Who Wants Police Academy 8? Anybody? Just You, Guttenberg?

by Stuart Heritage

The Police Academy movies were from a simpler time - a time when a man could make a noise like a toaster with his mouth and people thought it was good.

Of course, times have moved on since then - but nobody tell Steve Guttenberg. Guttenberg has decided that he’s ready to make Police Academy 8, even though that would obviously be the worst idea that any human has ever had.

Oh, and also Steve Guttenberg says he’s making another Three Men And A Baby movie, too. And Steve Guttenberg has forgotten to take his medicine. And he needs a lie down.

Alright everyone, it’s time to stop this belated sequel madness. Sylvester Stallone returning to make Rocky Balboa was actually a fairly decent idea. Harrison Ford returning to make Indiana Jones 4 was a stupid idea. Arnold Schwarzenegger thinking about Predator 3 is beyond a stupid idea. Steven Seagal wanting to make Under Siege 3 is - well, actually Steven Seagal wanting to make Under Siege 3 is a brilliant idea, but only if it can be set in space like he wants.

But Steve Guttenberg wanting to make Police Academy 8? Why? What possible reason could there ever be on the face of the earth for that to happen? What, did Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow leave any questions unanswered, other than the obvious ‘Why do I feel the compulsive urge to run home and scrub myself clean the second I’ve finished watching this?’

And yet Police Academy 8 is happening. Or at least it’s happening in Steve Guttenberg’s mind, which is slightly different to real life because in his mind Steve Guttenberg is still famous, people still care about anything Steve Guttenberg has to say and the national anthem of the entire planet is the full four-minute theme-tune to the Commodore 64 videogame adaptation of Short Circuit.

But, yes, Steve Guttenberg is really getting a script together for Police Academy 8. And it’ll reunite all the old gang, too - Steve Guttenberg, the man who makes the funny noises with his mouth, the short lady, the dead one with the guns, the unusually tall man, the sexy one with the big boobs who’ll be a pensioner by the time Police Academy 8 ever gets made - even the two actresses for which the Police Academy movies were an unfortunate blip on the path to bigger and better things, as Empire reports:

“We are doing a new movie and it is going to be great fun. A script is being written and so far it is really great, everyone from the original movies who is still around will return. I know Kim [Cattrall, who starred in the original] and Sharon [Stone, the love interest of Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol] have been asked but they haven’t said yes yet. It would be really great to have them on board.”

They haven’t said yes yet? Is that because they were too busy shouting “Hey Guttenberg, I’m not going to tell you again! If you don’t get off my lawn immediately I’ll have you arrested! And put some clothes on, for crying out loud!”? Maybe we’ll never know.

As well as Police Academy 8, Steve Guttenberg seems convinced that he’s going to re-team with Ted Danson and Tom Selleck to make a third Three Men And A Baby movie too. But why stop there, Steve? Why not make a new Short Circuit movie where Johnny 5 starts a bloody turf war with a family of Honda Asimos? Or another Cocoon starring Jessica Tandy’s corpse and the ghost of your film career? Huh? Huh, Steve? Huh?