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PSA: A New, Nameless Hot Paraguay Soccer Fan Has Burst Onto the Scene

From: brobible.com

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Larissa Riquelm, who recently pledged to run naked if her country won this year's Copa America, now officially has some competition as the hottest and, um, 'biggest', Paraguayan soccer fan in the world. During Saturday's match against Brazil (which ended in a 2-2 draw), this busty bombshell was spotted in the crowd, showing humongous support for Paraguay's National Team. No word yet on whether or not she's a model, but we wouldn't be surprised. More pics below and stay tuned, this important hot babe story is developing!

Seriously, a banana!

10 Awesome Homemade Slip n’ Slide Videos

by Justin Thomas
from http://egotvonline.com/

Summer is a time for fun in the sun, but sometimes that fun is hard to come by. If you’re not lucky enough to live near a beach or a lake, sometimes you have to improvise. Luckily, all you need for a great afternoon of summer fun is a hill, some water, and about 150 feet of plastic tarp to build an awesome slip n’ slide. Here are 10 Awesome Slip n’ Slide videos to show you how it’s done, and sometimes how it’s not done.

A wonderful guide to 11 Oz films you may be seeing in theaters soon

From: http://blastr.com/

Fairy-tale fever seems to have struck Hollywood, with all signs pointing to the hallowed green halls of the Emerald City. Oz has suddenly become the premier destination for a battalion of producers, directors and studios stampeding to stake their claim for the next lucrative franchise from the lands of children's literature.
An avalanche of sequels, prequels and just plain freaky distortions of the original material looms just over the rainbow, including live action, CGI, stop-motion animation, classically adapted, steampunk renditions, dark takes and contemporary visitations. Nothing is sacred in the magical land of Oz anymore.

Warner Brothers just won a copyright infringement case on Oz-related merchandise that could give them the upper hand as these icons return to the screen. The ruling states that filmmakers who wish to create a new version of a literary work—even one in the public domain—must be careful not to use copyrightable elements of characters that first appeared in protected motion picture versions of the works, meaning screenwriters and directors will have to craft their characters carefully without trading on previous renderings. Easier said than done, Dorothy.

As with our feature on Frankenstein projects in the laboratory, many of these Oz projects will get lost, trip or stumble, never making it to the screen. Whatever the results, that swirling crystal ball is showing there may be a whole lotta Oz in your future. One thing is certain ... ruby slippers, flying monkeys, charlatan wizards and feuding wicked witches are steadily marching toward Tinseltown.

Here's Hollywood's current Oz lineup so you can click your heels and keep score at home ...

OZ, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL

The most visible of all Oz projects in development. Disney swung hard and hired Spider-Man director Sam Raimi to command this prequel centering on the legendary wizard (James Franco), telling the story of a carnival barker who accidentally discovers the magical land of Oz and is mistaken for a sorcerer.

Robert Downey Jr. was attached to star, but commitments to Sherlock Holmes 2 and The Avengers delayed production and he exited. Rachel Weisz is negotiating to play Evanora, the wicked broom rider of the East opposite Black Swan's Mila Kunis as Theadora, the nasty one of the West. (Who knew they had names?) Michelle Williams plays sugary-sweet Glinda, and affable Zach Braff is the great Oz's faithful assistant.

Danny Elfman does the score! Shooting starts July with a planned March 2013 release.

DOROTHY OF OZ

Set to open in theaters in spring 2012, this lavish animated version comes from indie studio Summertime Entertainment and is directed by Disney animation veteran Dan St. Pierre. An awesome voice cast includes Glee's Lea Michele as Dorothy, Dan Aykroyd as the Scarecrow, Kelsey Grammer as the Tin Man and James Belushi as the Cowardly Lion.

The cartoon outing is based on an original story by Baum's grandson Roger S. Baum, as Dorothy returns to Oz to help her friends defeat an evil entity known as the Jester. Sappy Canadian pop star Bryan Adams has written songs for the project. Ouch, that cuts like a knife.

THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ

John Boorman (Deliverance, Excalibur), whose 1974 sci-fi film Zardoz was inspired by Baum's book, enters the mix with a big-budget CGI-animated version of The Wizard of Oz with no catchy dance numbers, primed for a 2012 release. The British director states they're still deep in production and word is the story is dark.

