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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

5 Movie Characters that could probably outdrink you

Posted in Regretful's Blog on August 19th, 2008 by Jason

Every once in awhile a movie comes along where you bond with one of the characters in a completely heterosexual manner. Let me clarify by saying; this list correlates with the character played and not the actor. Telling your buddies that you’d like to hang out with Matthew McConaughey is a good way to lose man points. However, explaining that you would enjoy doing keg stands with Wooderson is a completely different story. This would be embraced by your peers and you will quickly see many head knods in agreement.

In this list we pay tribute to our five favorite on screen alcoholics.

5) Frank Ricard in Old School (Will Ferrell)

We’re going streaking!

Having a name like “Frank the Tank” automatically means you can guzzle beer all night long and still partake in activities like streaking without missing a beat. Frank starts out slow due to him being married. Luckily he gets a divorce, and toward the end of the movie it is clear that he is the BMOC.

4) Charlie Tweeder in Varsity Blues (Scott Caan)

Well we’re all naked in there and we’ve got handcuffs and cool shit to play with so take off your clothes and get in the car.

Tweeder has two weaknesses; Alcohol and Vagina, and in this movie he shows us how often he likes to indulge in both. Tweeder claims a spot on our list for partying at a strip club all night long before a football game. Instead of blaming his poor performance on a hang over, he states that he simply can’t get his teachers ass out of his head.

3) Landfill in Beerfest (Kevin Heffernan)

Let’s get bombed!

Landfill drinks more beer in this movie then most of us have in an entire NFL season. He traveled to Germany and won the fast chug contest with ease. He also managed to be a fat ass and still have a hot wife. Sadly, Landfill #1 dies at the hands of a gigantic beer trough. It is completely acceptable to shed a tear for this fallen warrior when they show him laying there like a bloated turd.

2) David Wooderson in Dazed and Confused (Matthew McConaughey)

That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I keep getting older, they stay the same age.

Wooderson is one of those guys who still parties with the high school crowd. The only difference is that those guys are usually complete losers, while Wooderson kicks ass on multiple levels. In this movie, Wooderson starts to drink beer and smoke joints shortly after dusk. Instead of calling it a night, he continues to guzzle beer and ends up driving from Austin to Houston the following morning (without an ounce of sleep).

1) Doc Holiday in Tombstone (Val Kilmer)

I’m your huckleberry.

Doc Holiday claims the number one spot on our list for many reasons. Doc played poker for almost 24 hours straight, continued to drink whiskey, was deathly ill, and still managed to dominate his opponents (on and off the poker table). Holiday also continued to laugh in the face of death as he prodded at gunslingers and made an ass out of bar bullies throughout the movie.