7 types of Facebook birthday wall posts (and what they mean)
Posted by David "Rek" Lee
There used to be a time when you only heard “Happy Birthday” from friends and family you actually cared about. With the advent of Facebook and other social networks, all that has changed forever. Birthdays are more like those parties in elementary school, everyone’s invited. In fact, you might even get a couple of shouts from friends you haven’t seen since elementary school. But what does it all really mean?
We’re here to reveal the true intentions behind these messages, confirm all your worst suspicions and make Facebook birthdays more awkward than it already is.
7 Acquaintance
If you get a lot of these short messages, jump back in your cocoon, social butterfly, and develop some actual relationships. There are a few exceptions (maybe your friend is supplementing his birthday phone call with a quick Facebook nod), but most of the time, these half-assed greetings are part of the mindless routine Facebook users have grown accustomed to. You can actually tell how much of a f-ck they don’t give by counting the missing vowels and consonants from the phrase ‘happy birthday’.
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…
6 ALL CAPS
As you get older, you’ll start questioning how to feel about your ‘special day’. But you can always count on this jackass being more excited about it than you are. Think of it as a welcome distraction from your own apprehensive feelings towards old age. And if you’re annoyed, gently assure him that your wall isn’t Six Flags. More exclamation points don’t mean more fun.
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…
5 Show off
When you have a lot of people wishing you well on your born day, there’s always one dude who needs to let everyone know just how close you guys really are. Be a gracious friend and let the booger share some of that spotlight. Now, if your friend is genuinely reminiscing aloud about the good times over the Internet, that means the friendship has gone on for way too long. Time to de-friend.
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…
4 Opportunist
For some of our friends, the mention of a birthday or any kind of holiday triggers a kind of Pavlov effect. “Celebrating something? Uh oh, suddenly very, very thirsty”. Send this guy an event invite weeks before and his wall message becomes obsolete.
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…
3 Wise man say
As you get a year older, please believe you are not the only one reflecting on life. These words of wisdom come from the square in your social network who is desperately trying to grab a hold of any relevance to you or anyone for that matter. If it’s not the guy who can’t hang at parties, it’s the girl who’s too scared to go parachuting with the group or the guy who’s too broke to go to the islands; just trying to get a little word in about some potential danger so they have something to contribute. Nobody cares, yo.
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…
2 Foot in the door
When you’ve got a hundred notifications, you’re paying attention to your wall. Some of your friends will use that as an opportunity to say what they’ve been meaning to say for some time. But there’s a time and a place for everything. Don’t let them block the air flow from your lips as you blow out your virtual birthday candles with their crappy requests.
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…
1 Envy
By now, you’d rather not have so many people comment on your wall. But this last type of commenter proves the grass is always greener on the other side. Happy birthday, pal.
WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN…
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