World's 50 best beach bars

Drink in hand, toes in sand: These classic beach bars do it better than anyone 

 

Anyone can stick up a shack on the sand, stock it with beers and call it a beach bar.
But what makes a great beach bar?

It could be the sand-in-your-toes factor, or the washing and hissing of the waves nearby, or the sunsets or the people you meet.

But the truth is there’s no formula, no magic ingredients that will guarantee a place in a list of the world’s best beach bars. 

We’ve included spots that range from the chic and the elite with smooth lines and mesmerizing cocktail waiters, to the haphazard, thrown-together shacks constructed from scavenged driftwood.

The only thing these places have in common is that once you’ve been, you inevitably start planning to get back there someday, somehow.

We know this list won't hit all the great beach bars around the world, so let us know -- which beach bars did we miss? Leave a comment.

50. La Plancha, Bali, Indonesia

Kind of like a teen's dorm room, with less booze.

How did a simple beach shack beat out ultra luxe bars such as KU DÉ TA and Potatohead? By keeping it real. La Plancha’s laid-back reggae beats, ice-cold beers, oversized bean bags and jugs of potent sangria have made it the spot to be from 4 p.m. every day.
Surfers use the spot as a strip-down, wax-on spot before catching the last waves of the day. But La Plancha’s biggest draw is the sunset.
An uninterrupted view of the changing pink-to-red-to-orange sky will have you seriously considering retiring here, even though you’re only 28 and broke.
Double Six Beach, Bali; +62 0361 890 0000; www.laplanchabali.com. 

49. Nikki Beach, Miami, United States

Reservations and good-lookers only.

This cool club with a rep for its strict door policy -- be irresistibly beautiful or don't turn up without a reservation -– didn’t invent the beach bar, but it did reinvent the genre for a generation who may never have felt the sand between their manicured toes. St. Trop-style chill joint by day, with raised “opium beds” and linen-covered loungers, it turns into an alfresco nightclub after dark, when international DJs man the decks at weekends.
There are now Nikkis from Koh Samui to Cabo San Lucas -- not to mention the desert resorts of Las Vegas and Marrakech, where Nikki has created a modern-day mirage.
1 Ocean Drive, South Beach, Miami Beach, Florida, United States; www.nikkibeachmiami.com

48. Tortilla Flats, Dominical, Costa Rica

Rustic, cluttered, perfect.

This long-standing beach hut is a surfer hotel, seaside restaurant and happening night spot all rolled into one. The two-story establishment is located right on the sand in the laid-back surf town of Dominical. During the day, the crowds (mostly comprising dripping wet surfers) flock to Tortilla Flats for the surprisingly good food.
As the day winds down, you can grab a drink from the well-stocked bar and watch the waves roll in against the sunset.
Tortilla Flats, Playa Dominical, Dominical, Costa Rica; +506 2787 0033; www.tortillaflatsdominical.com
Also on CNNGo: 30 of the world's best hotel bars

47. Pelican Bar, Jakes Treasure Beach, Jamaica

One drinking session you can never claim to have forgotten.

When a place claims to have “the best cocktails in the sea” it’s easier to be cynical. But Pelican Bar really could have the best, because it really is in the sea.Part of the Jakes Treasure Beach resort, the Pelican is built out on a shoal requiring a short boat ride for a visit.
No Internet, no TVs, no pool tables -- just thatched roof, seats and booze. No wonder it’s considered by fans to be the single best beach bar in the Caribbean.
Calabash Bay, Jakes Treasure Beach, St. Elizabeth, Jamaica, W.I.; www.jakeshotel.com

46. Purobeach, Mallorca, Spain

A beach bar for the aesthetically minded.

If, upon setting foot in Mallorca's Purobeach, you feel as if you've stepped into a design magazine, you're exactly right. The gorgeous beachfront property, run by Swedish entrepreneur Mats Wahlström, has been featured in countless fashionable glossies.This no doubt accounts for its popularity among the international jet set.
At Purobeach beautiful bodies lie perennially on white loungers, sipping passion fruit mojitos under the shade of white beach umbrellas and potted palms.
During the day, Purobeach offers spa and yoga sessions to its designer swimwear-clad patrons. Come nightfall, clubbers gather around the large pool to dance to tunes from Wahlström's music label.
Montenegro, 12 Palma, Mallorca, Spain; +34 971 425 450; www.purobeach.com

45. Tamboo Tavern, Rincon, Puerto Rico

Sometimes beaches are better at night.

