Charlie Sheen Has Angered A Society of Warlocks

article written by: Andy Green
From: http://www.forkparty.com/

So, just when you think your brain couldn’t possible force in any more glorious Charlie Sheen winning, the internet goddess shines upon those of us who really don’t have much to do and from her tantalizing nether-regions squeezes out a golden game-changing egg filled with awesome like this.Charlie Sheen’s comparison of himself to the warlock community has set off a fiery seed within these harbinger’s of might and magic. Nay, shall they tolerate the insolence of someone who does not understand what it is to control the cosmos that goes around saying things that make “REAL” warlocks look silly!

A group of obviously unemployed mystics of the craft from Salem, Massachusetts performed a ceremony in which they “intervened” in Charlie’s use of the term “Warlock.”

Well, little do they know..that Charlie Sheen is not only a real warlock… he is one of the mightiest warlocks in the galaxy. Fueled by enough cocaine tiger’s blood to obliterate three solar systems.

Charlie Sheen continues his centuries long march across the sands of time to fulfill the curse placed upon his head by some mightier warlock…probably Gary Busey. This curse that sentenced Charlie to an insatiable zombie-like desire to bang as many prostitutes as possible while on the search for the ultimate state of mind.

So Salem warlocks/virgins, in the words of Iron Maiden — RUN TO THE HILLS… RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! You have tried to impose your will on the face of the almighty Sheen… and he proclaims with an echo through the mountains and a crash of lightning through the sky — “IT’S ON!”

Guillermo Del Toro Dances With Roald Dahl's Witches

By Meredith Woerner,

Now, here's an idea that will give me nightmares for years: Guillermo Del Toro is going to direct the stop-motion feature adaptation of Roald Dahl's fantastic novel The Witches, where a small boy gets trapped in a hotel while the annual convention of witches is taking place.

The brilliant Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men), was the original front runner for the director spot. But Cuaron told Empire Magazine he's stepped up to produce the feature, and Del Toro is now the director. Apparently the two started chatting about adapting about Dahl's story "Uncle Oswald" when they got on the subject of The Witches.

"The pair were discussing the potential of adapting the much naughtier Dahl story Uncle Oswald, when the conversation turned to The Witches. Cuaron told us: 'Guillermo wrote this amazing screenplay really quickly."

Well, of course he did. I can't imagine that Del Toro has even one foot in the realm of reality, which is why he can probably churn this stuff out so fast, and so well. While I'm nervous that GDT is now currently directing everything I have some sort of personal interest in, I'm not terribly nervous. It's going to be stop motion, which means it will take 10 years to make anyways if they're going to create a world of witchy creatures to stand up to the likes of Del Toro's mind. Plus, his initials are practically GTD.

I'm glad they're not going down the live-action route out of respect to Nicolas Roeg's amazing live adaptation, but I have a terrible feeling these bald scratchy scalp witches will also leave me shaking under the dining room table.