ABC to Premier Dancing With The Guards

Reby Sky (on probation for resisting arrest) is an early favorite.

It’s no secret that ABC’s primetime ratings suck. It’s also no secret that one of their biggest hits is the reality show Dancing With The Stars, which features C-list celebrities, actors, singers and jocks doing ballroom dancing. And ABC airs this thing several nights a week.

But that’s just not enough to save the network. They needed something else to save them from the poor ratings. Then last week, that something happened. Indy race car driver Helio Castroneves was arrested and indicted for tax fraud. Castroneves, for the uninitiated, is also a former winner of Dancing With The Stars.

Thus was born ABC’s new program, to premier in November, Dancing With The Guards, a dancing reality show which will follow various C-list celebrities, actors, singers and jocks in a jailhouse dancing competition. And thanks to our contacts with ABC, here’s a list of the competitors.

Heather Locklear: The actress and former star of Dynasty and Melrose Place was arrested for DUI last week. If she gets cleaned up, she should provide a little sex appeal.

Ryan O’Neal: Ironically, the former Oscar nominee actor, whose last role was of the prison-bound father of the Temperance Brennan character on Bones, was recently arrested and charged with drug possession. And he just happens to be the father of actress Tatum O’Neal, who besides having her own drug arrest problems, is also a former Dancing With The Stars contestant.

Mindy McCready: The former mistress of Roger Clemens and failed country singer was recently sentenced to 60 days behind bars for violating her probation arising from a 2004 drug possession conviction. She has some experience with swaying behind a microphone and could surprise if she gets the Rocket’s support.

Travis Henry: The former NFL running back was arrested last week for conspiring to distribute cocaine. He must have been trying to find someway to pay the child support for all of his kids. If he can get the votes of his kids, he could be a surprise underdog.

Amy Winehouse: The songstress may not want to go to rehab, I say no, no, no. But she’s been arrested a few times, and there are probably a few more arrests yet to come. There’s no telling what she can do if she’s sober.

Quinton “Rampage” Jackson: The former heavyweight Ultimate Fighting Champ was arrested and charged with several felony counts for fleeing arrest after wrecking into several vehicles. Big men generally don’t do well in this contest, so he’ll probably be an early elimination.

Lisa Nowak: She’s everybody’s all-time favorite astronaut who supposedly attempted to kidnap a woman who was dating the guy who Nowak was having an affair with. And if she’s crazy enough to wear diapers while driving so that she wouldn’t have to stop, then there’s no telling what she will do to win this competition.

O.J. Simpson: Everybody’s favorite Heisman trophy winner was found guilty of kidnapping and armed robbery last week in a bizarre case involving memorabilia which once belonged to Simpson. Simpson was known for his evasive moves on the playing field, and the courthouse, so he should be a favorite in the competition.

Reby Sky: I know you’re asking, but there’s always someone in this competition who nobody knows. Sky is a former Playboy model who is also supposedly an actress and dancer. She’s also the QB for the Lingerie Football League’s Tampa Breeze. And she’s currently on probation for resisting arrest last December. This is the odds-on early favorite among the women.

Helio Castroneves: He’s not in jail, yet. But as a favor to ABC, he’s agreed to compete – besides, he might need the extra cash for the IRS. As a former Dancing With The Stars champion, he’s the easy favorite.

-- John Royal