Imagine a bar where you spend lunch time bathing on the sands and drinking pina coladas, the afternoons watching old black and white movies in a cozy corner and the evenings listening to live Latino music while humpback whales break the ocean surface in front of the glowing sun. It's not a dream -- this place exists on the idyllic coastline of Puerto Rico. It's chilled out, but lively, it's popular but roomy. If you're planning a visit to the Caribbean, make sure you visit.
Open from noon. Sandy Beach Road, 413 Interior, Puntas, Rincon, Puerto Rico; +787 823 8550; www.besidethepointe.com
Also on CNNGo: World's 50 most delicious foods

44. Cary Arms, Babbacombe, England

It's England; the beach umbrellas are in case it rains.

Now into its third summer as a posh people's gastropub, the once-derelict Cary Arms is like a little glimpse of English heaven -- as long as the sun’s shining. One part traditional British watering-hole with beamed ceiling and stone fireplace, non-diners can settle into a pint of Otters Ale or Bays Gold among the specialty beers.
For the hungry there's lobster and chips, the best crab sandwiches in Devon, all manner of gourmet fish dishes and the county's famous Devon cream teas. Chill to a view of the coastline in one of the Adirondack chairs on the terrace, or move fast to grab a lunch table in the high-perched pergola known as the Captain's Table.
Beach Road, Babbacombe, Devon, England; www.caryarms.co.uk

43. Catch Beach Club, Phuket, Thailand

The world's most purple bar?

The Thai resort's most fashionable beach bar is particularly popular on Friday night, when lamb and tuna hit the spit along with oysters and other seafood. There's more barbecue action on Tuesdays, and drinks are a draw every night of the week, with signature cocktails including a Sly Thai and My Thai.
While reports of the cuisine are mixed, the beachfront ambiance and live music are universally acclaimed; get there early to bag one of the day beds close to the water's edge.
Twin Palms Hotel, Surin Beach Road, Cherng Talay, Surin Beach, Phuket, Thailand; catchbeachclub.com/index.html

42. Nammos beach club, Bali, Indonesia

A private inclinator -- to get rid of those who can't walk home afterward.

Kudos for effort -- this lively watering hole aims to recreate the ambiance of a Greek island, despite being based on a bamboo platform with a roof of indigenous grass. The only access to its home on a tranquil turquoise lagoon fringed with white sand is via a private inclinator, which transports guests up and down 100 meters of sheer limestone cliff.
While the beach is the star by day (not to mention the waiters who dive into the lagoon to collect a lunch of locally farmed seafood to order), by night the bar turns on the romance with Champagne and cold beer to lubricate the prawns and lobster.
Karma Kandara Resort, Jalan Wijaya Kusuma, Bali, Indonesia; www.karmakandara.com
Also on CNNGo: Shanghai's 6 best new cocktail bars

41. Tanjong Beach Club, Singapore

A gritty piece of fun. Who called this island sterile?

This hideout on the sands does its best to recreate a relaxed beach attitude on the outskirts of the uptight city-state. It came into existence thanks to a pair of not-so-uptight Aussie brothers who saw the sands of Sentosa as the perfect environment for seafood platters, tropical cocktails and good healthy fun like beach volleyball.
120 Tanjong Beach Walk, Sentosa, Singapore; www.tanjongbeachclub.com

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Israeli scientists develop date-rape drug detector

From: http://www.physorg.com/

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A bartender mixes a drink. The days of having to cart your cocktail to the ladies room may be over: two Israeli scientists say they have developed a sensor that can accurately detect date-rape drugs in drinks 100 percent of the time.

Professor Fernando Patolsky and Doctor Michael Ioffe of Tel Aviv University's school of chemistry say the sensor can tell you in real time whether your martini or your mocktail has been spiked with either of the two most common date-rape drugs.

"You just dip it into your drink, it might actually look like a stirrer in the final production, it's tiny, very tiny," Ioffe told AFP.

