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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Top 20 Most Anticipated Movies of 2011

by Neal - Johns Hopkins

COED’s Most Anticipated Movies of 2010 hailed the film adaptation of “Arrested Development” as the most eagerly awaited release. Talk about your all-time c*cktease. Looking at this year’s tentative slate of box office hopefuls, you might think Hollywood is unoriginal. WHAT?!? I hear you say. I know. Shocking. Lots of sequels, threequels, prequels, and Squeakwels (thanks, Alvin). You might also notice some big budget flicks have been passed over like a Jewish holiday. Even with with Rosie Huntington-Whiteley replacing Megan Fox, Transformers 3 has no chance of erasing the soiled diaper that was Revenge of the Fallen. We omitted the 18 Twilights set to release because we’re not tweens. Potters, Spy Kids, Lycans, and pretty much anything animated had to take it outside, take it outside. Even Death missed the list and that dude never misses. On the brink were Aziz Ansari’s first lead role in “30 Minutes Or Less”, The Farrelly Brothers’ “Hall Pass”, Ron Howard’s collabo with Vince Vaughn and Kevin James “Cheaters”, and the inspiring romcom “Cabin in the Woods.”

20. The Green Hornet

Studio: Sony Pictures
Director: Michel Gondry (Be Kind Rewind, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Human Nature)
Cast: Seth Rogen, Cameron Diaz, Edward James Olmos, Edward Furlong, Tom Wilkinson
Scheduled Release Date: 1/14/2011

Hmm, this nontraditional superhero flick just missed COED’s most anticipated list for 2010, so what happened? With Seth Rogen and Michel Gondry on the payroll, how could this get delayed six months? Originally tabbed for a late June 2010 release, the Sony Pictures project caught a case of the 3-D bug, not to be confused with The Human Centipede bug that causes movies to eat their own… never mind. So, the studio decided to re-purpose the footage for 3-D projection but why push to mid-January? Isn’t that a death knell for releases? The highest grossing opening weekend was Cloverfield in ’08 coming in at $40 or so million and that was made for about $25 mil. The script’s penned by Rogen and partner Evan Goldberg (Superbad, Pineapple Express), so this should be interesting. Diaz plays the love interest of a leaner, meaner Rogen and Ed “Motherf*cking” Furlong rises like a phoenix from the ashes to play Tupper. His last role in a “big” movie was 1999′s “Detroit Rock City” and “American History X”.


19. Green Lantern

Studio: Warner Brothers
Director: Martin Campbell (GoldenEye, Casino Royale, Edge of Darkness)
Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Mark Strong, Blake Lively, Peter Sarsgaard, Tim Robbins
Scheduled Release Date: 6/17/2011

Did I just go back-to-back Green on Green? Oh no he didn’t! Oh, I believe I did. And there’s good reason for it, too. Seems like every time you have movies closely mirroring each other – even on the most simplistic level (in this case, superheroes and the color green) – you confuse people. Dante’s Peak vs. Volcano in 1997, Deep Impact vs Armageddon in 1998, Aladdin vs. Prince of Persia Sands of Time. The list goes on. Yes, the dedicated hoards of fanboys expressed their allegiances, but what about the sheep? Who’s more bad-ass: a dude who wears a ring (every fist begins with ‘F’?) to give him powers or the guy with the Asian sidekick? Lantern has a more conventional superhero blockbuster aesthetic with Ryan Reynolds and his superheroic physique combined with a summer release some six months after people hopefully (for Lantern) forget Hornet. With Reynolds also starring in Deadpool, which is rumored to release in 2011, will (simpler) audiences have trouble following? Seeing as Chris Evans can be the Human Torch and Captain America, I guess studios think they won’t. Many critics feel this shouldn’t be a movie. Do you agree?

Check out the realest fake trailer ever:


18. Horrible Bosses

Studio: Warner Brothers
Director: Seth Gordon (“King of Kong”, November 2010′s “Freakonomics”)
Cast: Jennifer Aniston, Colin Farrell, Jamie Foxx, Jason Bateman, Jason Sudeikis, Charlie Day
Scheduled Release Date: 7/29/2011

Talk about WB bringing out the big guns for this dark comedy – they’ve assembled the dynamic duo from the Miami Vice remake (Farrell and Foxx), the “Wild Card” from “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” (Charlie Day), Jenna Maroney impersonator and SNL’s Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis), and Dark Comedy Knight Master Bateman. Topping it off is leading lady in every romcom ever, cougalicious Jen Aniston playing “her raunchiest role yet.” How can you miss it? I’ve been saying for years that you have to unleash her inner ho. Every trailer you see with Aniston you know A) she’s gonna pout B) she’ll have her heart-broken and C) it’s not her fault or if it is you’ll empathize with her because of A and B. You want to tap into the American male market? Go flip mode on us. Give bad girls gone good and good girls gone bad. Lady – street. Freak — bed. I want to bathe in this laugh riot soup and dry off in a d*ck towel. Oh, the plot features “three friends who hate their jobs and decide to murder each other’s bosses.” Like a darker version of “Nine To Five” but with d00dz. Count me in.


