Kill The Car Guy

For the record, killing is bad and should be avoided, along with Brussels sprouts and flip-flops in the workplace. Still, I call this one Kill the Car Guy. It's a phrase I've just had enough of. Everybody's a car guy these days; just ask them.

You used to have real credentials to call yourself a car guy. Grated knuckle skin. Greasy fingernails. R Compound tires. A racing trophy. Proof you've been to some racetrack somewhere at sometime. A basic understanding of the internal combustion engine. Knowing how to heel-and-toe downshift. Knowing how to do a proper burnout. Knowing the GT-R is not the new Skyline. Knowing which one is Bo and which is Luke. Something.

Relax. I'm not saying you need to know all this stuff to qualify. It's not that simple. There's no litmus test here. You just need to invest in cars. What you choose to invest is up to you: could be your time, your brain power, your garage space, your weekends, your marriage, or of course all of the above. I don't care what it is, but I know this; being a car guy should not be free.

There was a time when it wasn't. As little as a decade ago, car guy status still had to be earned. Earned through your knowledge and your actions. You had to have real passion for this stuff; you weren't in the club just because you wanted to be. You had to truly care and you had to make the sacrifices that come along with the commitment. It wasn't enough for cars to be just a passing interest, they had to be a high priority, an very important part of your life.

No more. These days, we let anybody in. Recently I met a guy in a Lexus ES 350 with golf shoes in his trunk. Even he claimed to be a car guy. Said he goes to the L.A. auto show every year, and remembers a 1962 Mustang his dad bought new.

That's right, a 1962 Mustang. Jerk.

Most people think money makes you a car guy, because money buys cool cars. And there are very wealthy car guys out there. Guys like Jay Leno. Sure he's overexposed and a shill for any car company that rings his phone, but he's also very knowledgeable and passionate about his cars. He'd rather be in his garage than anyplace else. That's a real car guy, pocketbook size aside.

But for every Leno there are 100 jack-o-lanterns with six-figure bonuses and new 911s. Oh sure, they call themselves car guys, but not a one has ever heard of a 993, a 996 or a 997. Not even if you put a gun to their head. Hard up against their temple. With the hammer cocked and a round in the chamber. Trust me.

Bottom line: Most self-proclaimed car guys are not. Look, I've been on a boat. Doesn't make me a boat guy. And I don't claim to be. Even if I went out and bought the biggest, dumbest, fastest, most expensive boat around, I still wouldn't be a boat guy. Even if I read a boat magazine and went to the boat show I'd still just be a guy who knows nothing about boats but owns the biggest, dumbest, fastest, most expensive boat around, which I saw in a boat magazine while I was at the boat show. Let me reiterate. I am not a boat guy.

And I'm not the only one aware of the problem. Mercedes had so many housewives and cigar aficionados leasing AMGs to impress their neighbors, the seriousness of the brand was in jeopardy, so the company invented the AMG Black Series for the real car guys.

But why? Why does every hairy back think he needs to be a car guy? I blame the recent flood of automotive television being piped into the American home. Speed TV. Overhaulin'. American Hot Rod. With every televised Foose Fade, a car guy was born. And with every episode of My Classic Mustache and Mequiar's Car Crappy there was another golfer who had heard of Carroll Shelby.

And now that every knit shirt knows Ol' Shel tuned up some Mustangs 100 years ago, that's not enough to qualify you anymore. Mrs. The Mechanic knows that much. If you're going to use your Shelby knowledge to substantiate your car guy qualifications, you better know what year he won Le Mans and what he was driving.

If not, get off my lawn.

Whatever, enough is enough. Time to take action, people.

If you ask me, use of the phrase car guy should negate true car guy status. I think we should switch it up and not tell anybody. Let's turn our backs on the car guy. Change our handshake, if you will. Put a guard at the gate. I'm thinking "Motor Head" or "Car Nut," but I'm up for suggestions. Recently Bob Lutz used "Gearhead" on The Colbert Report, which has a nice ring to it. Then, when that bozo in the 528i claims car guy status you'll know the truth.

If he really attended the final race at Riverside and has a garage packing a GT-R, a wicked black Hemi 'Cuda and two Renault R5 Turbos, he would have called himself a gearhead. But he didn't. He's a car guy. Walk away.