"And you don't even have to hold it up to the light and the system will let you know whether there are drugs dissolved in your drink."

The device sucks up a tiny drop of the suspect beverage and puts it in contact with the patented chemical formula devised by Patolsky and Ioffe.

"The drug itself is reacting with this chemical formulation and the previously clear formula becomes dirty and when the light shines it you can detect it," Ioffe said. "You don't have to do anything but dip it in your drink."
The two scientists tested their device on a range of popular cocktails as well as soft drinks and other beverages and found it was able to correctly tell which had been spiked 100 percent of the time.
"What's amazing is that there is no false positives until now," Ioffe said.

At present, the device can accurately detect the presence of the two of the most-commonly used date-rape drugs: GHB (gamma-hydroxybutyric acid) and ketamine.

The scientists are also working to expand the device's detection capacity to include Rohypnol, another drug commonly used to sedate the victims of date rape.

"We have some very, very optimistic preliminary results," Ioffe said. "All we need is money."

The pair expect the first batch of sensors could be commercially available within a year and a half.

The chemical formula that the device uses is cheap to produce and is not poisonous, meaning companies should be able to produce the sensor without requiring government approval.

All that remains is for the producers to decide how the device will let its users know whether their drink is safe for consumption, and a range of options are being considered, Ioffe said.

"We haven't decided how it will let you know. Maybe it will just light up or a part of it will rotate or maybe it will send a signal to your cell phone because you want to be discreet about it."

(c) 2011 AFP

Ask the bartender: Giving all those old bar terms the finger

By Sean Kenyon,

From: http://blogs.westword.com/

​Sean Kenyon knows how to pour out both drinks and advice. A third-generation bar man with almost 25 years behind the bar, he is a student of cocktail history, a United States Bartenders Guild-certified Spirits Professional and a BAR Ready graduate of the prestigious Beverage Alcohol Resource Program. You can find him behind the bar at Squeaky Bean -- and here every week, where he'll answer your questions. Now serving: Kenyon on bar terms, a question from Petey of Denver.

Q: "Up," "neat," two fingers," "rocks," dry," "dirty" -- when are historical bar linguistics too much, when are they not enough? For example, I ask for two fingers of whiskey, which to me means a measure of two fingers in a tumbler. I'm served a shot in one of those half glass-bottomed shotglasses more aptly adorned with a TGI Friday's logo. I ask for a brand-name vodka "up, with a twist," and I've received it unchilled, in a tumbler. Can you give us a primer on generally accepted to more obscure ordering terms?

A: Great question. Bar terminology is often misunderstood by both inexperienced bartenders and patrons.

Let's start with the "Finger Method..." Ordering by the digit originated in American saloons in the Old West (1830s to 1920), where you would order whiskey by the width of the barman's finger. For example, if you asked for two fingers of whiskey, you would get straight, room-temperature spirit poured in an old fashioned glass (or tumbler) to the height of two fingers. This is an antiquated method and is no longer common because different bartenders have varied sizes of fingers, making the pour lack consistency. As well, most bars have a standard pour of 1.25 to 1.5 ounces, making it difficult to figure out how to charge for each finger.

Recently, with a nod to bar history, there has been an effort to standardize the "finger pour" to 3/4 of an inch per finger in an standard old fashioned glass, which equals about one ounce per finger. This would result in two fingers equaling two ounces and so on. This is not yet generally accepted, but as cocktail culture continues to evolve and more bartenders become well-versed in cocktail history, the standardized finger pour will become more recognized.

Here is a simple glossary of of commonly accepted bar terminology. (Note: liquid measures may vary at individual bars; the amounts listed are the ones I use as standard.)

Shot: 1.25 to1.5 ounces of spirit served up in a small glass.

Neat: 2 ounces of spirit at room temperature served in a standard old fashioned glass or tumbler.

Up: For straight spirit, 2 ounces stirred with ice to chill, generally served in a chilled cocktail glass. For a cocktail, shaken or stirred (depending on the ingredients) with ice, generally served in a chilled cocktail glass.

