Zazzle Shop

Screen printing

Wednesday, October 27, 2010 What Texans Will Do For Five Bucks


For sale, cheap: Critiques of your dating profile
Hair Balls has five bucks burning a hole in our pocket, and we're thinking about spending it on a postcard from a Houston-based model no one's ever heard of. Or possibly a Texas State Fair award-winning pecan pie recipe.

The problem is, there are just so many awesome things we can get for a five-spot on, a website where people offer random/borderline sociopathic services, and we need your help making the right choice. Here are five things Texans will do for $5. We don't know how to feel about this.

1) This woman from Houston will "like any facebook page, follow any twitter account, and subscribe to any youtube channel." If NAMBLA has any social media presence, we're totally taking her up on this.

2) Melany will talk to us "over Skype for 10 minutes." Topics include, but are not limited to, "fashion advice, hair styling, makeup, boyfriend/girlfriend advice, school issues, bullies, etc." Given Melany's apparent young age, we don't know how far to go with the joke possibilities without popping up on some FBI radar, so we're going to leave this one alone.

3) This dude will "post your band sticker on the most popular street in austin texas, s. congress." We were going to go with this right away until we remembered that we weren't douchebags.

4) This woman, who is licensed to practice law in Texas, "will send you a photo of the world's cutest dog, my Scottie glen, with your choice of pose and personalixed message, and all proceeds go to local animal rescues...." She had us at "your choice of pose." But since she also provides a service whereby she'll critique your online dating profile and pic "with brutal honesty," we'd like to get all meta and use the pic of her and her dog as our profile pic, thus making her critque her own picture, and her own dog. That shit's deep.

5) Of course, we've always dreamed of having a message carved into a tree behind a complete stranger's house, so you can imagine our near heart attack when we came upon maliciousdelano's offer: "Send me your name and whatever message you want carved into a tree behind my house."

We were also intrigued that maliciousdelano's 8-year-old son "wants to try his hand at selling online also!" He'll paint you a picture of anything for $5. But based on the samples his mother has posted, the lad has no sense of advancing and receding colors, atmospheric perspective, negative space, or, for that matter, basic perspective: in a truly haunting portrait of what appears to be a deranged man in blue coveralls and wizard hat and his dog on a boat, moments before they're devoured by a phalanx of headless, multi-colored sea-birds whose terrifying wingspans nearly blot out the entire sky, the man's hand is practically as large as his head. What the fuck, Michael? That's worth a buck-fifty at the most. But if we give you $5, will you promise not to blow it on Legos like you say, but to invest in art school instead?

Let us know if you find any other good offers, 'cause the holidays are right around the corner, and we've got a ton of gifts to buy.