The 6 Most Badass Skills You Can Learn in Under a Week

By Ryan Oskroba
From: http://www.cracked.com/

199Share How many times have you watched an action movie and thought to yourself "Man, it must take years of training to be able to pull that off?" Real life police officers, soldiers, and spies have to undergo rigorous training before they get to pilot submarines and shoot people, right? As it turns out, that's... entirely true. Being a real-life James Bond would take a lifetime of learning and practice. But as it also turns out, there are classes you could take this year that could get you half-way to James Bondhood, many of them taking a week or less of your precious, movie-watching time. #6. Rick Seaman Stunt Driving School If there's one thing that has become synonymous with James Bond through the years, it's blatant misogyny. A close second, though, would have to be the tragic destruction of fantastically expensive automobiles. In just one afternoon of filming Casino Royale, three stunningly beautiful, brand new Aston Martin DBS's were wrecked, just to film one measly stunt sequence that lasted mere seconds on screen. To put this in perspective, a single Aston Martin costs, at minimum, around four-hundred grand, a figure colloquially known as "more money than you will ever have, ever." Luckily for us common folk, you can perform crazy stunts in any car, not just laughably expensive luxury sedans. And, with the proper training, you don't even have to total them to do it! But really, if you're not keeping the car, why wouldn't you? The Coursework: That proper training is provided at the Rick Seaman Stunt Driving School. Over the three day course, you'll learn everything from Tokyo drifting to speeding backwards through an obstacle course, skills that will prove invaluable if you ever find yourself Tokyo drifting or speeding backwards through an obstacle course. The class even advertises its ability to teach spinning and sliding either 90, 180, 270 or 360 degrees. Anyone wishing to swerve around in non-quarter-turn intervals is shit out of luck--but if that was your goal, you're probably just a show-off asshole anyway and we hope you never get to take this course. In addition to the standard two-part stunt driving classes, there is also mention of a special course, called "Anti-Terrorist/VIP Protection," whose very existence is so top-secret that it had to be hidden by placing it slightly further down the page. The exact details in the curriculum are notably left out of the website, likely to keep these undoubtedly hardcore techniques from falling into the wrong hands. The wrong hands, in this case, being defined as "hands that do not contain the several thousand dollars that this course costs." #5. Advanced Surveillance Every once in a while, spies have to take some time off from murdering and/or sleeping with all kinds of exotic strange to, you know, get some actual spying done. But how do they learn how to use all of that complex spy gadgetry? And more importantly, how can YOU, the consumer, learn how to set up such equipment for purposes that are only tangentially related to watching your hot neighbor undress? By taking the "Surveillance Advanced" course at Intelligent Training International Limited. The Coursework: The lectures are divided into seven days; one for introduction, one for a final exam, one for closing thoughts and the rest is to teach different ways for surreptitiously observing people who really don't want to be observed. Interestingly enough, each day of borderline-stalker techniques is split up in to two topics: The first is an overview of the material (from your basic "Eavesdropping" through the more complicated "Covert Video Surveillance" to the downright-terrifying "Telephone Interception"), while the second is how each fits in to the local British legal system. Now, we here at Cracked are far from experts in UK law (or any kind of law, really... or even basic civics), but unless 1984 was actually a documentary, laws regarding secretly spying on your unwilling countrymen couldn't possibly be that complicated. At the very least, the phrase "don't fucking spy on people, bloke" has to be in the law somewhere, right? Nope. Oh, and they also offer a course called "Counter-Espionage", presumably aimed both at people who have found out that their friends and co-workers have taken "Advanced Surveillance" and former "Advanced Surveillance" students who have hidden their bugs so well that they can no longer find them. #4. Lock picking School (In A Box!) In The World Is Not Enough, Bond had a secret lock pick built in to a credit card. Despite this amounting to what would have to be the most unwieldy lock pick device in history, you can still find replicas of it on the Internet. Of course, if you're in a career that involves picking locks, you probably don't want your identity getting out. Luckily, there is a course that lets you learn to pick a lock from the comfort of your own home dressed in the comfort of your own stained boxers, which is probably what you're going to be wearing when you try to drunkenly pick the lock at the Playboy Mansion anyway. The Coursework: The Lock Picking School (In A Box!) is more or less exactly what it sounds like: a series of locks, placed in to some kind of shipping container, then mailed to your door. You then use the included basic set of lock picks, or your own personal set, to whittle them open, starting with simple, one-pin locks all the way up to a standard five-pin lock. You know, the kind of lock on your front door. The one that you count on to keep you safe at night. What's that you say? You don't have any lock picks? That's cool, you can buy those, too! That's right, despite the fact that these picks are built with one and only one purpose (namely, to pick locks, although they would probably make decent shanks in a pinch also), the possession of picks and wrenches is legal in most places, especially if you can prove you're not planning on stealing anything with them. Go ahead, check that link if you don't believe us. Yeah, that's Wikipedia, homes. Wikipedia ain't never lied.