This will be Boorman's first animated feature and the script was written by Ron Mita and Jim McClain (Robots). Baum's material is ripe for creative interpretation and Boorman, who deftly adapted Malory's Le Morte d'Arthur for his visionary King Arthur epic, may strike gold again.

OZ: RETURN TO THE EMERALD CITY

Here's the second of Warner's two Oz flicks in the works. In this modern-day sequel, Chicago lawyer Dorothy Neil, granddaughter of the original Dorothy, is whisked away to Oz with her boss's daughter where they team up with the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion to take down a tyrannical witch who threatens to destroy all the magic in Oz. (Why do they ALWAYS do that?)

This project originated back when comic artist Todd McFarlane offered Thunder Road Productions an Oz film based on his "Twisted Land Of Oz" toy line. Thunder Road passed but decided to develop an Oz update of their own. Screenwriter Josh Olson (A History Of Violence) pitched them a family-friendly fastball right down the plate and Warner was in love. Producer Basil Iwaynk (The Town, Clash of the Titans) could direct.

TWISTED LAND OF OZ

This is one we'd truly sign away our immortal souls to see. It's a project based on Spawn-daddy Todd McFarlane's disturbingly cool line of Oz action figures that debuted in 2003. The horrific playthings feature a sexy, S&M Dorothy, monstrous Tin Man, a savage Cowardly Lion and demonic Scarecrow along with an entire demented host of supporting characters. This one is definitely somewhere WAY, WAY over the rainbow.

According to McFarlane, the script is currently getting some second draft revisions but thinks his sick toybox might be a little too scary for Warner Brothers to embrace. Scary? Wait, we love scary!!

 WICKED

Gird yourselves for Universal's musical adaptation of Gregory Maguire's best-selling novel. It's an origin story that tells how the Wicked Witch of the West became Oz enemy number one. Wicked opened on Broadway in 2003 and is still packin' 'em in every night. Kristin Chenoweth originated the glittering role of Glinda in the stage show and will surely reprise it in the big screen version with Wicked star Idina Menzel.

Wicked writer, Winnie Holzman has finished the screenplay but no casting choices have been finalized. JJ Abrams, James Mangold (Walk The Line) and Rob Marshall (Chicago) have been discussed as directors for the girl-power gala.

DARK OZ

The sinister Caliber Comics Oz series was first optioned way back in 2008, with Pearry Teo set to direct and Pras Michel of The Fugees lined up to star. Teo has visions of giving the film a decisive steampunk look, distinguishing the project from the scrambling mob of similar versions. Scriptwise, Dorothy returns to Oz to find that it is under the spell of three evil kings- the Scarecrow, the Lion and the Tin Man! This production is currently on hold pending financing and distribution issues.

SURRENDER DOROTHY

We first heard of this project in 2002, with Drew Barrymore attached to star from an Oz-inspired script written by Zach Helm (Stranger Than Fiction). Similar to Oz: Return To The Emerald City, Barrymore would play a descendant of the original Dorothy Gale, who has to stop the original and still-living Wicked Witch of the West from taking over the kingdoms of Oz and Earth, using the atomic power of her ruby slippers.

It was announced last year that Barrymore was thinking of directing the film as a follow-up to 2009's Whip It. Munchkins on rollerskates? Hmm, she may have something there.

LAND OF OZ

The other Wizard of Oz film being developed at Warner Brothers under their New Line banner. Shrek Forever After screenwriter Darren Lemke is adapting the original novel in the series as a faithful, non-musical version.

Brought to you by Temple Hill, the production company behind the Twilight saga, Oz skips back to where it all began and reportedly follows the book page for page. Rumors say this one's head may be on the emerald chopping block if Warner passes.

OZ WARS

This one has a high salivation factor. Oz Wars is a new stop-motion animated film set within the vast fantasy world first visited in The Wizard Of Oz. The project is fronted by The Corpse Bride co-director Mike Johnson and merrily joins the crowded competition.

Variety reports Vanguard Films will be producing the movie. Johnson was quoted as saying: "It's an animated action-adventure story, but unlike most animated films, it's not just for kids. The Land of Oz will be reimagined using stop-motion to create a world that's dark, slick, sexy and dangerous." Really? You had us at dark!

