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Thursday, October 8, 2009

20 Things In Nature That Look Exactly Like Boobs

“I love breasts” (especially Alyson Hannigan’s) would be the understatement of the year. When I suck on a Twix bar, I always make sure to tweak the other Twix bar with my thumb and forefinger. When I blow up balloons, I inflate two-at-a-time, so it looks like boobs are growing from my mouth. When I’m with my grandmother I… usually take her to Denny’s (Wait, what did you think I was going to say? Really? You’re a jerk.) Here are 20 pics that prove Mother Nature is a breast man. (Check them out after you listen to “99 Words For Boobs.”)

20. Mushroom Boobs
Did mother nature get a… cap job?

19. Slutty Hills
That’s some fierce hair around the areolae.

18. Naughty Tree-Lady
We’re not going to make a joke about “sporting wood.” If you want that kind of crap, watch “Accidentally on Purpose” or one of the many other turd-ridden Jenna Elfman vehicles.

17. Frog with Big-Ol-’Uns
Actually, now I’m jealous. How come my pet doesn’t have bigger breasts? Is there a goldfish plastic surgeon I could see, immediately?

16. Oranges
Juicy, round oranges look hot. Plus, if you like orange-skinned women, this is about as close as you will get without hanging outside a tanning salon.

15. More Mushroom Boobs
It’s simply amazing how an ordinary fungi can have such a sexy look. I wonder if mushrooms have any other magical properties.

14. Cactus
I keep telling myself to stop groping it. I keep ending up in the emergency room.

13. Loquat Fruit
I’m pretty sure that, in some language, “loquat” translates to “motorboat.”

12. Melons
Also, note that they look like testes. I’m not sure if that excites me even more.

11. Hills “At Attention”
It must be a cold day.

10. Even More Mushrooms
Why does every mushroom look like an (albeit lopsided) rack? It’s just like those Rorschach inkblots they gave me in junior high. Boobs are all I see!

9. Chinese Cliffs
You know what they say, “Once you’ve climbed Chinese mountains… you’ll never go back.” Although, I think that saying may have originally applied to strict Chinese border enforcement policies.

8. Another Dirty Debauched Tree
This is why there aren’t more family fun days spent in the park. That and all the homeless junkies that live there.

7. Lemons
If you juxtapose two of any fruit just right, you get a tight set of headlights. I went with lemons.

6. More Fungi Boobs
In unrelated news, I found a field of mushrooms I want to marry.

5. Cactus Boobs
Cacti have always been the cocktease of the desert.

4. Magic Mountains
There’s four of them! Why is that sexy, but cows’ udders aren’t?

3. Ocean Rocks
It must be a sight when the white ocean foam gushes between them.

2. Boob Island
Many a lonely sailor has crashed their vessel between these beauties.

1. Mushrooms Again!
They’re back for the top spot. Fungi easily sport the best racks of the natural world.

For more interesting nature pictures, be sure to check out – aw, who are we kidding, here are more boob pics. Also, here are some boob pics.

Evan Hoovler co-wrote the National Lampoon book, “Pimp it Yourself,” and is the former head writer of the T.V. show “Abused News.” He executive produces the sketch comedy troupe, Drunk Nerds.