17. Red Riding Hood

Studio: Warner Bros.
Director: Catherine Hardwicke (Twilight, Lords of Dogtown, Thirteen)
Cast: Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Shiloh Fernandez, Carmen Lavigne, Jen Halley
Scheduled Release Date: 4/22/2011

Ever seen “Thirteen”? It stars Marilyn Manson plaything Evan Rachel Wood as bad ass jailbait who likes to steal stuff, take painkillers and get punched in the face. It’s heartwarming and uplifting. Anyway, Catherine Hardwicke directed that award-winning indie and now she has her sights set on lensing another adolescent girl, only this time the chick’s generally known in Fable Land as an airhead. Will David Johnson’s script give her more of an edge like this chick? Well, for starters she falls for an orphaned woodcutter (generally known as the bad boy of medieval townsfolk) and has to avoid / conquer a werewolf that terrorizes her village. Also, how awesome is Gary Oldman? he could play ever male role in this pic and nail it. Plus, film’s produced by Leo. That dude does not get involved in things that suck (unless it’s really really really smoking hot models).


16. Born To Be A Star

Studio: Sony Pictures
Director: Pro Bowl New England Patriots QB Tom Brady (not really, but that’s his name)
Cast: Christina Ricci, Don Johnson, Stephen Dorff, Pauly Shore, Nick Swardson, Justin Timberlake, Hilary Duff
Scheduled Release Date: 4/22/2011

“A kid from the Midwest moves out to Hollywood in order to follow in his parents’ footsteps — and become a porn star.” This cumedy from Sony Pictures raises several questions: Has porn become mainstream? Is it no longer taboo? Are we no longer allowed to be ashamed of that folder labeled, “DO NOT OPEN” in “My Videos“? I mean, people are watching it at work, 95% of semi-SFW men’s sites have at least one article on it per week (stop looking at us!). This premise isn’t so shocking as it would’ve been in the 70s or 80s. Had it been made then it’d probably be a drama since the subject matter is so controversial. My hopes are Christina Ricci gets all Black Snake Moan on us and makes me remember why I get up in the morning (besides to p*ss excellence) – to work my tail off so one day I can afford to buy her a ring. And not that Green Lantern sh*t either! The pseudo skin flick was originally scheduled to release in early September but my assumption is they’re retooling it to be in 3-D. Then it and you can both OPEN WIDE!


15. Contagion

Studio: Warner Bros.
Director: Steven Soderbergh (Michael Clayton, A Scanner Darkly, Syriana)
Cast: Matt Damon, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow, Marion Cotillard, Laurence Fishburne
Scheduled Release Date: 10/21/2011

Once you wipe the spunk off your face from watching Born To Be a Star in 3D, you can then enjoy a deadly virus! That’s right Contagion, “an action-thriller centered on the threat posed by a deadly disease and an international team of doctors contracted by the CDC to deal with the outbreak”, will come at ya in three dimensions as well. I can’t find anything wrong with this cast and Soderbergh always does a fantastic job of making me ask, “Is this real life?” like I’m a kid fresh out of dental surgery. My gut says this could be the next “Children of Men,” which has some of the most intensely real action scenes I’ve ever witnessed.


14. Immortals

Studio: Universal
Director: Tarsem Singh
Cast: Mickey Rourke, Kellan Lutz, Isabel Lucas, Henry Cavill, John Hurt, Stephen Dorff
Scheduled Release Date: 11/11/2011

Director Tarsem Singh’s last recognizable directing credit was a trippy mindf*ck about a psychotherapist called “The Cell” starring Jennifer Lopez. I had seizures watching the trailer and that was just from J Lo’s booty. Imagine what he can do with Mickey Rourke, Rourke’s affinity for unusual looking animals, and Greek mythology. On a side note, is Dorff vying for Comeback Actor of the Year? I might suffer from Dorfferload. Ew. I could never date Isabel Lucas. I’d be too worried our car would crash or she’d turn into a deception, which in turn would probably make our car crash. Either way, I don’t have insurance.