#3. Become a Human Lie Detector Any secret agent worth his hidden cyanide pills is going to have to be prepared for intense negotiations. Whether you've captured a deadly SPECTRE double-agent working as an MI6 janitor, or are just buying a used car, you've got to be able to tell when the enemy is lying through his teeth to you, and how to best disguise the fact that you're lying through your teeth at the same time. Also you can be like that guy in Lie to Me, for the few of you who watch that show. The Coursework: This particular double-oh technique has been cleverly disguised as a business management lecture lasting only a few hours, steeped in the psychology of human information processing and body language. With it, the course website claims, you'll be able to tell when a salesmen is lying to you (hint: it's always), your employees are lying to you (also always) and even when your own children are stretching the truth (again, always). Liar!! Then you can watch as paranoia creeps in from the corners of your mind, slowly replacing lesser human emotions like "trust" and "compassion." Become like the masters, believing no one and slowly losing any connection you have to humanity as you realize the innocent gestures of everyone around you are shrouded in half-truths and outright falsehoods, a crippling realization that will plummet you into an endless cycle of despair and alcoholism. Your mother tells you she loves you... and you see the lie in her eyes. Interesting to note is that at no point does the literature ever mention the moral ramifications of studying, in depth, the physical and conversational gestures that give away lying behavior, and how studying them in this way by definition gives the student an easy way to cover up their own falsehoods in order to advance their own agenda. Happy schooling, you shady bastards! #2. Stiletto Spy School We admit we sometimes neglect the ladies in our articles, and just because you lack James Bond's genitals doesn't mean you can't live the life of a super spy. In fact, there is a class just for you... The Coursework: The Stiletto Spy School is an all-in-one anti-terrorism class designed especially for females with extra helpings of "kick-ass" and "hell yes" far beyond anything seen thus far. It is exactly what Sex and the Citywould look like if directed by Michael Bay, compressed into a four-day class and somehow made precisely as awesome as its components are shitty. What's so special about this school is that, when it comes to being a super secret agent, every base is covered. Need to fit in at a classy dinner thrown by an unscrupulous warlord? You'll spend plenty of time studying "Etiquette," "Wine Pairing" and "Martini Mixology." What about making contacts among shady folks at an underground speakeasy? Classes in poker skills and pool should give you an edge. Locked in a Turkish prison with only a bit of string and a paperclip? Learn how to use MacGyver skills to save the free world. And no, that's not some kind of exaggeration: There is literally an entire section called "MacGyver Skills." Yes, that sentence just happened, and it makes every single year of your normal education seem worthless in comparison. Certainly no class in spying would be complete without teaching you how to bring down epic quantities of sheer, terrifying violence on your enemies, and holy hell does this one deliver: What starts with simple, conceptual "Threat Elimination" leads quickly to classes in "Hand-to-Hand Combat," "Knife Fighting," "Extreme Firepower" and either "Samurai Sword Training" or "Swat Team Training" depending on which state you take the class in. We assume this is what Florida's combat training is like. By the end of this training, any woman will have a hundred better ways to shoot down Creepy Dave from Accounting than awkward silence and made-up prior engagements. And, of course, no gathering of several women would be complete without mandatory "Salon Time," proving that some things will apparently never change no matter how many coins are emblazoned with the likeness of Susan B. Anthony. Coins are stupid. If our overwhelmingly male readership is feeling left out at this point, fret not: The fine folks running the Stiletto School have deemed it fit to host similar training sessions for men. These male oriented classes are mostly the same, with the addition of the highly-phallocentric "Cigar Tasting" but the notable absence of "Seduction and Flirtation," which is, sadly, only available to women. But you didn't need that class anyway. Right, stud? #1. Urban Escape and Evasion If you're the kind of person who used this article as a checklist for life skills, then you're going to have to come to grips with the fact that someday, the law will hunt you down. Whether it's because you picked the lock to the Department of Defense headquarters using only lipstick and tampons, or just killed some dudes with a poison dart for lying about bugging your office, by this point your spy chops will be well beyond what is legally defined as "allowably huge." When that happens, you best be prepared to run and melt away into the vast urban jungle, or, if you weren't fast enough, escape from captivity to the souped-up Honda that you will inevitably use to Tokyo drift your way to freedom. When that time comes, On Point Tactical can help. The Coursework: Over the course of two days, you'll learn about everything from forging papers to picking locks to "escaping unlawful custody." It's fascinating how many felonies a person can get away with learning by promising to only use them against terrorists. The final exam for the course is like most final exams, in that it will cover the material learned, make most people nauseous and be at an ungodly hour in the morning. "Stay awake, dammit! Focus!" It is unlike most final exams in that you are stuffed in a shroud, handcuffed, tossed in the trunk of a car and abandoned on one end of a city, all the while forced on a scavenger hunt around town while bounty hunters are unleashed to track you down. Go ahead, read that sentence again. We did the math: It is not possible to put any number of words together in any language and have it come out more staggeringly awesome than that. Congratulations. You are now Rambo. All this... for the basic version of the course. There's a more advanced session, for those who have completed the first. This advanced session should come in handy for those times when you find yourself needing to overthrow a brutal dictator while traveling on a bus that can't dip below 50-mph lest it explode all while you have live bomb strapped to your neck set to detonate in 45 minutes. You never know, that shit could happen.