Rocks: For straight spirit, 2 ounces served over ice in a rocks or old fashioned glass. For a cocktail, shaken or stirred (depending on the ingredients) with ice, strained over fresh ice into a glass specific to the cocktail.

Double: 2.5 ounces of spirit served rocks or neat.

Tall: A standard mixed drink (for example, gin and tonic) served in a taller glass with extra mixer. There is no extra spirit.

Dirty: Adding olive brine to a martini. Personally, I think this is disgusting. A great alternative to olive brine was created by my friend, Nate Windham, an amazing bartender from The Office in Colorado Springs, using a blend of Lillet Blanc, sea salt and orange flower water.

Twist: A swath of citrus peel, twisted to express the oils over a cocktail. Twisting adds to the aromatics and flavor of a spirit or cocktail. I prefer to use a paring knife or peeler, as opposed to the typical channel knife so that the amount of pith is minimal. Twists must be done fresh from the fruit for each cocktail. as they start to dry and lose their oils once they are cut.

Dry: A term used specifically for martinis. A dry martini contains less dry vermouth than the standard 50/50 cocktail; I always use an 11 to 1 gin or vodka to vermouth (2.75 oz to .25oz) ratio for a dry request.

Extra Dry: Another martini-specific term. An extra dry martini contains only a wash (rinsing a glass with spirit ) or bar spoon of vermouth with 3 oz. of vodka or gin.

Perfect: Used generally with martinis and manhattans. A perfect manhattan or martini splits the normal volume of vermouth into equal parts of both sweet and dry. For example:

Perfect Manhattan

2 oz rye whiskey
.5 oz sweet vermouth
.5 oz dry vermouth,
2 dashes of Angostura bitters

Add all ingredients into a mixing glass. Add ice, stir to chill. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass or over fresh ice into an old fashioned glass.

Now that you know how to order like a pro, you're all set for the holiday drinking season.

Cheers!

The Keg ‘n’ Casket

BY H.L. Parker
From: http://providencedailydose.com/

According The Providence Journal the City of Providence Board of Licenses has heard a proposal for a new pub in the Wayland Square area,

. . . the proprietors of Monahan Drabble & Sherman Funeral Home propose to open a pub in an old garage space attached to their business at Wayland and Waterman avenues.

The license board began a public hearing on the application last week and then tabled the request temporarily while the proprietors, brothers Mark E. Russell and Robert Russell, both of Country Club Drive, Warwick, consult with Stephen Lewinstein, who has extensive real estate investments in the vicinity.

The plan is for a 60-seat eatery to be called McBride’s Pub, complete with an outdoor patio where the cars now park. They’ll need a bouncer with a velvet rope — people are already dying to get in. (More pix after the jump.)

Bizarre Rectum Bar Design in Vienna

Considering that I was in Vienna a year ago, this is real shicking to me. Did not think this would fly in Austria, let alone Vienna.


From: http://www.walyou.com/

By Aamir Ramone

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, well, the Rectum Bar in Vienna kind of leaves you lost for words, doesn’t it? Actually, at first sight, there may be only a few single words that will come to mind right away.

As offensive or disgusting as this Rectum Bar may be for some, it is also rather educational, for it illustrates an anatomically correct digestion track with great detail, going from tongue to anus, and the large intestine. Better yet, it was an actual real theme bar outside of the Vienna Museums Quarter, so it was also supposed to be artistic. The photographer, Jurgen from Random Good Stuff, has really made sure as to present the detail and realism.

The designer Atlier Van Lieshout explains the project as following:

BarRectum, Arsch Bar, Asshole Bar, Bar Anus. While the translations sound different, the form is universally recognizable. The bar takes its shape from the human digestive system: starting with the tongue, continuing to the stomach, moving through the small and the large intestines and exiting through the anus. While BarRectum is anatomically correct, the last part of the large intestine has been inflated to a humongous size to hold as many drinking customers at the bar as possible. The anus itself is part of a large door that doubles as an emergency exit.

Now the question is really…would you buy a drink there?

For another cool bar that may not be so ‘in your face’, check out the Progress Bar, illustrating the dreaded “progress bar” from our computers.

'Beer mat house' sets new Guinness World Record

From: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8614779.stm

The creator of the world's largest house made entirely out of beer mats has sealed his Guinness World Record, by pulling it down.

