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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

5 Animals That Can Do Amazing Things ... With Their Penises

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Some say that nothing speaks to the loving hand of a creative designer better than nature's cornucopia of intricate and elaborate penises, uniform only in their beauty.

Giggle if you want, but sex keeps the animal kingdom going and to meet this task, some creatures have evolved penises that are a cape and a mask away from fighting crime.

The Elephant's Prehensile Fifth Leg

Look, you didn't need us to tell you that elephants probably have gigantic genitals. Though... if you didn't previously realize just how big, well, look at the picture. That's not a malformed leg back there he's standing on. That's totally his undoctored-by-Photoshop dong.

But to really grasp its magnificence, you need to see it in action. That's when you realize that they can, and do, use it for anything. Hell, wouldn't you?

Imagine this attached to your crotch.

Say an elephant is off balance, maybe the ground is uneven where's he picking out some fruit to eat, or something. No problem, they just lean on their dick. No, we're not just making a cheap joke here--read it from an expert.

Or, perhaps the dreaded tste fly is bothering our poor pachyderm pal in places his trunk just can't reach. He'll just swat them with his massive and impressively dexterous penis. An itch in one of those hard to reach places? Penis.


Enjoy this video that we... think is NSFW (it's elephant penis, maybe it depends on where you work?)

Uh, yeah, it kind of turns horrifying toward the end, with his dick twirling around like a tentacle, trying to find the sweet spot on his elephant lover. Elephants are so big they find it tricky to line up their genitals and thrust rhythmically so what'll happen is the Babar will mount Celeste and just stand there while his super-penis feels around.

Elephant sex is a lot like snaking a clogged drain.

The male doesn't have to shake his hips or anything, just hold on tight and await the glory while his motorized member explores the space.

By the way, some of you reading this have already said, "What about dolphins? Their prehensile penises are universally considered the greatest achievement as a species." Well, there have always been rumors about that but there appear to be no scholarly sources backing this claim up.

"For the last time! I don't know if dolphins have 'rockin' junk. Next question."

Still, for your enjoyment here's a video of a dolphin trying to pick up a toy ball with his boner. Or he may just be trying to hump it, hard to say.

But if you think either of them have the most talented penises in the animal kingdom, well...

The Argonaut's Detachable Penis

How many times has this happened to you: You're busily going about your day, say, delivering pizzas, when some beautiful female customer demands you have sex with her via lots of fairly obvious innuendo.

"Did somebody order a large sausage?"

What do you do? You've not finished your important errands, but this poor girl needs your seed! Right now! You don't want to leave her hanging, do you? Well if you're an argonaut (a.k.a. a paper nautilus), there is no conflict at all. You simply detach your dick. It will go take care of its business while you take care of yours.

The argonaut's penis has its own tail, allowing it to swim to the female if the dude is so busy he can't even be bothered to go over and say hi.

In fact when the penis was first noticed by science it was thought to be as a parasitic worm. It was years before it was discovered that the flailing member was actually a brainless, sperm-filled guided missile.

"Hey, a pretty girl. Quick, fire your dick at her!"

Oh, to be a fly on the wall in that laboratory when they first made the discovery ("PENIS! IT'S A PENIS! DON'T TOUCH IT!"). Though it also casts new light on the Toronto Argonauts of the Canadian Football League, who we've now decided have the best mascot in sports.

Though we have some suggestions for a more imaginative logo.

The Flatworm's Penis Sword

We made a big deal out of the many uses of an elephant penis earlier, but there's no question it has limits. For instance, we can't find any evidence of an elephant killing a dude with it (obviously if such a YouTube video existed, it would be the most-viewed clip in Internet history).

Thus the elephant finds its penis ranked well below that of the flatworm. If you're a flatworm, all you need to get through a day of sex, hunting and fighting is your amazing penis. What human can say that? OK, other than him.