Spectacular Spectrums: 10 Amazing Rainbows

By Steve


Gloriously hued and ephemeral in nature, rainbows are one of the most beautiful sights the skies have to offer. They come in a wide variety of shapes, styles, sizes and yes, even colors. These ten amazing arcs show what happens when Mother Nature gets out her paintbox.

Classic Rainbows

(image via: Rock The Seesaw)

Most everyone has seen a classic, garden-variety rainbow – sometimes in their gardens while watering their plants with a misting spray.

(images via: A Womens Circle and Hawaii Pictures)

Natural rainbows are made up of 6 colors: red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet. The intensity of each color may vary due to atmospheric conditions and the time of day (more on that later).

Circular Rainbows

(images via: Dot Photo and Getty Images)

The rainbows most of see are actually arcs of perfect circles (with radii of exactly 42 degrees, according to Descartes), though viewing a complete rainbow is difficult as the ground has a habit of getting in the way.

(image via: Neatorama)

The advent of powered flight and aerial photography has enabled the magnificence of circular rainbows to be revealed to an awestruck public. Of course, if an airplane isn’t available a really high mountain will do.

Secondary Rainbows

(images via: Little Dreamers Daycare, Grzegorz Blachuta/TrekEarth and Royer Oaks Observatory)

Primary rainbows are often accompanied by secondary rainbows that are usually thinner and dimmer than the main rainbow. Here’s a bit of trivia that may come in handy at parties or around the water cooler: the area between primary and secondary rainbows that appears darker than the surrounding sky is called “Alexander’s Band”.

(image via: CuriousLee)

Secondary rainbows are remarkable for one particular characteristic: they display the spectrum in reverse order from that of a primary rainbow. It’s not something most people are familiar with, as is seen in the photoshop rendering above. Though sketched from the artist’s memory of an actual event, the repeated structure of both rainbows shows that it’s not an accurate portrayal.

Red Rainbows

(images via: Mark Kilner, Unexplained Mysteries and Earth Science)

Red rainbows are usually seen at sunrise or sunset when the thickness of the earth’s atmosphere filters out blue light leaving more red or orange light for water droplets to reflect and refract. The result is a rainbow with the more reddish end of the spectrum greatly enhanced.

Sundogs

(images via: The Weather Doctor, Kan Ahaw and W7ftt)

Sundogs are not rainbows per se, but share many of their visible attributes. Most commonly seen low in the sky on a bright winter’s day, sundogs are created when sunlight shines through ice crystals high in the atmosphere. Sundogs are red on the inside and violet on the outside with the rest of the spectrum crammed in between. The thicker the concentration of ice crystals in the air, the more defined the structure of a sundog and its associated arcs becomes.

(image via: G.Dargaud)

Moonlight can be acted on by ice crystals to form – you guessed it – “moondogs”. The image above was taken in Antarctica where, due to frigid air temperatures and blowing snow, sundogs and moondogs are extremely common.

Fogbows

(image via: WWU Planetarium)

Fogbows are much rarer than rainbows because certain narrow parameters must align to create them. For one, the light source must be behind the observer and low to the ground. Also, any fog to the rear of the observer must be very thin so that sunlight can shine through to the thicker fog in front.

(images via: Extreme Instability, Space Weather and STOLspeed)

Many fogbows display paler colors compared to rainbows and some are mainly white. This is due to the fog being composed of exceedingly fine water droplets.

