Well, the title may be a bit lavish, but Ugly is the new Pretty in Foxboro, and I am more than happy to dress myself in all kinds of Ugly the rest of the season if it means more wins, especially the kind that ground Brett the Jet and kick Mangenius in his football sack.
Cassel was far from awesome, but what could we really expect from a guy who hadn’t started a football game since we all were looking FORWARD to more Star Wars and Matrix films? Last season the Pats went from super-team to an aerial circus featuring The Amazing Tom Brady and Mossman: Touchdown Maker Extrordinaire. Well, that’s gone, for now, maybe forever.
And while it’s sad, and we all miss TFB to levels we’re uncomfortable describing to friends and family, we got a new team here to root for. And that new team is the old TEAM, the one comprised of 53 players...the one that ran out of the tunnel with no individual player introductions...the one that would make 13-3 victories regular and exciting...the one that played D first (which your mom goes bananas for) and hit first, asking no questions, period...the one that somehow made everyone wonder how good they were as they kept winning games, pissing off opponent after opponent...the team that’s personality reflected their coach’s: far from forthcoming, purposefully boring, but effective and dominant...you know, THE FAHKIN’ PATS!
Headlines everywhere proclaim, “Pats Win Differently”, but we all remember the Pats winning games like this all too well. (cue Dana Carvey grumpy old man voice) And we liked it!
The diehard Pats fan should feel that it’s sad that the most exciting version of the Pats we ever saw didn’t win the Super Bowl and complete the Run for 19 and Done, because that asterisk would have dutifully erased the one some asswipes hang next to the 2007 Pats now. But there is no sadness in what’s going on now, and what will come to be, and how they might do it.
TFB’s Gone, and these Pats didn’t need Rick Pitino to tell them, “Tom brady’s not walking through that door...well, if he does it’ll be on crutches, but you get the point!” They got the point, loud and friggin’ clear. It’s back to ballbusting, bone-crushing basics, and the sooner everyone can wipe the 9 TD passes from TFB to Mossman from their mind, and get excited about 4 point wins with lots of screen passes, short runs and clutch D, the better for us all.
I’m genuinely excited, wait, reinvigorated by this season (I know: 10 ‘mo points for me for using the word re-invigorated - SORRY!) In some strange perverted pigskin way it’s kinda more exciting to me now that the Pats had to scrap the ENTIRE EVERYTHING they had planned for 2008 and reinvent themselves in about 1 week’s time for a season that had already started. And these new 2008 Pats got their new season off to a fahkin’ sweet-as-your-sister’s candy start with a win in the Dreadowlands. And I loved it. And I bet you did too.
And now for our postgame Cheers and Beers...
**To Matt Cassel, who helped us Sack up with The Back-Up and lead us to a much-needed “Hey America, SHADDUP!” win against the hated Jets
**To Adalius Thomas whose one-handed sack of Favre and Leon Washington might have been the football equivalent of KG’s slam at the end of Game 1 of the 2008 NBA Finals
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO RUN AWAY FROM ME AND / OR TOUCH ME!!!
**To Brandon Meriweather, who HELD ON TO THE INTERCEPTION THIS TIME (*sigh*, pause for a few man-tears and stifled screams...it’s gonna be OK)
**To the 3-headed running back hydra that is Morris, Jordan and Faulk (Maroney - you cut that dancing at the line shit out and start hitting some holes and you can be the 4th head on the hydra, OK). Extra points to Lamont Jordan who ground out his 62 yards late, and in front of his old crowd, earning him some nice “Shoulda never let me go, Jets” satisfaction.
**To White Wes Welker, whose screen grabs and catch-n-runs earn him the title of “Best running back to ever play the wide receiver position”
**To The Mossman, for not bitching up a probably deserved sideline storm after Casselvania missed him on the play-action bomb. You know, the one where Moss had 100 yards of separation on Reveis? OH, that woulda been PFS: Pretty Fahkin’ Sweet.
Did you SEE how open I was?
**To Eric Hamgini, for calling a cruddy conservative game, and losing, and looking like a humpfaced turd the entire time. You know, like himself.
**To Stephen Gostkowski’s accurate boomstick of a right leg yesterday. I ain’t a stathound, but 4 for 4 FGs, and 6 outta 7 touchbacks? Quick, someone get Stephen G to the R & T!
Big win. BIG WIN! It served up some fresh-baked Shitcake to all the Haters, and things look good going into Miami on the whole. Now we don’t have to listen to people talking the AFC East up as won and done for the Jets (Buffalo looks pretty good, but we’ll deal with them later). Miami’s next, and the “what’s old is new” Pats should TCB, even without TFB.
Cheers and LET’S GO PATS!
PS - Adalius Thomas just wanted me to relay something to everyone for him...
“Tell your friends the newly-minted old-fashioned Pats are coming, and Hell’s coming with us. Did you hear me? HELL’S COMING WITH US!”