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Thursday, April 23, 2009

10 Massive High School Movie Pricks

We only had one real prick in my high school (everybody else was too high). He would always have his hood propped open at lunch so people could see the engine of his Mustang Cobra and then peel out a couple donuts before skipping another class. He smelled of flaming moonshine, regularly rocked a fedora, and tucked his sweaters in. Everyone hated this twat, and yet, he always seemed to be having more fun than me. All these characters below have reminded me of him at one time or another. And for that, I hate them.

Honourable Mention: Tracy Flick - ELECTION (1999)

She's not on the actual list because girls like her fall into their own special little category of prick. In fact, look for her again when I do 10 Massive High School Cunts. My wife is mad at me for including her here (and that last sentence) because she considers her "likable". I consider her "punchable" and would rather piss pure wasabi than listen to her talk. Prickiest Line: "Looks like you could use a cupcake!"

10: Tugger - BRICK (2005)

As I write this I'm starting to second guess myself as to whether or not Tug was actually in high school. All I remember the guy doing was punching people. Whatever, somebody was in high school in this movie, I'd bet my underpants on that. And this dude wears a toque with a wife beater. Prick. Prickiest Line: "I don't smoke cigarettes."

9. Mike Dexter- CAN'T HARDLY WAIT (1998)

Not so much a prick as he is an idiot. Who dumps a young and perky Jennifer Love Hewitt? He's just the stereotypical popular jock that every high school in the world has to deal with. You hate them in movies like this but would have done anything to hang out with him back in the day. You suck. And by you, I mean me. Prickiest Line: "I'll kick everyone's ass in this room!"

8. Mick McAllister - TEEN WOLF (1985)

Why does he foul Scott (Michael J. Fox) at the end of regulation in the basketball game? They were ahead in the game, Scott was obviously out of control, there was no sign of the Wolf - bringing the talent level of the entire team down 90%, and it gave them a chance to tie or take the lead with no time left on the clock. This guy is a prick as a teammate as much as he is a prick as a alternate-school boyfriend of the token hot girl. Prickiest Line: "Your mama used to steal chickens out of the backyard until I blew her head off with a shotgun."

7. Fred O'Bannion - DAZED AND CONFUSED (1993)

I always found it disturbing at how dedicated O'Bannion was to the punishment of freshman with that paddle. Everybody else is trying to find the ultimate party and this guy is hunting down little boys so he can spank them. And he has hair like Neil Diamond. Prickiest Line: "What are you smiling at? Freshman faggot!"

6. Charlie Dillon - SCHOOL TIES (1992)

I'm pretty sure a Jewish man killed Charlie's childhood puppy while raping his mother. There's no other reason for the blind hatred he throws in the face of David Greene (Brendan Fraser) throughout this sausage fest. If I went to prep-school and had to choose one demographic to hate I'm pretty sure it would be dudes that are left handed. They just rub me the wrong way. Prickiest Line: " 10 years no one will remember any of this. But you'll still be a goddamn Jew."

5. Chris Hargensen - CARRIE (1976)

I could have just included her for that last name. You know you're a prick when one of your teachers slaps the shit out of you and all your friends think you deserved it. Another hint? You scheme up a plan to embarrass some random ugly girl and it involves slaughtering pigs, a pail full of blood, and knocking out The Greatest American Hero. Prickiest Line: [while giving Billy a blowjob] "I hate Carrie White."

4. Steff - PRETTY IN PINK (1986)

If you ever feathered your hair, you were a prick. This rule still applies today and has even expanded to other prick-proven attributes. Popped collar? Prick. Moustache? Prick. Faux-hawk? Prick. What's funny about this movie is that Andie ends up with Blane, another (less douchy) prick. Even Duckie has his moments. Prickiest Line: " That girl was, is, and always will be nada!"

3. Biff Tannen - BACK TO THE FUTURE (1985)

Biff is prick enough as it is. The guys he hangs around don't help matters. One is Billy Zane - Super Prick, and one of the other guys thinks it's cool to wear 3D glasses 24/7. These dudes never get laid, which explains their pent up aggression and need to beat down little geeks. Marty is cool as ice and almost banged his mom. "..Prickiest Line: "....why don't you make like a tree and get outta here?"

2. Melvin Moody - MY BODYGUARD (1980)

Things seem cool in that picture above but I heard, immediately after it was taken, Melvin threw down a ball-crushing wedgie on Cliff that drew blood and had his big bald buddy throw a motorcycle at Linderman. Then he changed into a wife beater and combed his hair with a stick of butter. This guy was born in a vat of prick-sauce. Prickiest Line: Moody: "Hey, Shelly. Do you want to go to the movies?" Shelly: "Sure." Moody: "Okay, have a good time while you're there."

2.5. Roy Stalin - BETTER OFF DEAD (1985)

You know what's great about doing this column in two parts? You get to add the obvious omissions before the final article comes out. I had totally forgot about Roy until Strikebackers demanded he be included with the final product. Anyhoo, feathered hair, really good skier, button-up sweatshirt. Prickalicious! Prickiest Line: "There's one language that I speak that all women understand. Just ask your last girlfriend."

1. Johnny Lawrence - THE KARATE KID (1984)

I'd never seen a man with a full head of hair have a comb-over until this prick. He must have a really ugly forehead. If you ever get a chance, I beg you to go take a look at William Zabka's MySpace page. Here's what he lists as his interests: Kicking Daniel Larusso's ass, Cobra Kai dojo, skeleton costumes, sweeping the leg, bullying the nerdy/average kids who are not as cool as me, wrapping my fists in gauze cloth, lifting lunch tables and spilling the food, giving college students a hard time, and kicking the crap out of girls who dress up to look just like one of the guys. All in a days work. That, my friends, is awesome. Prickiest Line: "You're all right, LaRusso! Good match!"