Waterfall Rainbows

(images via: Environmental Graffiti and Canada Photos)

Waterfalls kick a constant stream of mist into the air and the atmospheric saturation goes on constantly, regardless of the weather. This makes waterfalls excellent photographic companions to rainbows! The above selection of images pairs some of the world’s most famous waterfalls with some equally stunning rainbows.

(image via: Schools Wikipedia)

A variation of waterfall rainbows are “spray bows”, formed on sunny days when wind kicks up ocean or lake waves and the air becomes saturated with mist and moisture.

Fire Rainbows

(images via: ABC3340weather, Sujathafan and Crystalinks)

Fire rainbows are not actually rainbows and have no connection with fires. The true name for this exquisitely beautiful optical effect is “circumhorizontal arc”.

(image via: Opacity)

The phenomenon can only be viewed under certain precise conditions: the cirrus clouds that act as prisms must be at least 20,000 feet high and the sun must strike them when it is at an elevation of 58 to 68 degrees. Fire rainbows are never seen at locations situated more than 55 degrees north or south.

Moonbows

(images via: COLOURlovers)

Moonbows, like moondogs, are the lunar counterpart to rainbows. They’re also much more difficult to witness due to the requirement of a passing rainstorm and, ideally, a bright full moon unblocked by clouds.

(image via: Night Sky Hunter)

In the spectacular image above, the photographer used a 30-second exposure at 4:34am in the morning, the moon being nearly full. The bright star under the moonbow is the orange supergiant Arcturus.

Unearthly Rainbows

(image via: Utah Skies)

Are rainbows strictly a terrestrial phenomenon? No reason why they should be – the laws of physics (and optics) are universal after all. So far, however, the only off-earth rainbows we’ve glimpsed have come as the result of wishful thinking or through the visionary illustrations of science fiction artists. Pity… wouldn’t it be cool if the Bay of Rainbows on the Moon (above, top of image) actually had rainbows?

(image via: NASA)

A rainbow on Saturn? Not quite – what appears to be a rainbow on the brightest part of Saturn’s magnificent rings is merely an “artifact” of the Cassini spacecraft’s imaging system.

(image via: Celestial Matters)

There is one place in the vicinity of Saturn where rainbows of the classic variety may be found, however, and that is on it’s largest moon, Titan. Observations have confirmed the existence of liquid in the form of methane rain and lakes on the cloudy, chilly moon though a methane rainbow might look a little different than the ones we know here on Earth. Someday, someone will be the first to see one!

(image via: Kansasphoto)

Truly rainbows have earned their reputation for being the crowning touch for any scene of natural beauty. Like snowflakes, every rainbow is unique and one-of-a-kind… and somewhat sadly, all too temporary. Perhaps the true pot of gold is to be found not at the end of the rainbow, but by having the privilege to view one from the beginning.

Background Checks For All With BeenVerified’s iPhone App

by MG Siegler

Back in September, we wrote about a new iPhone app that would allow you to run a background check on a new lover. It’s mildly creepy, but also kind of interesting. Unfortunately, that app, DateCheck, also charged an arm and a leg to run the checks. A new one gives you some background checking ability for free.

The aptly named Background Check App does exactly what it says: Using data from the site BeenVerified, it allows you to do background checks on people via name queries or their email addresses. And it even allows you to check your contacts on your iPhone with just one click. Just imagine the fun that will bring.

But it’s not all free fun. Unfortunately, you only get three free queries a week. After that, you’re prompted to sign up for a BeenVerified account and pay to get unlimited access. Currently, that will cost you $8-a-month.

Beyond looking up things such as age, address history, and relatives, Background Check App gives you access to criminal records, the properties associated with a person (and their values), and even scans the social networks to find data about the person there, such as pictures of them.

Background Check App is a free download in the App Store. Find it here.

Darth Vader Opens Wall Street

Darth Vader and a number of Storm Troopers from the Star Wars Saga rang the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. They, along with R2-D2, were there as representatives of Lucasfilm Ltd. (Dec. 22)

Michael Jackson FBI files reveal extortion, death threats

foia.fbi.gov — The files were just released by the FBI and reveal a great deal of personal drama in the King of Pop's life.

From: FBI

Michael Joseph Jackson

Michael Joseph Jackson, a celebrity pop star, was born on August 29, 1958. He died unexpectedly on June 25, 2009 at the age of 50.

Between 1993 and 1994 and separately between 2004 and 2005, Mr. Jackson was investigated by California law enforcement agencies for possible child molestation. He was acquitted of all such charges. The FBI provided technical and investigative assistance to these agencies during the cases. The Bureau also investigated threats made against Mr. Jackson and others by an individual who was later imprisoned for these crimes.

