Ranking The Superbowl Hookers

by El Presidente (elpresidente@barstoolsports.com)

Well according to the Smoking Gun, a ton of prostitutes have been arrested so far at the Superbowl. Shocker right? Anyway to say that they are the most disgusting collection of bitches in the history of mankind would be an understatement. But since it is the Superbowl I felt it was my duty to go and rank them all....

#16 - The Herp

Rumor has it that one Steeler fan upon arriving in Tampa and being solicited by this whore turned to his buddy and asked "Is this Heaven?"

#15 - The Thing

This is a "do you remember that weekend" type of prostitute. I bet 99% of her business comes from buddies playing pranks on their friends. I mean I don't even know what this thing is, but I guarantee you this much; 2 minutes with it will change your life forever.

#14 - The Romantic

This ho ain't even looking for money. She just wants some dick. I mean she totally went out and bought a fancy little black dress for the occasion. Probably set her back 3 months rent.

#13 - Patty

A legend in the prostitute game and still a monster on the senior circuit. Probably partied with Sinatra and slept with JFK. Sure, her pussy probably doesn't even work anymore, but she's still worth the price of admission just for the stories.

#12 - The Black Widow

Ah, the black widow. You knew she wouldn't miss a 50 year storm. Still one of the more controversial prostitutes out there. Lots of her competitors complain that using the massage table to lure in customers is like using steroids in baseball.

#11 - The Convict

Without a doubt this psycho was either just released from prison or just escaped from prison. Either way if you don't want to get robbed or mutilated I'd stay away from her.

#10 - The Single Mother

This slut clearly has like 17 kids at home. And she probably talks about them while you're fucking her too. No thanks. I don't pay for sex to get depressed and listen to bitches whine about how their home life sucks. I can get that for free.

#9 - The Intimidator

This chick is all business. She'll fuck you till you squeal, (maybe with her own dick) blow cigarette smoke in your face and ask questions later.

#8 - Eyebrows

Whatever you do with this bitch don't mention her eyebrows. Because she's totally normal until somebody mentions them and then she snaps and you're as good as dead.

#7 - The Minority

I'm a sucker for turquoise and tit tattoos. Always have been, always will be.

#6 - The Beehive

If this chick would gain some confidence and lose the beehive she could be a contender. It's too bad because she's a real catch in Tampa this week.

#5 - Ash Tray Money, Bro

This chick will rough fuck the shit out of you. Probably won't even give you time to put on a condom either. Just shove you down, bang you silly all while having a butt hanging out her mouth which will eventually burn you.

#4 - Straight Arrow Gennaro

The Straight Arrow Gennaro of prostitutes. Just a professional's professional. She 'll give you an honest fuck every time out an that's all you can really ask for in the prostitute game.

#3 - The Joe Montana Fan

All this bitch does is reminisce about how much better the "Pimp N Ho" game was back in the 80's and how she blew all her money on coke and 49ers gear, blah, blah, blah.

#2 - The Opportunist

You could do a lot worse than this chick. She may actually look presentable when not in jail. It wouldn't surprise me if some degenerate Steeler fan asks her to marry him before the weekend is out.

#1 - The Best of the Rest

The Rolls Royce of Hookers at the Superbowl this year. Sure it seems like she has two eardrums or something, but you don't fuck the ear. Well I guess you could if you were super kinky, but most people don't. I love the "Campus" shirt too. Nothing beats a "hip" prostitute.