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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

7 Things I Learned Working on a Pot Farm

For the stoner sect, working on a pot farm must seem like the equivalent of a fat person winning one of those contests where they get to stuff their shopping cart with as much food as they can in one minute. But I–your faithful blogger—have actually worked on a pot farmer in Mendocino County (part of the Emerald Triangle) and the fantasy isn’t always the same as the reality. So here are 7 truths and fictions about working on a pot farm:

There is a shitload of weed on a farm: TRUE!
You better believe it. Bushels and bushels of freshly trimmed weed stacked to the ceiling, with exotic names as Trainwreck and Purple Indica.

The local police are always ready to bust a pot farm. FALSE!
In Mendocino the local police aren’t concerned about the weed that is grown in the area. If they busted all the farms, that would crash the local economy. What they are more worried about is robbery. Gangs from L.A. have come to this area armed with AK47s to rob farms of their weed because it’s so profitable and abundant.

It’s easy to find a pot farm to work on in San Francisco. FALSE!
I had one pot farm scheduled to work on and the night before leaving I got an email that the DEA swooped down and took all their plants. Other times people were really flaky on when I should be going up (”Oh, dude? Was that today!?”)

When eating is involved on a pot farm, it gets very quiet. TRUE!
As much food production (sandwiches, etc) goes on as weed production, followed by moments when all you hear is chewing.

It’s fun to trim weed. FALSE!
Trimming weed is one of the most monotonous tasks known to humanity. All day long you sit shaping buds over a garbage bag with a pair of scissors and rubber glove on your hand. If this were perfectly legal I’m sure this job would pay $7.50 an hour. Instead, trimmers are paid $100 per each pound of weed they trim.

People who work on pot farms really, really, really like pot. TRUE!
It couldn’t be more ideal. They can trim weed and smoke it ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Not only that, but they can do so while listening to hippie music ABOUT weed and centering ALL conversation - like wine snobs - around, well, weed.

There’s nothing scary about a pot farm. FALSE!
You have that combustible mixture of paranoia and fear of being robbed while stuck in the middle of a wooded nowhere. Late at night every little noise can trigger the fear that the gangs from L.A. have arrived to rob the place at gunpoint, or the DEA has swooped down to bust everyone in sight. Yay, weed!