We mean Sean Connery, not James Bond

Tucked away in the last place you'd think to look (his mouth) the flatworm keeps an amazing dagger-penis so hard and sharp it is used for hunting and self-defense. Again: The flatworm has a penis inside his mouth, which is so rock solid that he uses it kill things. What would be better than that?

Having two of them. Which he does (both in his mouth, naturally). Here is a video of two flatworms having a duel with their boners.

If you were asking yourself whether or not that was the "fighting" or "mating" part, it was both.

We have termed the act "battle-fuck."

The cockfights (GET IT?!) are what keep the species going. Since flatworms are hermaphrodites, when two of them happen to meet they'll get erections, open their mouths and start stabbing until someone is either pregnant or dead. It's strangely mesmerizing. Seriously, we could watch these videos all day.

Barnacles Are Freakishly Well-Endowed

When asked what they want to be reincarnated as, almost nobody says "barnacle." That's because they don't know enough about barnacles.

As a barnacle you don't have to work a day in your life, you get to travel around the world for free (assuming you're smart enough to live on the hull of a ship or a whale and not some lame-assed rock) and you have largest proportional penis in the known universe. They employ said penis frequently in massive barnacle orgies.

Barnacles are the Bruce Campbell's of the sea.

The thing is, barnacles can't move (every day's a Sunday!) so you can see how that would normally stand in the way of an active sex life. Their solution is to all lump themselves together in colonies. But who would want to be stuck mating with the barnacle that just happened to set down roots next to them?

To solve this problem, evolution and/or the Lord God Almighty teamed up to bless these already lucky little bastards with a really big penis. Like really big.

Can you spot the barnacle in this picture?

Like eight times the length of their body. That's like if you had a 50-foot penis. Scientists say that an equivalent human could, in a threesome, stand on opposite sides of the house from one partner while the other used your looped member like a double-dutch jump rope.

To make the whole barnacle sex scene just a little freakier, they are all hermaphrodites. So if they wanted to they could just mate with themselves, but this is considered to be "for pussies" in barnacle culture.

No, they prefer to mate with anyone and everyone around them using their gigantic junk. If you're thinking that this involves a barnacle reaching out with his lengthy dong and just slapping it around the colony blindly until it lands in a vagina, well, that's pretty much it.

And, of course, if somehow nobody else within their (impressive) dong radius is in the mood, they can always have sex with themselves. And you wanted to be reincarnated as a bald eagle? They don't even have penises.

Is it too late to get this printed on all of the money?

Ducks Have Swiss Army Dongs

Ducks are a pretty amazingly boring species until you consider their fantastic genitals. We're talking about junk whose claims to fame includes spikes, corkscrews, booby trapped vaginas and, as far as size goes, well, they can hold their own.


Though that last one raises a question: ducks aren't like barnacles, they don't need a huge spool of penis to reach their mates. They can walk or swim right up to them. Scientists are just as puzzled by this excess you are, and right now their best guess goes by the batshit-insane title of The Penis Lasso Theory.

Ducks, sadly, are assholes who really really like to rape. It's estimated that at least one third of all duck sex is forced, so it's important for ducks to have a way of catching their victims. Hence a cock so long that some scientists honestly believe they wield it like a bull whip.

Indiana Jones in the process of apprehending and raping a fleeing Shia LaBeouf.

The rapey nature of duck mating has led to a bizarre sort of duck genital arms race, with females building greater and more complex vaginal defenses over time. Thus, some duck species' have vaginas that corkscrew in the opposite direction of the males' corkscrew penises, and even have up to eight false pathways to make the intrusive penis take a wrong turn.

Of course, the mere fact that ducks still exist as a species is testament to the increasing ingenuity and dedication of the males' genitals. No one can say for sure how long it will be before ducks abandon flying and take to swinging through the trees like the well-endowed characters in some disturbing furry fan-art, but absolutely everyone agrees that it's only a matter of time. And every sports team in the world will fight to switch their mascot.


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