THE WITCHES OF OZ

This baby is in the can and awaiting a distribution deal. Originally set for television, it may get a 3-D release in theaters or be destined for the direct-to-video bin. It's another sequel to the first book and follows successful children's author Dorothy Gale as she discovers her stories about a magical land are actually repressed childhood memories. Sean Astin, Billy Boyd, Christopher Lloyd and Lance Henriksen star opposite newcomer Paulie Rojas as Dorothy. Writer/ director Leigh Scott is known for his cheap, knockoff films like Transmorphers, but behind-the-scenes clips show there were a few bucks spent on the production.

Exhausted? That's an army of Oz assaulting us over the next few years. Which one do you think will move on down the yellow brick road?

Can Facebook and Google+ Coexist?

The two Internet giants are going head-to-head in a social networking battle, but cooperation could be the key to their survival.

By Megan Geuss,

PCWorld    Jul 11, 2011 9:30 pm

Like oil and water or like peanut butter and jelly? Google+, the search giant’s new social network, has everyone in the tech industry speculating about whether it’s "the Facebook Killer."

The death of MySpace seems to prove that people have room in their lives for only one social network, one profile page. After all, how many different places do you need to announce your favorite TV shows? How many different places do you need to share your witty thoughts?

On the other hand, Twitter proved that "social" can come in different forms--and 140 characters is more appropriate for some witty thoughts than for others. Twitter also allows users to link certain posts to their Facebook page if they wish, meaning that if the social networks could restrain themselves from treating social networking as a zero-sum game, everyone might win.

Of course, Google and Facebook haven't played nice lately, and they probably won't now. Google has tried to index public Facebook pages for its searches, inciting the ire of Facebook, which earlier this year hired a PR company to pitch Google-negative stories to the press. And Facebook's recent partnering with Skype to compete with Google+’s Hangouts suggests that each Internet giant has the other in its crosshairs.

Theory 1: They Can Coexist Independently

Though all-out war between the two companies seems imminent (if it hasn't already begun), Google’s executive chairman (and former CEO as of this April) Eric Schmidt thinks that there’s more than enough room for the two companies to exist independently. According to a July 7 Reuter’s article, Schmidt said that Google+ will succeed just as Facebook and Twitter have because demand for entry into Google+ is high, and because Hangouts--Google’s multiperson video chat feature--is very popular with younger users.

The response is a familiar one from Schmidt, who told 60 Minutes back in 2005 that Google believed it could coexist with Microsoft’s relatively new Bing search client. Because of Google’s size and search accuracy, the company never seems to break a sweat in public, insisting that identical services can exist in tandem. But that talk might just be a PR ploy: Google and Microsoft do compete head-to-head for search advertising dollars, just as Facebook and Google+ will in the social network arena. In June, the Federal Trade Commission launched an antitrust probe into Google’s dealings, concerned that the company may exercise too much control over what we see on the Web.

Despite their face-off, both Google and Facebook have massive user bases (and a massive potential user base in the case of Google+) so it’s entirely likely that the two can and will coexist. Smaller companies such as LiveChat, which builds software for companies to offer customer service through video chat, are expecting both social networks to succeed and thrive, and are strategizing accordingly. Mariusz Cieply, the CEO of LiveChat, says that his company hopes to offer its services through both Facebook and Google+ in the near future, so that companies can, for example, provide post-sales tech support through video over Facebook or Google Hangouts. “It will be great to have both Facebook and Google Plus,“ Cieply says. “We will start with Facebook first, but we see a huge opportunity with Google Hangouts.”

The idea that Google+ and Facebook can offer people different types of social media and therefore coexist without endless hostilities isn’t crazy. People have created channels on YouTube, profiles on Twitter, AIM screen names, Flikr albums, and Tumblr pages. Surely there’s room for one more?

 
If Tom from MySpace, and Mark Zuckerberg from Facebook, are on Google+ then maybe everyone can get along after all.

Theory 2: They Can Coexist Only If They’re Willing to Work Together

Many industry experts believe that the ability of Google+ and Facebook to coexist will depend on how well the two companies connect with one another. Jason Shellen, head of AIM products at AOL, sees the Google+ vs. Facebook battle as a familiar story--after all, AIM coexisted with MSN messenger, and now is trying to reinvent itself to compete with Facebook chat and Gchat (the Google Mail chat client) by allowing users to set up video chats without any login or account beyond an AOL-generated URL, and AIM hopes that that URL will be shared and embedded on Facebook and Google+ walls.