Sven Goebel used over 300,000 coasters to create walls and furniture for the house.

But to claim the record title, he had to prove no adhesives had been used to hold his structure together.

Wendy Urquhart reports.

Pub offers free drinks to women based on bra size

A nightclub in Singapore is attracting attention for a marketing strategy that offers free drinks according to women's bra sizes, the China Press reports.
The OverEasy nightclub introduced the event 'Fill My Cups' recently to promote events hosted by Australian DJ DCUP.
The promotion allows A-cup patrons one free drink, B-cups two, C-cups three, and D-cups can claim a free bottle of vodka.
"It was really a play on the guest DJ's name. When we heard that it was DCUP, we decided to give the event an added spin," said Ms Cheryl Ho, spokesman for The Lo & Behold Group, which runs OverEasy.
The stunt has drawn as much criticism as it has laughter, with some calling it distasteful, "I think the concept is funny but I would not degrade myself by being a part of it," a 19-year-old women told The New Paper, a local publication.
Others believe the 'booze for boobs' gimmick is harmless, Student Lek Ning, 20, who considers herself a C-cup, said that she found the event hilarious, "After all, I'm rather proud of my assets," she said.
President of the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) Dana Lam labeled the event "demeaning". "I'd laugh at the silliness (of this event) if I didn't know better. Women should think twice before popping themselves in there," she said.
Ms Lam added that the "safety and dignity" of female customers have been disregarded, as they might be "subjecting themselves to molest and harassment".
To ascertain bra size the promotion will allow for one male and one female judge to visually assess bra cup size, "They are not boob experts, and neither are they from a bra company. They are our personal friends who will simply guess-timate as to the women's bra cup sizes," said Ms Ho, "We don't condone touch tests," she said.

America's five best bars for beer lovers

From: http://www.mensfitness.com/
Pub Crawl

Sure, you love your local bar where everybody knows your name and they're glad you came. . . . Yada, yada, yada. You know the rest. But when you're on the road, check out these bars that turn beer drinking into a true art form.

Freakin' Frog
Las Vegas
The drinks are free when you're on the strip—but they're also crappy. Instead, drive a couple of miles over to the Freakin' Frog, a little hole-in-the-wall that serves more than 500 beers. Don't forget to go upstairs to the Whisky Attic to sample its collection of almost as many whiskies.

The Map Room
Chicago
Chicago is a beer-drinking town, and one of the best places to get a pint is the Map Room. Located in the hip Bucktown neighborhood, the bar serves more than 200 brands of beer and has 26 taps. Once a month, it even offers a beer school with classes taught by visiting brewmasters.

Kennedy School's Courtyard Restaurant
Portland, Ore.
The Courtyard Restaurant is old-school. No, really, it's in an old school that's been turned into a restaurant, bar, concert hall, and movie theater. The restaurant is housed in the Kennedy School's former cafeteria and serves pub food and beer made at the onsite brewery. And should your partying get out of hand, you don't even have to go home—just sleep it off in the brewery's adjacent hotel.

Spuyten Duyvil
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Just a few miles east of Manhattan, across the Williamsburg Bridge, lies Hipsterville, aka Williamsburg. In addition to being home to the Brooklyn Brewery, the area boasts one of the country's best beer bars—Spuyten Duyvil. It serves all kinds of rare beers and specializes in brews from Belgium. The selection is so diverse, in fact, that the menu lists available beers by the region of each country they're produced in.

Brickskeller
Washington, D.C.
This Georgetown institution has been serving cheap food—and offering an incredible selection of beers—since 1957. Housed in the Brickskeller Inn, the bar offers an exhaustive list of beers from around the world. How about a cold Zagorka from Bulgaria?

BEST MICRO BREWS
Ready for a change from your standard Coors or Corona? We asked Ray Daniels of the Brewers Association and Julie Bradford of All About Beer magazine to weigh in on some of the best microbreweries currently in operation. Pop open any bottle from these companies, they say, and it's almost impossible to end up disappointed.

