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Thursday, October 1, 2009

Top 10 Chick Drinks That’ll Get You Laid

Mr. Matt Enlow

If you’re a man’s man, but aren’t interested in a wiener measuring contest with the beer chugging meathead at the end of the bar then come, take a walk on the softer side of binge drinking. There’s no shame in sipping on a delicious cocktail, whether it’s pink, topped with whipped cream, or ends with “-tini”.

To help with this list, we got the star of the new Atom Original Chick Drinks (creator of White People Problems and alcohol aficionado) Zach Selwyn to provide a masculine counterpoint.

10. Michelob Ultra


Says “I care about burning calories, but I still like to party.” The Ultra-ultra-chick magnet, Michelob Ultra can be the perfect accessory to the health conscious stud. It hardly tastes like anything, let alone beer, so it’s the perfect alternative to the carb-loaded big brother- the pint. Maybe you can set up a gym date with the toned girl in the corner, sipping on a vodka and soda.


Michelob Ultra – Hey, if you want to drink watered down beer, get Miller Lite or Natty Lite – both are awesome, and you can drink 25 of them. Ultra was a fad, but it has a bad aftertaste. Still, acceptable for me, because at least its BEER, but if you tailgate at a football game Michelob Ultra, you’ll quickly be given a bad nickname like “Sparkles McWears-a-Thong.”

9. Long Island Ice Tea

long island

When you see a woman sucking down a long island, you know she’s looking to get wasted. So why not join her? Sidle next to the sloppiest looking group of Bachelorette party revelers you can find, and let them know you’re here, you’re possibly not queer, and you’re ready to party. You may drop 18 dollars on one cocktail, but you won’t need many more. If you’re lucky, you’ll be holding back some hottie’s hair in the bathroom in no time.


Long Island Ice Tea – This is technically OK, because a broke drinker needs as much alcohol to get drunk in one drink as possible, so this is an acceptable glass of arsenic. Pound away.

8. Peach Bellini


If a woman is looking to take you home, she’ll find solace in the idea that you’re likely to stick around for brunch.


Peach Bellini – Inexcusable. You are not a man and you probably can tell the difference between Minolo shoes and Charles Davids. (Why do I know these references?? I have mad game, that’s why).

7. Chablis


Says you’re a man who knows his wine. Chablis is light, delicious, and fruity.

Also, it would be funny if Saxby Chambliss drank Chablis (or even better, owned a vineyard).


Chablis – As my friend JOHN HENSON says, “If you’re drinking a Chablis, I’m pulling your MAN card.”

6. Mango Margarita


A school of thought that says, “hey, let’s take a totally drinkable, masculine, but still sweet drink, and make it FRUITIER”. You’re telling women that you like to plus every endeavor you take on. Lime juice and sweet and sour aren’t good enough for you. You’re going whole hog, and you’d like to with her.


Mango Margarita – Only in Mexico or other tropical places, and then, you’re only allowed ONE. Then, move to tequila, regular margaritas or cold Mexican beer.

5. Cosmo


The Cosmo is a lethal addition to your chick drink arsenal. Not too sweet, totally drinkable, and a perfect entrée into conversation. The martini glass can be a little hazardous to balance, but unlike the women you’ll be drinking with, your shoes probably don’t cost 400 bucks, so what’s the big deal? There’s probably already booze on them anyway.


Cosmo – Unacceptable. Never drink something flourescent. AND never drink something you have to BALANCE to properly sip… Unless its a regular Martini. (James Bond approved)

4. Peach Schnapps


The go-to drink for high-school girls, Peach Schnapps tells women you’re young at heart and your breath is going to smell sweet. Fondly reminisce with her about the first time she first got wasted (whether that’s in someone’s basement, at a college party she snuck into, or under a bridge). Extra points if you can pull off drinking it out of a paper bag.


Peach Schnapps – OK if in high school and cant get any other booze. Otherwise, dont talk to me.

3. Red Headed Slut


Themed, sweet shots are all the rage with the ladies these days, especially if they have a sassy name. They may be super sugary, but the company you keep when drinking them makes it worth it. Order up a round of Purple Nurples, and let the good times roll.


Red Headed Slut (and other girly shots) – Unless these are given to you free by a waitress at a theme bar like Margaritaville or the Saddleranch, get away from them immediately. Sugar dose = nasty hangover – and you look stupid with a green tongue the rest of the night.

2. Smirnoff Ice/ Mikes Lemonade/ Boones Farm/ Zima/ Wine Coolers


Since you’re not a sorority girl, you probably haven’t had one of these in a while. Basically, this is like drinking a boozey soda, and I’m pretty sure you’re ok with drinking soda, so get over it. Cheers!


Smirnoff Ice/Mikes/Boones etc. – These pansy drinks say this: Obviously you like to go to Vegas and hang out at pools in hotels called “REHAB” or something lame like that – Just so you can show the world how awesome your entourage is (Because it probably includes some chick from “The Hills” and Jesse Metcalfe….) LAME… The again, if I was still 22, Id rather stare at Audriana Partridge in a bikini than the women at the “Mommy, Daddy and Me” pool I go to these days at the YMCA…

1. Apple-tini


Nothing says “I’m comfortable with my sexuality” like an apple-tini. This drink takes the philosophy of this list to the extreme. Don’t be defensive, but be ready to explain yourself, and you’ll find yourself the most popular guy in the room.


Apple-tini – NO fruit slices or pieces of garnish in a drink unless its a Bloody Mary – where you can put in celery, olives, pepperoncinis, shrimp and lime and a freaking tree branch for all I care. An apple-tini tells a girl one thing: You suck in bed.

Ultimately, you should drink what you like. If that’s a fruity, blended, umbrealled concoction of dessert liquors and sprite, then so be it. But beware, just as hard liquor and beer have their drawbacks, the sugar in the aforementioned cocktails pack an unexpected punch. Be careful out there, because if there’s one thing Atom does not adovocate, it’s tummy aches at the bar.

For the uninitiated, here’s an introduction to why you should drink chick drinks, and the women who will love you…


Octohawk October 1, 2009 at 2:56 PM  

If you have any of those drinks in your hand, don't try to talk to me. Drink some whiskey, grow some balls, and then maybe we can talk.