“We’ve made it so you can go to Gchat and add an AIM buddy,” Shellen says of AIM’s coexistence strategy. “We federate and talk together; sometimes this false walled-garden thing doesn’t need to be that difficult.” Certainly that worked for Twitter, whose hashtags and 140-character tweets can be linked to just about every other social media hub, from Facebook to YouTube channels.


In this respect, however, Google+ is at a disadvantage. In the same recent Reuters article mentioned earlier, Google’s Schmidt admitted that talks with Facebook to allow importation of friends from Facebook to Google ended in an impasse, and talks with Twitter to integrate that service also broke down. That leaves Google+ a little less convenient for people who like to link their profiles together.

But the other loser in Google’s failed “Facebook integration” talks is Facebook, because Google has a huge user base (including people who use Gmail, Google Checkouts, or Picasa, for example), and Facebook has been butting up against a lot of negative press lately that could increase Facebook users' willingness to switch to Google+ if they have to choose one or the other..

Theory 3: There Can Be Only One Survivor

The "One Social Network to Rule Them All" mentality might be right as consumers get smarter about how to deal with social media. Judy Shapiro, a blogger for AdAge and the CEO of EngageSimply, a technology marketing firm, says that both Facebook and Google+ are in a war, and consumers will choose the victor based on privacy or on how well they can turn the social network off. “Google+ is just Google's attempt to be Facebook, and Facebook is doing its share to become Google,” Shapiro says.


In the beginning, Google had search and a way to make money through ads, and Facebook had social data. Google seems to feel that the best way to improve the accuracy of its search results is to integrate social data, something it tried to do back in 2010 when it acquired Aardvark, a company that gave feedback to questions based on the preferences of the asker's identifiable friends and followers. For its part, Facebook has gradually built an onsite platform that allows advertisers to send targeted ads based on users’ personal and preference data. It has also established a partnership with Bing to help generate revenue from all of that social data.
But Shapiro argues that the convergence in what Google and Facebook can do might not merely create a mass exodus of users from one social network to the other; it might ensure their mutual destruction. “The more precisely a network can target us [in terms of ad-sales] the more resistant we become to it,” she says. “If you marry the strength of the search that Google has with behavioral base of social media that Facebook has, that's a one-two punch. But our privacy becomes the collateral damage.” Eventually we might get smart enough to seek alternatives that let us share information with friends and family, and yet avoid sharing it with companies that have an abiding interest in monetizing our data.

9 weird newly discovered species which might turn out to be aliens

By Evan Hoovler

From: http://blastr.com/

There's a popular movie theme in which scientists on the bottom of the ocean find extraterrestrial beings. We have to imagine that scientists in the Philippines recently felt something similar when they found 300 previously undiscovered life forms.
Here are our nine contenders for species they found that may probably turn out to be freaky aliens:

Alien Worm That Lives in Coral

This freaky little specimen is a new type of the genus Myrianida, which is Latin for "beast that wants to burrow into your brain, like in that one Night Gallery episode." This is what it probably looks like when it's laying eggs in someone's skull:


This exotic-looking creature lurks in coral all day. For many marine species, coral is like a house you can eat. We wonder if "looking as freaky as possible" is a successful defense against predators. If so, the ugly fish must get all the ladies.

Crab With Teeth on Its Claws

This answers the question "What does H.P. Lovecraft step on when he's swimming in the ocean?" Seriously, this thing looks like it just went on a cutting spree and is coated in the blood of its victims. It's the marine version of Rorschach: a deviant, bloody monster with an inkblot on its head. What do you see when you stare at the crab's back? Because we see the sallow face of death ... or is that just us?

Sea Slug That Oozes Poison

Being a sea slug is kind of like being a living oil painting—


Except, instead of security lasers guarding this oil painting, it simply emits poison. The gastropod lives at the depths of the sea, no doubt because in light it would be spotted by predators faster than the Mona Lisa at a flea market. So they make up for it by staying in the dark and tasting really, really bad. Which makes us wonder, if we had predators, how would we make ourselves taste really bad? Probably by not bathing ... or would that make us taste better, like a sweaty saute?

