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Thursday, October 9, 2008

A Closer Look: The 2008 American Mustache of the Year

To be honest, any email that’s sent to me over a list serve is rarely opened. However, last week one masterpiece caught my attention. The title “Goulet finalists announced” from the American Mustache Institute radiated out of my 2,814 unread messages and begged to be opened. The upper lip follicles are a beautiful thing . . . and since the age of 15, I have encompassed an uncanny fascination with the ability to grow one.

However, despite being the hairiest of my three brothers, I am deterred from mustache glory by a “patch” default. However, the American Mustache Institute has taken the sport of ’staching to the next level. It was the bottom of their email that let me know they were for real about this entire endeavor:

Disclaimer: AMI supports healthy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that contain no pesticides. Mustaches should be worn at the individual’s own risk, and AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro. Wearing a “Dictator” mustache may lead to repeated beatings. Mustaches should not be worn by women who hope to find employment outside of waste collection or who are looking for male companionship. If your mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large. Unibrows, commonly referred to as “forehead mustaches,” are not recognized by AMI. AMI does not support chin coverage (i.e. beards, goatees) as they represent the “spousal compromise.” The vast majority of mustache wearers have highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school teachers. AMI strongly encourages consulting a physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression. AMI cautions against trusting clean-shaven officers of the law. If a mustache-free constable attempts to stop your vehicle, dial 911 and proceed to the nearest police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet you with open arms. Please consider the environment before shaving your mustache, and when considering your presidential choices in 2008, remember that Bob Barr is the first mustached American presidential candidate since Thomas E. Dewey in 1948.

*This was NOT sent from a Blackberry, as mustached Americans neither own, nor have the ability, to operate Blackberrys.

So I found that disclaimer more entertaining than the singing Indian guy my friend paid to call me earlier that day for my birthday. Then they appeared on ESPN promoting the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award, and it had me rolling:

With all the hype built up around the Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award, the AMI has posted their 16 worthy furry lipped Americans. Fortunately, no women were among those selected. Out of those 16, I have selected my top 4 Americans:

Bob Barr is the Libertarian Party’s nominee for President of the United States, and the first Mustached American candidate to seek the office of the presidency since Thomas E. Dewey in 1948. Throughout his distinguished career, Barr has proven that he is a leader Americans need to restore confidence in the future of United States. Both working for the American people as a Congressman from Georgia, and afterwards partnering with groups dedicated to protecting civil liberties, Bob has shown a commitment to shrinking government and giving power back to the people.

Why Bob Barr? Not only is he a presidential candidate, but the mustache is off color from the rest of his hair. It stands out, thus, he stands out. Go for the stache Obama, its only rival is the tumor on McCain’s face.

Actor, musician, and film director Jay Della Valle not only wears a mustache with style, but he actively promotes the mustache where ever he goes. The mastermind behind “The Glorius (sic) Mustache Challenge” documentary, Jay has inspired thousands of young men to rock the ’stache. It’s been written he “has done more for the mustache then Daisy Duke has done for short shorts,” and women have claimed to have dated Jay based on his mustache.”

Porn stache? No, this stache has earned the respect and admiration of millions. I once heard it empowered Jay to impregnate 39 women and a mermaid on a cross country road trip.

Cleveland Brown, best known as a star of FOX’s popular show “Family Guy,” says he loves his mustache, “because the ladies love the tickle.” But Cleveland, as well as his mustache, represent far more. As both an African American and being of Mustached American descent – all of his life Cleveland has suffered through the harsh discrimination one faces as a double minority in the small, predominately white and bare-lipped burg of Quahog, Rhode Island. But Cleveland’s candidacy for the “Goulet” award represents a turning point in his career, and success not often achieved by Mustached Americans. After his wife Loretta had “relations” with his good friend Quagmire, and following a falling out with “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane – known to be an anti-Mustached American – Cleveland went to the executives at FOX and negotiated a move that will take him to Virginia to star in his own show, tentatively titled “The Cleveland Show,” set to premiere sometime in 2009. His celebrity, bravery, and willingness to work with FOX to achieve his goals clearly make him a qualified candidate.

Honestly, there’s no reason not to vote for Quagmire.

Tim Galvin is tough. In his teens, after being notified of sharks in a river, he proceeded to jump in where his leg was bitten by a shark. A former college football player, as a young cop in New York, he was known to informants and criminals simply as “’Stache,” as he wore handlebars at that time. He was forced into early retirement after being shot in the face and in the upper leg while arresting a criminal. The Irishman has played the bagpipes for about 15 years now and is as Irish as they come, and everywhere he goes, he wears his respect-demanding full mustache. Tim has touched countless lives with his kindness and sense of humor, but also his stern fist which he isn’t afraid to put down. He is a loving husband, a caring father and a hero to everyone that knows him. His family believes he personifies the type of individual sought for the Goulet award: a proud man who is defined by his signature mustache as much as he is defined by his character and integrity.

If I grow up to be half the man that Tim has become, I will surely go down in the history books as well.

To celebrate this all, the AMI is throwing Stache Bash 2008 at the Lumiere Casino, St. Louis on Oct. 25. Some common questions answered about the party that they answered on the site:

Do I Need a Mustache? - No, but you’d look better in one.

Tickets - Tickets are $22 online (includes shipping) and $25 at the door. This gets you great live music by The Takedown, Vijoy Rao & The Removers, and Hazard 2 Ya Booty (yes, they are that hot); an open bar with beer and wine (liquor costs),a $5 gaming coupon for the casino, an act of fire-eating performers, free concert tickets and other stuff from 105.7 The Point, and a good looking fake mustache (can any mustache look bad?).

Can I Get a Beating? - The American Mustache Institute reserves the right to refuse admittance, or have you removed from the event, if you are stupid, ridiculously intoxicated, act like a knucklehead, or voice praise for Dave Navarro.

What is AMI? - You can read about our full history here, but AMI is the only facial hair think tank and advocacy organization in the world which has fought against a long pattern of discrimination against the Mustached American community since its secret formation in the 1960s. In the 1990s, AMI went public and began putting on events known as ‘Stache Bash in St. Louis, home of the world’s largest mustache - the Gateway Arch.

All Americans should make an attempt to journey out to St. Louis for this historic event. Not only will the winner bear the greatest mustache in America, he will also be the envy of every man, woman, and puberty-ridden boy. God bless America.