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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Batman 3: Johnny Depp Definitely The Riddler, But Probably Not

by Stuart Heritage

The Batman 3 casting rumours have so far been numerous and vague, but at least one thing’s for certain - Johnny Depp will definitely play The Riddler.

That’s a stone cold fact. You heard it here first. Why are we so sure that Johnny Depp will play The Riddler in Batman 3? Because Johnny Depp recently briefly mumbled something desperately ambiguous about it possibly being quite fun to maybe play The Riddler during a local radio interview with his band.

See? That’s means Johnny Depp is definitely going to be The Riddler in Batman 3, which is why we’ve already started to manufacture a set of Johnny Depp Batman 3 Riddler action figures. OK, admittedly we just got a load of unsold Pirates Of The Caribbean action figures and Tippexed question marks onto their backs but - face it - that’s probably what he’ll be like in the film anyway.

We know this is a bit premature, but we’re absolutely confident that Batman 3 is going to be the best film ever made. Seriously, ever.

Look at how The Dark Knight ended, with Batman living in fear as a supposed criminal vigilante. Batman 3 is going to have the same feeling of doomy paranoia and creeping dread, but it’ll also have Cher titting around in a rubber doily too. There’s something for everyone there, provided that you’re a manic depressive comicbook fan or a stereotypical homosexual.

But what if you want more from The Dark Knight’s sequel than a fed-up Batman and a terrifyingly expressionless pensionable Catwoman who keeps getting her old lady minge out? What if, for instance, you want to see The Riddler in Batman 3?

Well, frankly, if that’s the case you’re an idiot. The Riddler is rubbish. He’s basically The Joker but with a green hat and a thing for Sudoku. He’s Henry Kelly from Going For Gold with a bee in his bonnet. He’s rubbish. Don’t argue, we’re right. He’s rubbish.

But none of that fierce logic is washing with Christopher Nolan. It’s long been rumoured that he’d like to cast Johnny Depp as The Riddler in Batman 3. So far Johnny Depp has kept quiet over the reports, but during a local radio interview recently, he decided to share his thoughts on the matter:

Host: Hey Johnny, a listener called in earlier said you have to ask about the rumors on the internet of you doing the Riddler.
Depp: Oh yeah, I heard about that. Not that I know of.
Host: You’d be a good choice.
Depp: It seems like it’d be a fun gig for a while, yeah.

“It seems like it’d be a fun gig for a while, yeah.” If that’s not official confirmation of the casting, we don’t know what is. But you know what this means?

It’s obvious. Cher as Catwoman and Sweeney Todd’s Johnny Depp as The Riddler? Batman 3 is going to be a musical!