink they’ll raise an eyebrow and their skirts. When your boss hears you order it, he’ll raise an eyebrow and possibly your position in the company. The Godfather, a solid and simple combination of one part scotch, one part amaretto, says you like it strong, with a kick and close to ‘much too intense for everybody else.’ The Godfather makes you a stand alone man, not only because many people rarely order them these days, but because you’ve managed to put a classic (scotch), with a semi-eccentric (amaretto) and easily suck them down. This means good things all around. Moreover, you can drink a Godfather in a tux, tattered jeans or denim jacket and it won’t matter. The drink itself speaks so highly of you and your undeniable, masculine strengths, that to fret over your clothes would undermine everything.


Anonymous October 23, 2009 at 11:27 PM  

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