13. Real Steel

Studio: Disney
Director: Shawn Levy (Date Night, Night at the Museum 1 & 2, Cheaper by the Dozen, Just Married)
Cast: Evangeline Lilly, Kevin Durand, Hugh Jackman, Hope Davis
Scheduled Release Date: 11/18/2011

The title and the premise of this boxing drama pump me the F up. I mean, it’s Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots for adults! Then, I saw that Disney is distributing it and I sharted, then stabbed myself. Hey Mouse House, you don’t have apply a 15th coat of sugar to make something inspirational and emotional. Here’s to hoping Evangeline Lilly goes back to her Lost roots and does the love triangle thing with Durand (also on Lost, X-Men Origins: Wolverine) and Jackman. Considering director Shawn Levy’s track record, be prepared for a toothache. Still, the possibilities! If you had Fincher or Eastwood behind the camera and Warner Brothers distributing, this would put Terminator to shame.


12. Sucker Punch

Studio: Warner Bros.
Director: Zack Snyder (Watchmen, 300, Dawn of the Dead)
Cast: Vanessa Hudgens, Carla Gugino, Jena Malone, Jon Hamm, Michael Jai White, Emily Browning
Scheduled Release Date: 3/25/2011

The producers describe this effort from Watchmen and 300 director Zack Snyder as “Alice in Wonderland with machine guns” that blends dragons, B-52 bombers, and brothels. Um, I really have to wait ’til next f’n March to see this? Story follows “Baby Doll” (Emily Browning) who is imprisoned by her evil stepfather in a mental institution where he’s planned to lobotomize her in 5 days. To escape, she enters an alternate reality where she has to collect 5 objects before getting caught by some gnarly dude. She’s joined by her inmates as her imagination helps her make way in real life only to have the lines blurred. If there’s not a massive honey-drenched nude wrestling match in this, I will take umbrage, Mr. Snyder. Vanessa Hudgens‘ casting kind of throws me off, but then I see Carla Gugino and Jena Malone and all is well. You better bring it Vanessa, and not in that cheerleader kind of way either.


11. Drive Angry

Studio: Summit Entertainment
Director: Patrick Lussier (The Eye, My Bloody Valentine, Scream)
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Kaley Cuoco, Amber Heard, Katy Mixon
Scheduled Release Date: 2/11/2011

Nic Cage channels his Gone With 60 Seconds and Ghost Riders skills to chase down the dicks who terminated his daughter. Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco, Pineapple Express pretty little peach Amber Heard, and Eastbound & Down’s Katy Mixon provide you with eye candy so you don’t go all road rage on someone after the lights come on in the theater. Flick is sure to be a combination of 1975′s Death Race 2000 and 2007′s Grindhouse: Death Proof. You know that feeling you get in Grand Theft Auto when you’re kinda sick of trying to accomplish missions so you just gank the closest car and mow down as many pedestrians as possible? Prepare to see Nic Cage lose patience and enjoy the ride.


10. The Night Chronicles: Devil

Studio: Universal Pictures
Director: Drew Dowdle & John Erick Dowdle
Cast: Geoffrey Arend, Bojan Novakovic, Caroline Dhavernas, Chris Messina, Jacob Vargas
Scheduled Release Date: 2/11/2011

Not only does the Devil Wear Prada but he also takes many shapes and sizes; Elizabeth Hurley in Bedazzled, Al Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate, Harvey Keitel in Little Nicky, Jack Nicholson in The Witches of Eastwick, Peter Stormare (nihilist in Big Lebowski, goon in Fargo) in Constantine, and Gabriel Byrne in End of Days. The list goes on and on. So, with a story from M. Night Shyamalan about a group of people trapped an elevator who discover one of them is the devil, you have to figure there’s some kind of ridiculous twist. Like they’re all devils. And the guy who thinks he’s the devil is really God. Or the socialite’s chihuahua is an angel who must murder the innocents inside in order to prevent the devil from ever leaving hell. Or maybe the only food they have are devil dogs and the person who eats the last one becomes the Devil. Or maybe future Hall of Fame goalie Martin Brodeur from the New Jersey Devils is… M. Night Shyamalan.


