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Thursday, June 24, 2010

Seinfeld’s 10 best sports moments

Posted by Matt Lo Cascio

For a show that was supposed to be about nothing, Seinfeld sure had plenty of sports episodes. Golf, tennis, baseball and hockey were all used for episodes that centered around sports. And now that Jerry’s scheduled to call a Mets game with Keith Hernandez, it’s time to paint your face like Puddy and get yourself ready. Here are 10 of the best Seinfeld sports moments.

10 Kramer Asks Paul O’Neill for a Favor

Kramer makes his way into the Yankees locker room to find Paul O’Neill. He asks him to hit two home runs for a sick kid in the hospital, even though it’s really so Kramer can get a birthday card back.

Paul O’Neill: “You promised a kid in the hospital that I’d hit two homeruns?”

Kramer: “Yeah, what — no good?”

Paul O’Neill: “No it’s no good…it’s terrible. I mean, you don’t hit home runs like that, it’s hard to hit home runs. And where the heck did you get two from?”

9 Another Game for Milos!

Jerry finds out that the salesman he bought his tennis racquet from is actually terrible at playing the game. This upsets Jerry tremendously and the salesman, Milos, promises to make it up to him. The plot has some twists and turns, but it comes down to Jerry tanking a tennis match so Milos can look like a man again to his hot wife.

Milos: Another game for Milos! Hahaha!

Jerry: You’re on fire today.

Milos: Hey Patty. look at this guy. He’s awful! He’s not a man, this Jerry. He’s not even married like I am.

Jerry: Hey, uh, Milos, I don’t mind rolling over here, but could you lighten up on the ‘not a man’ stuff?

Milos: Hey everybody, look! The little chicken girl wants me to ease up. He can’t handle this, so he cries like a woman!

8 Kramer Dominates the Dojo

Kramer becomes a force in “kah-rah-tay”, except it’s at a dojo full of young kids. He ends up getting beat up in an alley by them but not before explaining the “katra” to Elaine.

Kramer: The first time I sparred with an opponent, I was terrified. My legs, they were like noodles. But then I looked inside, and I found my katra.

Elaine: Katra?

Kramer: Yeah, your spirit, your, uh, being. The part of you that says, “Yes, I can!”

Jerry: Sammy Davis had it.

Kramer: So I listened to my katra and now I’m dominating the dojo. I’m class champion. Ka-ra-te Jerry ka-ra-te sound bite

7 Jay Buhner Has a Rocket for an Arm

George Steinbrenner has stopped by the Costanza residence to tell them the bad news that their son George is dead. Frank Costanza is tremendously upset. But not about George. He’s mad about a certain Yankee trade.

Frank: What the hell did you trade Jay Buhner for?!? He had 30 home runs, over 100 RBIs last year, he’s got a rocket for an arm, you don’t know what the hell you’re doin’!!

Steinbrenner: Well, Buhner was a good prospect, no question about it. But my baseball people love Ken Phelps’ bat. They kept saying ‘Ken Phelps, Ken Phelps’.

6 Was It the AM/PM?

Elaine is hosting Jean Paul, the marathoner that overslept at the Olympics and missed the marathon. Jerry has designs on making sure he doesn’t miss his race in New York. But first they want to find out why Jean Paul missed out on the Olympics.

Jean-Paul: Man, it wasn’t the snooze. Most people think it was the snooze, but no, no snooze.

Jerry: AM/PM.

Jean-Paul: Man, it wasn’t the AM/PM. It was the volume.

Jerry: Ah…the volume.

Jean-Paul: Yes, the volume. There was a separate knob for the radio alarm.

Jerry: Ah, separate knob.

Jean-Paul: Yes, separate knob. Why separate knob?! Why separate knob?!

5 How They Talk in the Major Leagues

George meets with some executives from the Houston Astros to discuss interleague play and adopts a whole new style of conversation.

George: Hey, you bastards.

Jerry: Hey, how was the meeting?

George: I really like those sons of bitches.

Jerry: Sons of bitches?

George: Yeah! That’s how they talk. You know, everyone’s either a bastard or a son of a bitch.

Yeah, it’s like uh…”boy, that son of a bitch Boggs can really hit, uh?!”

Jean-Paul: Really?

George: Yeah, yeah. That’s how they talk in the major league.

4 Joe DiMaggio Dunks His Donuts

Kramer reveals to the Elaine and Jerry that Joe DiMaggio is a “dunker”, but Jerry does not believe it.

Kramer: Joe DiMaggio, you know this time I went in and sat down across from him and I really watched him. I studied his every move. For example, he dunks.

Elaine: Joe DiMaggio dunks his donut?

Kramer: That’s right.

Jerry: See, now I know it’s not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.

Kramer: Oh, he’s a dunker.

Elaine: Why couldn’t he be a dunker?

Kramer: And nothing diverts his attention. Like, I’m uh, you know, like I’m sitting in there, you know. And I start banging on the table, you know, to uh, look up, you know, Like I’m sitting there you know and uh, bang, you know, bang! He wouldn’t move. So then I start doing these yelping noises. Like, yip! yip! No reaction because the guy is so focused, you see, he can just block out anything that’s going on around him. See, that’s how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.

3 George Teaches Jeter and Bernie Williams About Hitting

George abstains from sex and the effects transform him into some sort of savant. Besides dominating at Jeopardy! and figuring out absolute zero, George bestows some of his new found knowledge on Yankees stars Derek Jeter and Bernie Williams.

George: Guys, hitting is not about muscle. It’s simple physics. Calculate the velocity, v, in relation to the trajectory, t, in which g, gravity, of course remains a constant. (Hits a home run) It’s not complicated.

Jeter: Now who are you again?

George: George Costanza, assistant to the traveling secretary.

Williams: Are you the guy who put us in that Ramada in Milwaukee?

George: Do you wanna talk about hotels, or do you wanna win some ball games?

Jeter: We won the World Series.

George: In six games.

2 Keith Hernandez, The Magic Loogey and George the Chucker

While Jerry is anxious about his man-date with Keith Hernandez, Newman explains why he can’t stand the Mets’ first baseman with his “Magic Loogey” theory, duplicating the exact scene — and his role –in JFK.

Kramer: Keith was coming toward us, as he passes Newman turns and says, “Nice game pretty boy.” Keith continued past us up the ramp.

Newman: A second later, something happened that changed us in a deep and profound way front that day forward.

Elaine: What was it?

Kramer: He spit on us…. and I screamed out, “I’m hit!”

Newman: Then I turned and the spit ricochet of him and it hit me.

1 Puddy Paints His Face for the Devils Game

Elaine learns something new about her on and off boyfriend, David Puddy. Turns out Puddy is a “face painter” and Elaine just can’t handle that.

Elaine: You painted your face?

Puddy: Yeah.

Elaine: Why?

Puddy: You know, support the team.

Elaine: Well, you can’t walk around like that.

Puddy: Why not?

Elaine: Because it’s insane?

Puddy: Hey, you gotta let them know you’re out there, this is the playoffs.

Kramer: Hey.

Puddy: Hey.

Elaine: Dave, um, painted his face.

Kramer: Yeah, that’s cool. Well, you gotta support your team.