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Wednesday, January 6, 2010

5 Types of People You’ll Meet at IKEA

Not long ago I found myself making my first ever solo journey to IKEA.  Soon after making it through the entrance I was surprised to see the many similarities our modern culture shares with the ancient Romans.
IKEA is incredibly intimidating.  If you’ve ever gotten lost in a supermarket as a toddler, you’ll know what this feels like.  The first thing you will try to do is find your mom’s hand.  However, once you realize that you’re alone, panic will begin to set in.  Today we’re going to give you a run down of the 5 types of people you’ll more than likely cross paths with while you’re lost and wandering around this hell hole for several hours.
The Mother of 3
mom-and-kids-shingwedz copy

Armed with a stroller, a hand bag, and three screaming kids this woman is probably the most dangerous person in IKEA. Lack of English skills and funds won’t stop this young lady from her goal of finding a new bedroom set/playpen combo.  Unfortunately she’ll learn that bartering doesn’t work so well in this country, and will /ragequit out of the store at an even faster pace than she entered.

The Boyfriend Who Is Being Forced

The hardest thing about being a loyal boyfriend is the amount of ultimatums you’re eventually hit with. Let’s look at a quick example.
“Get rid of that nasty jersey”
“But honey I like it”
“Cool, no sex for you”
The boyfriend who was forced to shop at IKEA with his GF is in pure misery.  His facial expression matches that of a dog which has just been roughed over pretty hard, but didn’t quite die.  He’s sort of just waddling around with that “please shoot me” look in his eyes, all while contemplating if his old lady is worth the agony.
The Husband Who Was Lied To
depressed guy

The deceived husband was told that they were shopping for a TV stand and some racks for his power tools, but ended up in the bathroom section looking at the daffodil curtains that his wife waved in front of his face.  The defeated husband will teeter on the border of depression and rage until he drinks his pain away watching the late game on ESPN. 

The Old Man
old man

This guy is freshly retired and really doesn’t know what to do with all of his free time.  He’ll make several trips to this store for the breakfast specials alone.  After that he’ll sort of walk around aimlessly and try to find a way to be helpful.  He can usually tell you more about the product you’re looking at than the actual employees.

The Young Couple
bf is sad
The young couple has just made a big step in their relationship.  This pair of lovebirds is made up of one eager girl and one terrified guy.  While she is tugging at his hand, dreaming of a cozy living room and the possibility of babies, he is slowly feeling his hopes and dreams fade away.  The whole scene resembles something you’d see on “Crocodile Hunter.”  At first the croc will splash around being wild and dangerous, but once Steve Erwin is able to clamp those jaws shut, he pretty much just sits around in misery waiting for it to end.
Conclusion: IKEA has a website, I’d recommend using it rather than making a personal appearance.  Seriously, a small piece of you will die.