Zazzle Shop

Screen printing

Thursday, February 25, 2010

7 things in your apartment that will scare a woman away

The second a woman walks into your apartment after a date (or drunken bar make-out), you can usually assume you’ll at least be getting to second base. However, just because she’s taking off her shoes and slurring all her words doesn’t mean that anything is for sure happening. If you have any of the following items in your apartment, it’s a safe bet she’ll walk right back out that door.

1 Broken furniture

You’re an adult now and your apartment should reflect that. There’s a problem if you’re still using your college couch with duct-tape patches as a realistic seating option. Throw out the bean-bag chair, take down the ceiling tapestry, and recycle the empty beer can collection you’ve been storing pyramid-style over the fridge.

2 Exotic pets

It’s the rare woman that will walk into an apartment and swoon over your naked mole rat. And no one wants to hook-up while a 12-foot boa constrictor munches on mice in his cage. Now is the time to decide if you want to raise an alligator in your bathtub or you want to see a girl naked before you die.

3 Locked doors

Movies have made it clear that there is never anything good behind a locked door. The options run the gamut from ailing grandmother to dead hookers to a collection of toe-nail clippings. Try and keep her from imagining the worst by refraining from tackling her and yelling “I told you never to ever go near that door!”

4 Dorm room posters

Posters that were cliche in college are now just embarrassing. Whether it’s the John Belushi college poster or the Bob Marley smoking weed poster, it’s absolutely unacceptable. Tear them down and replace them with a still life of fruit and a classic framed Playboy spread.

5 Moldy food

If the general rule in your fridge is to keep food a year beyond the expiration date, there’s a problem. Unless your fridge is stocked with blue cheese, there’s no reason to keep moldy and rotten food. And if your fridge is stocked to the brim with blue cheese, you’re probably more in need of the article “7 reasons you’re morbidly obese.”

6 Stains

Excessive drink stains, rust stains, and blood stains all tend to be a major turn-off when you’re trying to create a romantic atmosphere. Either rip out the carpeting before you bring ladies home or insist on only using candles. The candle light gives you the added advantage of looking far more handsome than you will ever look under fluorescent lights.

7 A huge mess

If you’re the kinda guy that considers your floor the trashcan and your trashcan a toilet, than you might have problems getting girls to stay at your place. While some girls may look at the roach infestation as an indoor sneak peak at nature, others will run out looking for the largest container of hand sanitizer. If the thought of cleaning up the mess gives you hives, do yourself a favor, and at least flush the toilet.