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Thursday, May 14, 2009

It’s Time for Tri-Corner Hats to Make a Comeback

May 12, 2009 by Dave

There are certain truisms about fashion that even people like me, who wear whatever their wife buys them without protest, are aware of. For instance, fashion is cyclical. When I was young, we used to make fun of my parents for wearing bell bottoms as teens, but by the time I was in high school, they were back en vogue. The mantra is “Everything old is new again.” Coincidentally, I believe that fashion is also very, very arbitrary. If a designer in Paris does a little too much coke, all of a sudden rainbow-colored capes are the style of the day. If another designer in Milan is having a rough week, we’ll be expected to dress all in black and wear funeral veils. We are completely at the mercy of the fashion elite. These rules suit me just fine, because I’ve got some old, random shit that’s overdue for a comeback. I am speaking, of course, of tri-cornered hats.

How is this not already the height of fashion?

What could be cooler than a tri-corner hat? Pirates wore them when they savagely raided ships and drank rum by the barrel. Early colonial Americans wore them while slaughtering Indians and trying their damnedest not to die of dysentery or consumption. If tri-corner hats were good enough for the likes of Benjamin Franklin and Captain Blackbeard, two of the pimpest motherfuckers of their day, then they’re jolly-well good enough for us.

One of the best things about tri-corner hats is their versatility. Going for a formal look? Well then it’s time to bust out your black felt tri-corner with the lace trim, which might might seem a little dandy, but these hats are so cool they overcome the questionably unmanly nature of lace with their almost unlimited supply of badassery. Trapping beaver pelts deep in the woods? Then you’ll want to bring along your sweat-stained leather tri-corner, and probably a musket to ward off any bears who start getting ideas about trying to eat your pile of dead beavers. There’s literally a tri-corner hat for every occasion.

Hats themselves, at least hats of the non-baseball variety, are long overdue for a comeback. There was a time in this country, an awesome time, when men ran around wearing fedoras and bowler caps with reckless abandon. This was a time where men were men. When arguments were not settled with logical discourse and polite discussion, they were settled by the putting up of one’s dukes, and maybe the occasional knife fight. It was a time when honest people did honest work, and the Irish were rightfully not tolerated in polite company. I believe that day can come again.

Doubtful of the awesomeness of dudes wearing formal hats? Look no further than a group of old black dudes playing chess in the park with their fedoras and bow ties. Those guys are the coolest bastards you’re ever likely to meet, so take note.

So how do we get the common man to start wearing awesome hats again? The same way all stupid trends get started: convincing a celebrity to do it first, preferably somewhere that they’ll be photographed, like grocery store or a gas station. If celebrities like Joaquin Phoenix and Mel Gibson can bring back crazy-prospector beards and anti-semitism, respectively, then there’s no reason to think that a star of moderate influence can’t bring back our beloved tri-corner hats.

This has been Dave sayin’: “It’s a slippery slope: beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail.”