9. X-Men: First Class

Studio: 20th Century Fox
Director: Matthew Vaughn (Kick-Ass, Layer Cake)
Cast: Aaron Johnson, James McAvoy
Scheduled Release Date: 6/3/2011

Out of all the Origins stories Marvel could tell in the X-Men franchise, I’m not too keen on Professor Wheelchair and Magnet Man. We saw a glimpse of Magneto’s origins in the first X-Men and I don’t exactly remember Sir Charles X ever getting the back story treatment. Matt Vaughn, who directed cult favorite Kick-Ass (that already has a sequel announced), will helm this project and it’s rumored his male lead in Kick-Ass Aaron Johnson will play Magneto while Wanted’s James McAvoy takes time out of his schedule to stop bending bullets with his gun and starts bending bullets with his mind. Mind control versus metal control. Mental vs. Metal. Brian vs. Bronze. Come to think of it, I’m getting more and more pumped with these opponents. I personally enjoyed seeing the evolution of Wolverine and Sabertooth from brothers to mortal enemies, but that deconstruction was muscle-backed physicality whereas this is more of high octane chess game.


8. Rise of the Apes

Studio: 20th Century Fox
Director: Rupert Wyatt
Cast: James Franco
Scheduled Release Date: 6/24/2011

The prequel to Planet of the Apes will feature James Franco as a genetic engineer whose work on the cure for Alzheimer’s leads to an inter-species battle for global dominance. I’ve always wondered what the hyper evolved and intelligent Planet of the Apes apes think of a gorilla like Amy from the movie Congo. Like is she considered to be the Timmy from South Park or Corky from Life Goes On? I saw Tim Burton’s remake of Planet of the Apes with Mark Wahlberg and Helena Bonham Carter in the theaters and I dug it when the leader of the funky bunch wasn’t panting and breathing heavily every scene. Who would you have in a nostril flaring contest – Franco or Wahlberg? Say hi to your mother for me.


7. Battle: Los Angeles

Director: Jonathan Liebesman (Darkness Falls, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning)
Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriquez, Michael Pena, Bridget Moynahan
Scheduled Release Date: 2/18/2011

This real-time war movie about a marine platoon’s defense against an alien invasion has been described as “Black Hawk Down meets Independence Day”. Sign. Me. Up. Tell me the soundtrack is Rage Against the Machine‘s Battle of Los Angeles and I’ll pay you for two tickets right now. The movie is based on a mysterious event that happened in Los Angeles during World War II in which the US military spotted UFOs and shot some down then blamed it on Al Qaeda or something. The event was labeled as a “false alarm” with “war nerves” used as an excuse for unleashing absolute hellfire on some weather balloons. As anyone ever seen a weather balloon? I wouldn’t be caught dead in one of those suckers, you get yer ass split by military grade weaponry.


6. Cowboys & Aliens

Studio: Universal Pictures
Director: Jon Favreau (Iron Man 1 & 2, Elf)
Cast: Daniel Craig, Olivia Wilde, Harrison Ford, Sam Rockwell
Scheduled Release Date: 7/29/2011

Based on the graphic novel series of the same name, this sci-fi western focuses on what happens when seven strangers are picked to live in-house and have their lives taped, when they stop being polite and start getting real. No, actually, it’s what happens when aliens land in mid-1800s Arizona aiming to take over the world and end up dealing with Lone Rangers, Sundance Kids, Wild Bills, Roy Rogers, Fighting Illini, Braves, and the Tribe. This is like the David vs. Goliath of primitive versus advanced civilizations. This exquisite dish has all the right ingredients for blockbuster pie with a healthy chunks of James Bond (Daniel Craig), some Han Solo / Indiana Jones seasoning (Harrison Ford), and a squirt or five of hot (possibly alien) Olivia Wilde Wilde West.


5. James Cameron Presents: Sanctum 3D

Studio: Universal Pictures
Director: Alister Grierson (5 movies I’ve never heard of but I’m sure they’re good)
Cast: Richard Roxburgh, Alice Parkinson, Rhys Wakefield, Dan Wyllie, Christopher Baker, Ioan Gruffudd

Scheduled Release Date: 3/11/2011
Anything with James Cameron’s name attached to it is going to make straight cash homey. You could release “James Cameron Presents Rectum” in 3-D and it could be just a toilet bowl shot of him taking a dump and it would gross $700 million worldwide. Hey folks, 3D’s been around for a while but you put out once blockbuster in that format and every Tom, Dick, and Harry Connick, Jr wants to follow suit. James opted not to his present his bunghole, instead he offers up a father and son expedition team that deep sea dive into “the least accessible cave system in the world” only to encounter life-threatening crises. Just slip the bouncer a $20 and offer to buy a bottle or two. That should take care of it.


