What a Mustache Says About A Man’s Profession

by Sean Percival

A lot can be told by a man’s mustache, and it seems certain professions have their own. For some it can be a small handlebar, and for others it can be a bushy chevron. The bottom line however, is that the hair on a man’s upper lip can rightfully be understood as a window into his soul. The following is a list of the most notable mustaches, and noteworthy stereotypes from the industries that championed each ’stache:

Private Investigator

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This is the type of mustache you should sport when you love your job just as much as your cocaine. Something of an industry staple, most private dicks rock this look because it helps them to believe that, “hey, I’m almost a real detective.”

Baseball Player

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In the greater part of the twentieth century, facial hair was discouraged in professional baseball. But by the early 1970s, the Kansas City/Oakland A’s had brought the look back with such notables as Joe Rudi, Reggie Jackson and of course, Rollie Fingers. Ever since, it is not uncommon for dominating players to rock a bit of lip hair, mostly pitchers.

Painter

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Lots of artistic people do eccentric things. One such example is Salvadore Dali, who made the look this look so famous, that it is now named after him. Also called a “spaghetti mustache”, the tips of this type of ‘stache can be used as brushes – in a pinch.

Dictator

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Although funny-man Charlie Chaplin wore this mustache during Hollywood’s silent era, it is perhaps most known as the mustache of choice among dictators. Most recently the ex-Zimbabwean ruler Robert Mugabe, and more famously Adolf Hitler – who, incidentally is Mugabe’s hero – have donned this look. It is alternatively known as the toothbrush mustache.

Eccentric

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Quite frankly, a mustache that includes the middle of one’s upper lip being shaved is reserved for eccentric individuals. The most famous example of this was GG Allin, the super weird, shock rocker that loved to defecate on-stage. It takes an individual that is willing to go out of his way to look more weird, to pull this look off – it is essentially, not a mustache that can be grown half assedly.

Biker

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This mustache says you ride a bike (preferably a Harley) and you are something of a free spirit. Most importantly, however, it says that you like to kick ass. While not a requirement for being a full-time biker, it is not recommended to grow this type of mustache unless you are well-versed in wielding bar stools in fights, and loose women.

Martial Arts Enthusiast

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The most important aspect of this mustache is that it is grown from the upper lip, in a downward direction. All parts of the face lower than the mouth are shaved. This is the distinction between this and the handlebar (above). With that mentioned, it is no surprise that his mustache is typically only worn by individuals with tons of dedication, the same type of dedication typically employed by martial arts experts.

Diplomat

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Although this mustache is fairly rare these days, it was at point the lip warmer du jour, mostly in Europe. When worn appropriately, it can be the perfect compliment to any diplomatic endeavor, and communicates to lesser men that the wearer is relatively important.

Porn Star

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This mustache basically tells people, “…yeah, I’m here for the gang bang.” It is a perfect mustache for the porn industry, because male co-stars typically act as cops, plumbers, or other mustached professions before the coitus begins. It makes every bit of the acting, that much more believable.

Director

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The director mustache is similar to the eccentric mustache, but is reserved specifically for connoisseurs of film. One popular theory regarding this mustache stems from a story about Waters wanting to replicate the elegance and grace of Orson Welles’ early work through facial hair management.

The Anchorman

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The chevron mustache and its wearer are the personification of panache. What better way to conduct journalistic affairs than by letting this tasteful representation of manhood precede a dramatic presentation of facts? That’s right, there is no way.

Mechanic

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The walrus mustache is popular among blue collar workers, primarily those that work in service and repair. Many of these gentlemen are self-employed, and this type of prideful mustache represents that there is no holding down the caliber of men that help build this country. It also helps to increase the wearer’s credibility when quoting prices to housewives for dishwasher repair. It communicates others that the mustached man might not know the ins and out of fine art trading, but he is probably an expert when it comes to his profession

Nascar Driver

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In parts of America, Nascar drivers are heroes. And the bottom line is, most heroes have mustaches. But if nothing else, a bushy upper lip accessory such as this is the perfect compliment to a flame retardant suit, ball cap and sunglasses. Basically it is what made Dale Earnhardt, Dale Earnhardt.

Police Officer

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Many people do not know this, but most police departments have regulations limiting officers’ facial hair to mustaches only. Typically in an effort to standardize the appearance and avoid any strange soul patches or goatees. It has since become a symbol of following the rules, and not expressing oneself in a way that might offend other citizens.

Rock God

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Rock and roll legends are known to be rather strange at times, and express themselves in entirely unique ways. However, George Harrison, Ted Nugent and Frank Zappa have agreed that a bad ass push broom is the way to go. Zappa accessoried his by a square patch, and his relatives trademarked the look once he passed away.