The Wonderful World of Prison Inventions

Someone once said that necessity is the mother of all invention. Prison is one of the few places where very few common wants and needs are fulfilled; resources are incredibly limited and ardently regulated. Prisoners, who are not content to only posses what "the man" tells them they can have, are forced to use their critical thinking skills (prison-genuity, anyone?) to craft what can be some very MacGyver type shit. As many of us know from experience, situations in prison sometimes call for something a little more intimidating than a whittled down toothbrush shiv, or a sharpened spoon. The following is a tribute to those not satisfied with the standard prison accommodations - we have The Wonderful World of Prison Inventions:

Basic Needs

Cigarette Lighter

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With cigarettes being the go-to currency of choice for prisoners (at least the movies would have you believe this), there wouldn't be much use for a smokable commodity if there was no way to light it. Prisoners are forbidden from having lighters and matches for obvious reasons, so some clever inmates have devised a way around the rules. This example of a lighter is a simple yet intelligent design, a AA battery is wrapped in duct tape with a wire strapped to the negative end. Simplly touch the other side of the wire to the positive end and the metal coil in the center of the wire heats up.

Tattoo Gun

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While your in prison, why not get a tattoo to commemorate " the time of your life", and there's also no better way of showing your commitment to what ever gang you choose to join while in the clink. The basic design uses any form of battery to power a small motor, which in turn pushes a needle in and out of a pen to give inmates authentic jailhouse tats. Sadly choice of colors is usually limited to whatever Bic's they have on hand and are typically blue or black. Beggars (Neo-Nazi's included) can't be choosers though.

Pipe

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Just because you got thrown in the slammer doesn't mean you might not get the occasional chance to enjoy some weed. Stoners, who are notorious for being able to shape a pipe out of anything litterally, occasionaly get locked up and are forced to use their skills on the inside. The above example is fashioned out of a tube of German horseradish and has a great design, not only because it functions well, but for the fact that it is very incognito in case of the occasional room toss. At a quick glance its really just looks like an ordinary tube of something. Genius, pure genius.

Weaponry

Hidden Shiv

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The sodomite, who thought he'd take advantage when he saw his roomate bent over kneeling in prayer, probably got a big surprise when this crucifix magically transformed into a very mean looking stabbing weapon.

Razor Comb

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Its hard to see in this picture, but there are three razor blades attached by copper wire and a shoelace, to this "unbreakable" plastic comb. This is the type of weapon to use for minor altercations such as Scrabble areguments, or getting that "creepy fucker" out of your favorite chair, but wouldn't be all that effective in a full blown shower fight. Truly a weapon for your day-to-day type needs.

Rash Knuckles

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This variation on brass knuckles works incredibly well for cutting faces and smashing motherfucking jaws, or, if your a fancy-pants, for adding a little fresh grated parmesan (Gene!) to the typically bland prison gourmet.

Whip/Cat-o-nine tails

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Nothing says foreplay like a few lashes from this bad boy. This invention works well because of it's lengthy reach and compact design, and is probably more of an intimidation tool rather than a lethal weapon. After all if someone approached you with a electrical taped shard of glass and you pull this out, they'll at least think twice before charging in.

Dummy Gun

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A dummy gun made to look exceptionally real works well for prison escapes because you can use it to take a hostage and at a distance it looks very much like the real thing. As long as whoever you are using this on thinks the gun is real it serves a funtional purpose.

Zip Gun

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A zip gun is a homemade gun that can either has a pin to fire real bullets, or like this one, to fire everyday projectiles. Strike anywhere match heads, or other combustibles, can be used as a charge to fling nuts, bolts, or rocks at lethal or near lethal speeds.

4 Barreled Zip Gun

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This is a variation on the zip gun that really shows complex, well thought out design. There are four barrels all loaded with a projectile, the end of the gun operates on a swivel that brings each barrel around to the firing pin, creating essentially a semi-automatic weapon. After all, doesn't everyone remember the old saying, "In the land of the shiv, the man with the 4 chambered zip gun is king"

Advanced Engineering

Alcohol Still Heating Coil

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The razorblades on the end of this modified extension cord act as a heater to be used for making alcoholic beverages. Just smuggle some fruit or other fermentable food back to the cell, drop in the heating coil, and voila! you have your own moonshine/whiskey still. This gets bonus points for also doubling as a weapon if someone tries to steal the fruits of your hard labor.

Salt & Pepper Shaker

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In prison, inmates have to go without even the most basic comforts such as a salt and pepper shaker. Poor guys, right? Well not for long... This advanced design shows thats some prisoners ("pussies", we call them on the outside) make items for everyday use, just to make them feel a little more normal - as opposed to only making weapons meant to kill fools who get caught steppin'.

Toaster/Heating Grill

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This is a grill that could be used for preparing food, and is fashioned from wire, tin foil, and a busted heating rod. Although it does show a great measure of ingenuity, the failure of the design is that it is rather large and easily confiscated by over zealous wardens who don't want anyone to have any fun.

Muff Bag

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Probably the biggest complaint and hardship for any prisoner is the lack of voluntary coitus to something that is or resembles a vagine, and if your doing a lifetime bid in the joint, even masturbation gets a bit dull after a while. More industrious prisoners have fashioned makeshift sex dolls, called "muffbags", to help cope with their carnal desires. It is simply a blanket, rolled tightly with some platic wrap complemented by some baby oil to lube it up. Sounds great, but i have to mention that the sex doll does bear an unmistakable like to an ass. Even in prison with a home made sex doll you cant get away from the anal sex stereotype. C'est la vie...