• Allagash Brewing Company
• Brooklyn Brewery
• Deschutes Brewery
• Firestone Walker Brewing Company
• New Glarus Brewing Company
• Odell Brewing Company
• Rogue Ales
• Russian River Brewing Company
• Sierra Nevada Brewing Company
• North Coast Brewing Company

The 11 People You'll Meet on 'Blackout Wednesday'

By Blair Koenig
From: http://www.lemondrop.com/

Thanksgiving Eve -- Blackout Wednesday -- is one of the biggest party nights of the year. Once you've arrived home and settled into your old bedroom, reconnected with your MawMaw and listened to your crazy Aunt Phyllis talk about her recent dental work, it's time to hit the bar. Only problem? There's no telling who will be there. Here are 11 blasts from the past you're guaranteed to run into the night before Thanksgiving and how to handle them:




1. The Guy Who Barely Graduated
What to say: You can ask him what he's been up to, what he's currently got going on, and what his future goals are and he'll give you the same answer for all three: chillin'. Pay for your drink and don't forget to tip -- this former classmate is standing behind the bar.

2. The Ex-Boyfriend
What to say: Depends on a few factors. Are you single? Is he single? If the flame's still burning, there's no harm in seeing where the night goes. But if all of his good traits -- nice body, funny wit and irresistible charm -- have since reversed, lying about a nonexistent relationship usually does the trick.

3. The Queen-Bee-Turned-Mommy
What to say: Don't bother reminiscing about crazy times you two shared in high school -- she's long forgotten them. Bringing up the night you stole a street sign after throwing a hotel party at the Days Inn will make you feel uncomfortably old. Ask about her kids (Brayden is 3 and Aynslie will be 2 at the end of next month?! Wow, time flies!) and try not to ask about Baby Daddy, because you never know ...

4. The Guy Who Came Out of the Closet
What to say: Dive into a topic you both enjoy: men. Don't be surprised if you spend the rest of the night discussing Gucci, Broadway musicals and Jon Hamm. You've found a savior!

5. The Guy You Can't Remember
What to say: OK, this can get awkward. You're waiting in line for the bathroom and a totally unfamiliar face says, "NO WAY! How have you been?!?" You're trapped. My advice? Go with it. Never let him know that you in no way remember being lab partners for a day in eighth grade. You'd be amazed at how long you can keep up the act. Before you know it, your turn will be up.

6. The Girl Who Lost a Bunch of Weight
What to say: This girl won't be hard to find since all of the guys who haven't changed a day since graduation are offering to buy her drinks. You wonder how she dropped 100 lbs. in less time it took you to learn how to pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Celebrate with another round, and toast to her on the way back from the bar.

7. The Frat Boy
What to say: Don't accidentally bring up a serious current event. Keep it light. This guy's here to build a beer-can pyramid, not discuss health-care reform. Limit the conversation to football, cover bands or porn. Surely one of these topics interests you?

8. The Girl You Hated Because She Was Dating Your Crush
What to say: It's all water under the bridge unless you overhear her tell someone that you used to be jealous of her (in that case, the fake nails come off!). Have fun and play nice together -- i.e. make fun of the guy you both used to like. Have you seen what he looks like these days? One word: K-Fed.

9. The Geek-Turned-Hottie
What to say: "Well, someone's been playing a lot less 'World of Warcraft'!" It's hard to believe that a pencil-neck dweeb who was once voted Most Likely to Win a Nobel Prize in Physics could grow up to be on the Hottest Guys Under 35 list, but it happens. Chances are this guy's already taken by a high-powered businesswoman, and they travel the world together in luxury. Losers.

10. The Nerd-Turned-Naughty Girl
What to say: She used to skip Friday night house parties for the library, but now she's wearing a low-cut tunic as a dress and has gargantuan (fake) boobs. Ask her how she likes living in L.A., and dance with her to the latest T-Pain. Tip: Do not bother asking about that bioengineering degree. She is a B-movie actress now.

11. Your Friend's Little Brother Who's Suddenly Hot and Single
What to say:: "How old are you again?" Sometimes returning home has its pluses! This former hellion used to drive you crazy, but now he looks like Rob Pattinson. Hey, what happens in your hometown over Thanksgiving stays in your hometown over Thanksgiving. Until someone posts pictures of you guys making out on Facebook.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The 8 People You’ll Meet In Your Hometown Bar This Summer

By Michael Dance

Well, school’s over for the year. You former freshman have moved back in with your parents and secured that summer job and, after the first couple of weeks, have discovered a sad truth: while you’re a college student, summers blow.

