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Friday, October 31, 2008

5 Candies You Hated Getting Every Halloween

Every Halloween the youngsters' thoughts turn to candy. And minor acts of vandalism. But mostly candy.

But there was always a downside to trick or treating, and not just the juvenile diabetes that kicked in a few years later. We're talking about the barely edible candies that got handed out every year, products that thrived at Halloween because it was the one time when the person who bought it wouldn't have to actually eat it.

We're talking about...

Wax Candy

The Main Offenders:

Wax Lips, Wax Fangs

The Good:

Everyone remembers wax lips, and to a lesser extent, wax fangs. They were bright red, shiny and, technically, edible. Like a poor man's collagen, these oily enhancers were the closest many children would ever come to a somewhat presentable face.

The Bad:

It's admirable that the manufacturers didn't attempt to disguise the product with a misleading name or fancy packaging. They came right out and told you, "That's a candle in your mouth, dipshit."

Not to mention the fact that to keep the lips and fangs attached to your face, you were required to bite down (ever so gently) on an extra piece of wax protruding from the inside of the "lips," making speech unintelligible on top of everything else.

Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy:

This was pretty safe by itself, if you didn't mind shitting a turd-shaped candle the next day. Of course if you were smart enough to abstain from actually eating it, you and your friends probably still wound up passing it from mouth to mouth, spreading colds and maybe even a case of Measles. Or herpes, depending on the crowd you ran with.

We must also consider the danger of being physically attacked by someone else due to the candy. Since it prominently displays itself in the dead-center of your face at all times, you couldn't really hide the fact that you were eating something retarded. Like, say, a mouth-shaped candle.

On the plus side, the wax candy doubles as a mouth guard, which you most likely needed.

Candy Jewelry

The Main Offenders:

Candy necklaces, Ring Pops

The Good:

It's tasty! It's fashionable! It will gain you the respect of your peers, catch the eye of that boy you've been after, and give you a delicious reprieve from the sheer torture that is your adolescence. It's the best of both worlds!

The Bad:

The whole edible clothing/accessory thing is really better in theory than practice. Like those novelty edible panties, you don't put them back on after they're partially eaten.

Not so with the candy necklace, which the little girl (or effeminate boy, we suppose) was sure to put in their mouth, then around their neck, then around their wrist, then on their friend's wrist, then in their friend's mouth. It'd be disgusting even if the candy didn't taste like chalk.

Disease-ridden shit machine.

The Ring Pop is no better, the whole point is to suck on the thing while it's still on your finger. Soon you wound up wearing a sticky glove of red saliva.

Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy:

Take all of the disease concerns we had about the wax candy and double it, since you've basically got a kid sporting a ring of loogies around his or her neck. Also, Ring Pops always scratched the shit out your finger.

Tobacco-Themed Candy

The Main Offenders:

Candy Cigarettes, Bubble Gum Cigars, Big League Chew

The Good:

Look at you, all grown up! Pretending to use tobacco and emulate the beautiful people like Marilyn Monroe, Pierce Brosnan, and Popeye.

The world has long since pussied-out on the whole "candy carcinogen" thing, but many of us still have fond memories of these from our childhoods. Until we started smoking for real at the age of 12.

The Bad:

Yes you think you look cool, but in reality you're just another poser, kid. That may sound harsh, but if you really thought chewing on the end of a bubble gum cigar would earn you the respect of your friends and strike fear into the hearts of your enemies a la Tony Soprano, you were in for one of those brutal lessons about growing up.

And it kind of looks like a dick.

Not to mention that once again the candy makers, confident that the fun shape would carry sales, didn't bother to inject any kind of flavor into any of these. We said the candy necklaces tasted like chalk? We're not completely sure that candy cigarettes weren't actual sticks of chalk.

Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy:

Big League Chew and gum cigars were just shaped bubble gum, no harm there. But as for the candy cigarettes ... you know you tried to light that shit.

Excessively Chewy Candy

The Main Offenders:

Now and Laters, Good n Fruity, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Salt Water Taffy

The Good:

Chewy candy has only one up-side: it lasts a long time.

The Bad:

It lasts a long fucking time! There's a limit to how long candy should be in your mouth, and that's four minutes. With the exception of chewing gum, no candy should force its flavor upon the user a moment longer.

Plus this stuff can glue your teeth together with the strength of some kind of dental adhesive. The whole tedious, laborious task was way more work than eating a piece of candy should require. Maybe that would be fine if it was the only candy you had and you needed to stretch out the experience. But during the post-Halloween binge, it only delayed the eating of more candy.

Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy:

Attempt to find someone who's ever managed consume a Now and Later in less than 20 minutes. You won't, because they choked and died.

Why do people keep buying this?

The upside is if some bully tried to take your candy, you could always bet him $10 that he couldn't eat one of your Now and Laters in less than 20 minutes.

All Novelty Pseudo-Candy

The Main Offenders:

Candy Buttons on Paper Tape, Fun Dip, Pixy Stix

The Good:

"Novelty" candy is known as such because it's cute and original... for a limited time. Its novelty packaging and novelty consumption methods make it, well, a novelty. And some kids are really, really easily amused.

The Bad:

The amusement however doesn't make this shitty candy taste any better. The "novelty" of this candy wears off about 10 seconds after you pull it out of your little plastic pumpkin. The disappointment, however lasts a lifetime. So does the shame that comes from eating the a row of candy buttons directly off the paper, feeding it into your mouth like your head was a fax machine.

Likelihood of Being Physically Injured by the Candy:

Every candy buttons customer has felt the sting of paper cuts on the corners of their lips. They should have a warning label about that but they know we wouldn't listen. Also, which of us didn't at least once try to snort some Pixy Stix or the powder part of Fun Dip?

Okay, maybe not all of us. Oh, also, don't make our mistake and look up "Fun Dip" on Urban Dictionary.

Trust us. Don't.


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