This release consists of seven separate files, as described below:

9A-LA-142276: 1992 to 1993, 196 pages

This file details a Los Angeles field office investigation into extortion threats against Michael Jackson and others in 1992. The subject of this investigation pled guilty and was sentenced to prison in 1993.

A total of 111 pages were withheld to prevent duplication of material already released or to protect personal privacy, the identity of sources that provided information to the FBI in confidence, and internal rules and practices. Some information was referred to the U.S. Secret Service.

62D-LA-162715: September 16, 1993 to August 8, 1994, 56 pages

This file involves a Los Angeles field office investigation opened to assist local authorities with a child molestation case in 1993. The case never went to trial.

Ninety-five pages were withheld to prevent duplication of material already released or to protect personal privacy, the identity of sources that provided information to the FBI in confidence, and internal rules and practices.

62D-L0-11779: September 2, 1993 to October 22, 1993, 9 pages

This file was opened by the FBI’s legal attaché office in London when it assisted local authorities with a child molestation investigation in 1993.

Thirteen pages were withheld to protect personal privacy and the identity of sources that provided information to the FBI in confidence.

95A-HQ-1148159: October 30, 1995 to January 24, 1997, 8 pages

This file details a request made to the FBI to analyze a VHS videotape provided by the U.S. Customs Service as part of a child pornography investigation.

Some information was redacted to protect personal privacy. Four pages were referred to U.S. Customs and Immigration Enforcement for a release determination.

62D-LA-236081: January 15, 2004 to April 27, 2004, 41 pages

Our Los Angeles field office opened this file when it was asked by local authorities to provide forensic computer analysis assistance in a child molestation investigation in 2004. The examination of evidence in this case was conducted by the FBI’s Computer Analysis and Response Team (CART). Mr. Jackson was ultimately acquitted of these charges in a California court.

One hundred and twenty-three pages were withheld to protect personal privacy, the identity of sources that provided information to the FBI in confidence, and internal rules and practices or to prevent the disclosure of techniques and procedures for law enforcement investigations or prosecutions.

305B-LA-239204: September 14, 2004 to December 9, 2004, 5 pages

This Los Angeles field office file was opened in 2004 to investigate child molestation allegations. Due to lack of witness cooperation, the case was closed.

252B-IR-6808: March 1, 2004 to June 29, 2005, 18 pages

This file involves a request made of the FBI's Critical Incident Response Group to provide advice and assistance to local authorities concerning a child molestation investigation in 2004.

Some information was redacted to protect personal privacy and internal rules and practices.

---

CELEB KARAOKE: FIRST TRAILER FOR KARATE KID

From: http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/

The cool thing about being a ridiculously wealthy celebrity is that if you like a movie, you can just put your kid in it, like movie karaoke. On that note, here’s the first trailer for Jaden Smith/Jackie Chan’s THE Karate Kid (the ‘The’ is very important), which the soundtrack promises will Linkin Pork you in the ears. The plot is that Jaden’s mom moves him to Beijing, where he soon finds out that Chinaman no rikey reedo brack boy, and old women are always elbowing him in the ribs on the subway (I’m just speculating here). So Jackie Chan comes and teaches him Kung Fu. Or maybe Karate. It’s a little unclear. What’s the one where Asian dudes kick each other?

And then at the end, Jaden Smith sees Jackie Chan trying to catch flies with chopsticks, and he’s all “It’s like Star Wars and you’re Yoda.” No, dumbf-ck, it’s more like Karate Kid.

(”Stay out my store!”)

Ford makes buyout offer to workers, including 200 at St. Paul plant

Minneapolis / St. Paul Business Journal

Ford Motor Co. is offering a buyout to all of its 41,000 hourly workers in the United States, according to media reports.

Ford officials wouldn’t say how many of those workers might accept the offer, which includes $50,000 plus the choice of either a $25,000 voucher to buy a car or an extra $20,000 in cash. Workers need to have worked at least a year for the automaker to qualify.

Out 760 employees at Ford’s Ranger pickup truck plant in St. Paul, 200 would be able to take the buyout, a United Auto Workers official at the factory told the St. Paul Pioneer Press.

The buyout offer comes after union workers across the company rejected a cost-cutting agreement. The majority of workers at the St. Paul plant had approved the deal.

Dearborn, Mich.-based Ford (NYSE: F) has shown itself to be more financial stable than the other two major U.S. automakers, Chyrsler and General Motors, avoiding bankruptcy and government bailout money. But company officials still say there are too many workers.

When Ford made a similar buyout offer earlier this year, only 1,000 workers took it.

cnewmarker@bizjournals.com | (612) 288-2107

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