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Thursday, September 8, 2011

8 Fantastic Delivery Methods for Caffeine

By Shaun Clayton

You're a nerd. Based on your high-nerd, low-impact lifestyle, you don't have a lot of energy. And yet, like professional athletes or astronauts, you too need energy -- energy so you can finish your all night MMO gaming sessions, your Android hacking sessions, and and getting your hexmaps designed for your next month-long D&D campaign.

If you hung out at nightclubs, you could possibly score some drugs; if you worked at a pharmacy, you might be able to steal some prescription stimulants. However, since both of those things are illegal (also, they involve working and/or going to nightclubs) your best bet for energizing your flabby nerd body is the completely legal and utterly fabulous caffeine. But why stick to ordinary coffee and soda when there's so many other fabulous and exotic options out there? Here's a few ways you can get this wonder drug into your system you might not have known about -- and where you can get them.

8) Jolt Cola

If you haven't heard of Jolt Cola, what's wrong with you? Are you a Communist? Introduced at a time in the 1980s when soda was reducing sugar, caffeine, and flavor, Jolt came along and said "Nope, twice the caffeine!" Its pure embrace of a favorable stimulant is part of its charm. Now most commonly appearing as an energy drink in a giant metal can, you can still find it in an old-fashioned bottle plain cola form. Sweet, yet violent, it's like an old art school girlfriend with a bipolar disorder -- you should walk away but you just can't.

7) Stay-Puft Marshmallows

So, these marshmallows are not only a reference to Ghostbusters, but they're caffeinated! It's like someone took nerd, put it inside nerd, and then added nerd. Considering each marshmallow has more caffeine than a 20oz bottle of normal soda, how can you not have your heart explode with joy? Well for one, don't eat an entire box, which contains 24 marshmallows (yes, they come in a box. They are fancy). Also of note is that they are stackable, as they are strangely as square as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is rotund. Further, Hebrews need not worry as these marshmallows are kosher, because what is more blessed than sugary softness stacked with stimulants?

6) Afri-Cola

This long-lasting Germancola has about 250mgs of caffeine per liter. That's a little less than a Red Bull, but in far tastier cola form. They actually tried to market a less potent version of Afri-Cola in Germany for a while, but sales immediately plummeted, so they cranked the content back up again. Why is it called "Afri-Cola?" No idea. It's hard to know since this cola is German, and it has now been nearly 80 years since it's original release. This means that this cola has some awesomely weird old commercials to it... like the one above.

5) Caffeinated Wild Turkey American Honey BBQ Sauce

How can you not like this from the title alone? Mind you, unlike the other items on this list, it is not a product you can buy, but a recipe you can make, so it requires some effort. Therefore, if you feel too lazy to make this, take one of the other items on this list and find the energy. I mean, you've got pretty much the three basic American food groups here - caffeine, barbecue and booze. You're going to get buzzed, drunk and fat IN ONE CONVENIENT SUBSTANCE! You can't really get much better than this unless you dropped a hamburger in a giant mug of beer and chugged it while inhaling ground French roast.

4) Surge/Urge/Vault

So, in 1996, Coke decided that Pepsi's Mountain Dew needed a competitor. So, starting off in Norway, they test marketed their own citrus-y, extra-caffeinated beverage called Urge. After it was successful, it was brought to the states as Surge. I guess maybe "Urge" was too vaguely sexual -- there's a rule not about naming anything for Americans with anything vaguely sexual, less our repressed selves tear off our clothes and start humping the sidewalks. In any case, they ran it until about 2002 here in the States and then decided to just yoink it off our shelves. Caffeine addicts protested, going as far as to make a whole online organization dedicated to it. The Pepsi deities answered in 2005 with the release of a soda that contained the same ingredients as Surge, but with more caffeine, known as Vault. It contains at least 70mg per 12 oz bottle, which is more than Mountain Dew's 55mg for the same fluid content. So, not only did addicts get what they want, they got more! Go addicts.

3) Civet Crap Choice Coffee


This coffee (also known as Kopi luwak) is harvested after going through the digestive system of a Civet, a tiny furry little bastard that lives in Sumatra, Indonesia. It looks like this:


If you are wondering WHY at one point someone said "Hey, let's make coffee from rodent crap," well, it came about during Dutch colonial times. The Dutch allowed the native people of the Dutch East Indies to cultivate the coffee beans, but not keep any. You know, because they were so nice. The natives found a loophole - take the beans from civet crap, since there were no restrictions on brewing crap. The beans are, cleaned, roasted, and cleaned again and thus makes for some of the world's most expensive coffee. Not only is a little mammal that eats raw coffee beans hard to follow, the enzymes in the little creature's gut take all the bitter acid right out and make for a coffee that is, by most reviews, oddly fantastic. Really!

2) Blast Caffeine

Right, so cocaine is illegal. But raw, powdered caffeine? Nope! So you can get this little container of 11 grams of pure caffeine, or the caffeine content of 100 cups of coffee. That's right, a hundred. Will this kill you if you ingest the whole container in one sitting? ABSOLUTELY. You are only supposed to ingest this in tiny amounts, usually mixed into a "shake," with a recommendation to take no more than five "shakes" a day, with "shakes" being an appropriate term for this. This is pretty much about as far as you can take caffeine addiction to where it crosses the line from "recreational" to "AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" This much crack cocaine would get you at least 10 years in prison. This, you can buy for less than $15 dollars. What a crazy country!

1) Black Blood of the Earth

So a nerd decided to mess around with a variety of scientific apparatus and came up with a substance that puts all the caffeine in two pots of coffee into one 3-5 oz size. This was done because the Berkeley-based scientist behind it got diabetes and was trying to way to make his coffee sweet without sugar. So, through a secret process of vacuums and flasks and science, he achieved his goal - in concentrating coffee to such a small amount, it gets rid of most of the acid, and allows the natural sweetness to come through. The downside is that this will kill you if you take too much of it. Black Blood of the Earth has 40 times as much caffeine as a regular cup of coffee. The official site recommends you have no more than 3.5 ounces of Black Blood a day -- less than a third a can of soda. Otherwise you've gotten rid of the sugar, but you may need a coffin.