You’re working forty hour weeks in menial labor. None of your college buddies are around anymore. Your parents don’t seem to appreciate when you show up at your house drunk at 4 a.m. Your mom still does your laundry, but she’s sharing her car with you, so you have to let her know when you’re going anywhere. You never thought you’d ask this, but: is it September yet?

You call up the ever-dwindling number of people you still talk to from high school and see what they want to do, and at some point, somebody suggests going to the bar — you know, that crap-tastic small town dive bar filled with locals. Sure, why not? When you walk in, here’s what you can expect to find:

1. Former Homecoming Queen/Current Bartender

Right off the bat, you recognize one of the bartenders: she was one of the most popular girls in your graduating class. She recognizes you, too, and though she calls you by the wrong name, she’s happy to tell you her plans for enrolling in the nearby community college and learning Spanish. Then another song comes on, and she and the other bartender climb on top of the bar and do an awkward, theoretically arousing dance like two Coyote Ugly rejects.

2. The Regular

This is a kid from high school whom you’ve completely forgotten about, and might not have even recognized if your friend hadn’t nudged you and pointed him out. He’s at the end of the bar, talking idly with the owner. You don’t think much of it until later visits to the bar, when you see him in exactly the same spot, doing exactly the same thing, and never, ever moving.

3. The Middle-Aged Couple

Man, are these folks having a good time. Since it’s summer, the bar is filled with more college students than normal, making the two forty-five-year-olds stick out like sore thumbs. But they seem slightly too tipsy to know or care. Instead, they’re rocking out to the Bruce Springsteen song that’s playing, and no, they’re not good dancers. You don’t know whether to be happy for them or throw up in your mouth a little.

4. The Guy You Used to Hate

You have history with this guy. It’s no secret you both hated each other in high school. Maybe he was even a middle-school bully. Tonight, he’s clearly trashed, and treats you as though you’re his long-lost, presumed-dead brother. He comes out of nowhere to give you a hug, asks you about college, and even buys you a drink. You still secretly hate him, especially because he obviously forgot about this old grudge and you haven’t, but hey: free drink.

5. The Popular/Trashy Girl

The clique of popular girls from high school all walk into the bar together: they’re still friends and still live in town. Unfortunately, an extra year of smoking nonstop has not been kind: they’re not nearly as attractive as you remember. Some go up to chat with the bartender to see when she gets off so they can hang out; one of them spots you and says hi. This is a girl who wouldn’t give you the time of day in high school, and now it occurs to you that you have at least a reasonable chance of sleeping with her this summer — and even though she’s uglier now, that would be rather cool.

6. The Friends You Actually Came in With

These are easy to pinpoint: one will downright hate seeing all the people from high school, complain about it the entire night, and never talk to anybody outside your own group. One will barely even notice the people — he’ll be far more interested in consuming the large amount of alcohol he’s gotten used to drinking four nights a week in college. And one will have a bizarre, unexplained amount of knowledge about what everyone’s been doing for the past year. “That’s Meghan Conroy, from two grades ahead of us, remember? Yeah, I hear her dad just got cancer and she’s working at Pottery Barn.”

7. The Old Guy

A staple not just of your hometown bar, but every bar everywhere. Late in the night you’ll go up to grab another drink, and this drunk guy who’s pushing sixty will turn to you and mumble something about “these teasing sluts.” You chuckle politely, say “Yeah,” and wonder why the PBR is taking so long.

8. The College Girl Who Unfortunately is Now Better than You Are

In high school, this girl wasn’t that attractive and was always one of the brainy kids you either ignored or made fun of. Now she’s in the same boat as you — home from college and bored. When you go up to chat, you realize that she’s grown into herself, and as she starts talking about how fun her school is and how many extracurricular activities she’s doing, it hits you: unlike these other schmucks, she’s more successful than you are. What the hell is that all about? You politely excuse yourself from the conversation and go back to talking to people you can safely look down your nose at.