4. Captain America: The First Avenger

Studio: Paramount Pictures
Director: Joe Johnston (The Wolfman, Hidalgo, Jurassic Park III, Jumanji, The Rocketeer)
Cast: Chris Evans, Samuel L. Jackson, Hugo Weaving, Tommy Lee Jones, Stanley Tucci, Hugo Weaving

Scheduled Release Date: 7/22/2011
The jury’s still out on Chris Evans as superhero just as it is for Ryan Reynolds. These actors are known for their quirky expressions and comedic chops, so to take them seriously as saviors is, well, going to take a heroic effort. I mean, when he saves the woman I fully expect him either rip a fart or sneeze on her. In case you’re unfamiliar with the Admiral USA story, it follows a soldier who’s discharged from military service and decides to volunteer for a top-secret research project, which ultimately turns him into the red, white, and blue brute you see to the left. America’s taken a real bad rap of late, so maybe this will turn the world’s POV around. I mean, I think even America hates America at this point. Should be nice to see a little pro-USA propaganda again. Joe Johnston’s track record is suspect, but it’s hard to f up a film with Samuel L. Jackson and Tommy Lee Jones.


3. Marvel’s Thor

Studio: Paramount Pictures
Director: Kenneth Branagh (1996′s Hamlet, 1994′s Frankenstein, 1993′s Much Ado About Nothing, 1989′s Henry V)
Cast: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins, Kat Dennings, Ray Stevenson, Rene Russo
Scheduled Release Date: 5/6/2011

I’m not comic book nerd, probably because I got ripped off on a bogus copy of Superman when I was in 6th grade, but, to me, Captain America ranks above Thor in popularity and awareness, yet this release seems to be hyped more. The movie poster alone gets the blood flowing. Kenneth Branagh as director? Interesting choice. He’s mostly helmed Shakesperean remakes, which I’d watch to skip reading the books/plays, but if he can bring that fiery acting intensity to a Hollywood blockbuster overflowing with CGI and special effects, you might be looking at the best Marvel pic of the bunch. If you’re only exposure to Thor is “Adventures in Babysitting” then you should probably know Thor is “a powerful but arrogant warrior whose reckless actions reignite an ancient war.” As punishment, he’s sent to Earth where he battles the most dangerous villain in the world, Spencer Pratt.


2. Super 8

Studio: Paramount
Director: J.J. Abrams (Lost, Cloverfield)
Cast: None announced. Not even rumored! SICK!!
Scheduled Release Date: 2011

I have a confession to make. I want to have J.J. Abrams’ baby. Yes, this even comes after the clusterf*ck that was the Lost finale. I lost days, weeks, and months at a time at work trying to figure out what the HELL Cloverfield was. I never watched Alias but moving forward if you want me to watch something, throw his name out there. I’ll bite. Not convinced yet? Not a JJA fan? I have two words for you: Spiel Berg. That’s right, the man who molded my childhood will produce what is sure to give theater audiences simultaneous orgasms. In true Abrams fashion, he’s not letting cats any out of any bags. All beans will remain unspilled. The only elements confirmed are the setting (1979), the genre (sci-fi, supernatural, mystery), and this radtastic trailer:


1. The Hangover 2

Studio: Warner Bros.
Director: Todd Phillips (Starsky & Hutch, Road Trip, Old School, Frat House, The Hangover)
Cast: Zach Galifinakis, Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms, Heather Graham, Justin Bartha
Scheduled Release Date: 5/26/2011

It doesn’t matter where I am, who I’m with, or what I’m doing, if I see “The Hangover” is on pay cable, basic cable, or a poster ad in the subway, I’m watching it all the way through to the end. I’ve been a fan of Todd Phillips ever since 2000′s “Road Trip” and it’s been a bucket list item of mine to have one unforgettable cameo in one of his movies. The entire main cast is confirmed to return and rumor is Zach Efron makes an appearance. Well, if Vanessa Hudgens can be in a Zack Snyder film, I don’t see why Zef can’t get absolutely abused in Hangover 2. I mean, he needs to be kicked, punched, spat on, vomited on, peed on, dragged through garbage, and pushed to the absolute limit of human suffering for the audience to get on board with him being in the film. Then, he saves the day (by sacrificing his life).


No Bad Movies November 9, 2010 at 8:31 PM  

Steven Soderbergh did not direct Syriana ( Stephen Gaghan ) Michael Clyton ( Tony Gilroy ) or A Scanner Darkly ( Richard Linklater )

But no worries, we all make mistakes. Your thinking is in the right place.

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