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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The 11 People You'll Meet on 'Blackout Wednesday'

By Blair Koenig

anti thanksgiving cakeThanksgiving Eve -- Blackout Wednesday -- is one of the biggest party nights of the year. Once you've arrived home and settled into your old bedroom, reconnected with your MawMaw and listened to your crazy Aunt Phyllis talk about her recent dental work, it's time to hit the bar. Only problem? There's no telling who will be there. Here are 11 blasts from the past you're guaranteed to run into the night before Thanksgiving and how to handle them:

1. The Guy Who Barely Graduated

What to say: You can ask him what he's been up to, what he's currently got going on, and what his future goals are and he'll give you the same answer for all three: chillin'. Pay for your drink and don't forget to tip -- this former classmate is standing behind the bar.

2. The Ex-Boyfriend
What to say: Depends on a few factors. Are you single? Is he single? If the flame's still burning, there's no harm in seeing where the night goes. But if all of his good traits -- nice body, funny wit and irresistible charm -- have since reversed, lying about a nonexistent relationship usually does the trick.

3. The Queen-Bee-Turned-Mommy
What to say: Don't bother reminiscing about crazy times you two shared in high school -- she's long forgotten them. Bringing up the night you stole a street sign after throwing a hotel party at the Days Inn will make you feel uncomfortably old. Ask about her kids (Brayden is 3 and Aynslie will be 2 at the end of next month?! Wow, time flies!) and try not to ask about Baby Daddy, because you never know ...

4. The Guy Who Came Out of the Closetalcohol
What to say: Dive into a topic you both enjoy: men. Don't be surprised if you spend the rest of the night discussing Gucci, Broadway musicals and Jon Hamm. You've found a savior!

5. The Guy You Can't Remember
What to say: OK, this can get awkward. You're waiting in line for the bathroom and a totally unfamiliar face says, "NO WAY! How have you been?!?" You're trapped. My advice? Go with it. Never let him know that you in no way remember being lab partners for a day in eighth grade. You'd be amazed at how long you can keep up the act. Before you know it, your turn will be up.

6. The Girl Who Lost a Bunch of Weight
What to say: This girl won't be hard to find since all of the guys who haven't changed a day since graduation are offering to buy her drinks. You wonder how she dropped 100 lbs. in less time it took you to learn how to pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Celebrate with another round, and toast to her on the way back from the bar.

7. The Frat Boy
What to say: Don't accidentally bring up a serious current event. Keep it light. This guy's here to build a beer-can pyramid, not discuss health-care reform. Limit the conversation to football, cover bands or porn. Surely one of these topics interests you?

8. The Girl You Hated Because She Was Dating Your Crush
What to say: It's all water under the bridge unless you overhear her tell someone that you used to be jealous of her (in that case, the fake nails come off!). Have fun and play nice together -- i.e. make fun of the guy you both used to like. Have you seen what he looks like these days? One word: K-Fed.

9. The Geek-Turned-Hottie
What to say: "Well, someone's been playing a lot less 'World of Warcraft'!" It's hard to believe that a pencil-neck dweeb who was once voted Most Likely to Win a Nobel Prize in Physics could grow up to be on the Hottest Guys Under 35 list, but it happens. Chances are this guy's already taken by a high-powered businesswoman, and they travel the world together in luxury. Losers.

10. The Nerd-Turned-Naughty Girl
What to say: She used to skip Friday night house parties for the library, but now she's wearing a low-cut tunic as a dress and has gargantuan (fake) boobs. Ask her how she likes living in L.A., and dance with her to the latest T-Pain. Tip: Do not bother asking about that bioengineering degree. She is a B-movie actress now.

11. Your Friend's Little Brother Who's Suddenly Hot and Single
What to say:: "How old are you again?" Sometimes returning home has its pluses! This former hellion used to drive you crazy, but now he looks like Rob Pattinson. Hey, what happens in your hometown over Thanksgiving stays in your hometown over Thanksgiving. Until someone posts pictures of you guys making out on Facebook.

Happy Thanksgiving!