Charlie Sheen Has Angered A Society of Warlocks

article written by: Andy Green
From: http://www.forkparty.com/

So, just when you think your brain couldn’t possible force in any more glorious Charlie Sheen winning, the internet goddess shines upon those of us who really don’t have much to do and from her tantalizing nether-regions squeezes out a golden game-changing egg filled with awesome like this.Charlie Sheen’s comparison of himself to the warlock community has set off a fiery seed within these harbinger’s of might and magic. Nay, shall they tolerate the insolence of someone who does not understand what it is to control the cosmos that goes around saying things that make “REAL” warlocks look silly!

A group of obviously unemployed mystics of the craft from Salem, Massachusetts performed a ceremony in which they “intervened” in Charlie’s use of the term “Warlock.”

Well, little do they know..that Charlie Sheen is not only a real warlock… he is one of the mightiest warlocks in the galaxy. Fueled by enough cocaine tiger’s blood to obliterate three solar systems.

Charlie Sheen continues his centuries long march across the sands of time to fulfill the curse placed upon his head by some mightier warlock…probably Gary Busey. This curse that sentenced Charlie to an insatiable zombie-like desire to bang as many prostitutes as possible while on the search for the ultimate state of mind.

So Salem warlocks/virgins, in the words of Iron Maiden — RUN TO THE HILLS… RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! You have tried to impose your will on the face of the almighty Sheen… and he proclaims with an echo through the mountains and a crash of lightning through the sky — “IT’S ON!”

Obama Speechwriter Dating White House's Maxim Babe

By Ryan Tate

Sorry, ladies: We're told Jon Favreau, Barack Obama's 27-year-old single speechwriter, now has a girlfriend. With ample clearance.

Favreau used to have trouble convincing potential dates he actually had gainful employment, with Barack Obama. They just didn't believe him, and wouldn't give the poor kid the time of day out on the lonely campaign trail. Now that the former Kerry staffer is on the inside, in the Obama White House, he'll "get laid as often as he wants," as former Time columnist Ana Marie Cox put it.

Indeed, Favreau's apparent deletion of his Facebook account last week is believed (by, um, us) to have broken many a young-lady heart. How will they "friend" Favreau now? Maybe by moving to DC and hoping to meet the kid at bars and coffee shops?

Good luck with that: Favreau has a sweetheart on the inside. A tipster tells us he's seeing Ali Campoverdi, a White House aide who once appeared in her underwear in Maxim magazine.

Some pics or Campoverdi follow below, two of which we found in former Huffington Post blogger Rachel Sklar's set of inauguration pics on Flickr, and one of which appeared as part of Campoverdi's very, uh, thought-provoking spread in Maxim (thanks to commenter Uncle_Billy_Slumming for the pointer!).

We're told Campoverdi is an assistant to a White House deputy chief of staff. Previously, she was an intern on the presidential campaign. If you have any further information we'd love to hear from you. (If Campoverdi is going to be around for a while, we might just have to add her to our list of official White House hotties.)

(UPDATES: We added Campoverdi's background and Maxim spread. Thanks for the tips.)

(First two photos by Rachel Sklar). Last via Maxim.