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Wednesday, August 3, 2011



Squeeeee! I love cupcakes! I love them so much I’m going to open my own boutique bakery! But only if I can fit it in around my daily thrifting and passion for hammering out handmade fascinators! But for now, let’s just have a cupcakes and appletinis party! We can watch Bridget Jones together and then sit in a circle talking to our vaginas in a hand mirror! Exclamation marks!
Actually, I truly believe that it is possible to eat a cupcake without being a twee dick about it. New wave liberated Stepford wife retro femininity bullshit is not really my bag, and I maintain that you don’t have to wear a floral dress to bake. You can wear a cum- and lager-stained Snuggie. So there.
Bacon Cupcakes
As I’ve said before, bacon is the porn of the meat world. Everything can be improved by adding bacon. I know this recipe sounds really gross, and to be honest, the piggy dripping you’re gonna be slapping in is gross. You have to think of it as an all-in-one breakfast. Like this. Yum.
Pack of bacon rashers
Leftover bacon-y drippings
¼ - cup of unsalted butter
1 - egg
¼ - cup of brown sugar
¼ - cup of maple syrup
1 ¼ - cup of self-raising flour
½ - tsp of baking powder
1/3 - cup of milk
For the icing…
1/3 - cup of butter
1 - tbspn of maple syrup
1 - tsp of vanilla essence
1 - cup of icing sugar
More bacon
Step 1.
Fry your bacon rashers until they’re extra crispy. Be sure to waft the evaporating bacon water into your hair and the pores of your face, as seen in Fig. 1. When you shower later and the water drips down into your mouth, it’ll be like you got to eat it twice! Oh, and remember, you’re saving the elixir of life that is the leftover piggy dripping.

Step 2.

Once your rashers are cool, go at your meat pile with a knife and set aside. Clean off the knife, too, it’ll come in handy later when you’re hacking into your chest to perform a DIY heart bypass.

Step 3.

Put the butter, sugar, syrup, and fatty bacon slush you rescued from the pan earlier into a bowl and beat off… the mixture. Mmmm.

Step 4.

Whisk in the egg. It will look like cat vomit at this point. You’re going to have to power through that.

Step 5.

Sieve in the rest of your dry ingredients.

Step 6.

Slop in the milk and fold together till it stops looking like something Shane MacGowan just spit up.

Step 7.


Step 8.

Plop your porky blobfish into ruffs and bake for 20 minutes at 350f.

Step 9.

OK, they’re wonky because they’re “rustic.” Just like my breasts.

Step 10.

The frosting is un-fuckupable. Just dump all the ingredients in a bowl and whisk. If you start worrying about prissy shit like piping, you’re probably not gonna enjoy the phrase “garnish with bacon.” More eating, less making stuff look pretty.
There you have it, both the perfect hangover cure AND a majestic army of bacon beauties. As always, eat alone on the kitchen floor with a Lactulose chaser.

Read the rest at Vice Magazine: GIRL MEETS FOOD - BACON CUPCAKES - Viceland Today