Unidentified Coral Looks Just Like a Tree

This is a new type of soft coral. Scientists suspect it belongs to the genus Umbeliulifera. We, however, suspect it might be a new form of Triffid that is planning a hostile takeover. It grows up to a half-meter, which scientists assure us is quite a great height for underwater alien coral trees. What's it like being coral? Does coral just sit there, content with its life? Or does it harbor dreams of one day making it to the big show at the Great Barrier Reef?

Starfish Eats Bizarre Diet

It must be tough finding a wide selection of food when your main means of locomotion resembles a blob of silly putty climbing down a wall. For most starfish, a meal is comprised of mussels that are even slower and dumber. However, in the deep sea Philippines, mussels have been on the decline, so starfish have had to adapt.
One thing there is a bunch of on the bottom of the sea is driftwood, and this new starfish has formed a diet exclusively on that. So it can be said that this starfish is the termite of the marina kingdom. Or it's an alien, which makes far more sense.

Inflatable Shark

So this cute little shark is kinda small. Scientist observed it filling with water to inflate its body. The purpose is to appear larger, in order to scare away predators. Which, if you're paying close attention, means there's something in the water in the Philippines that preys on sharks! Sometimes, to really annoy bigger animals, these swellsharks will dive between two rocks and inflate, so that predators can't pull them out. This is undoubtedly what passes for highbrow slapstick comedy in the aquatic world.

Sea Pen

During the day, this new species of sea pen is nowhere to be found. Hoping to escape predators, it buries itself under the sand. Which means that if you travel to the bottom of the sea, you still haven't gone down far enough to see all the life that exists.
Sea pens get their name from their resemblance to antique quill pens. However, scientists still haven't found a sea pen that produces enough feces to consistently write with.

Pancake Sea Slug

Another new member to what might be the most beautiful genus on earth, the Pancake sea slug oozes its way along the deep waters of the sea. Interestingly, sea slugs are part of the same group as snails. Sea slugs are saltwater snails that have abandoned their shells. Another fun fact is that their anuses are located right below their head. We wonder if they didn't need a shell because predators of the deep just feel sorry for sea slugs, and take pity by not eating them.

Lobsters with no shells

It seems like these creatures have a really hard road in life. When your cousins need full-plate body armor just to survive, and you've got nothing ... things are going to be difficult. This species has to constantly hide from predators. As such, it can't grow too big—it constantly needs to find crevices on the ocean floor into which to scurry. Not to mention their puny arms look like they couldn't pinch a penny. The bottom of the sea sure contains a lot of the picked-on nerds of the animal kingdom.

It's amazing to realize that there are still places on Earth teeming with undiscovered life forms, some of which are probably really cool-looking. One can only imagine what freaky animals are still waiting to be discovered by humans.

Mesa, AZ Arc

  From: http://i.imgur.com/CmNAE.jpg

i.imgur.com

40 Years Later Charlie's Hiring Is Still Willy Wonka's Greatest Failure

Author: Mack Rawden
From: http://www.cinemablend.com/

Forty years ago, an eccentric genius with an impressive business acumen and a brilliant handle on sweets engineered one of the most ludicrous publicity schemes of all-time. A Howard Hughes-esque recluse for a portion of his life, Willy Wonka zealously guarded both himself and his factory of secrets until one day, he decided to find himself an heir and get obscenely rich in the process. To accomplish both of these goals, he hid five golden tickets inside candy bars and watched as chocolate-stained fingers forked over tens of millions of dollars for a peek inside his world of pure imagination.

It doesn’t take a Harvard Law Professor to deduce this might not have been the best way to go about hiring a CEO. Then again, it doesn’t take a degree in economics to deduce this may have been the greatest money-making strategy in history. Rich factory owners converted their plants into candy-opening stations. Rumors of false ticket finds propelled the streets into near anarchy, and all the while, Wilder’s Wonka likely sat inside his castle, piling money next to a trampoline and rolling around inside it like some fabulously wealthy raccoon.

In the end, an almost destitute child proved victorious. With a crazy old grandfather on his arm and a belly full of dreams, Charlie Bucket took his triumphant elevator ride and plotted his future. Admittedly, it’s a nice little rags-to-riches story, but it’s time we forecasted a bit into the future. What the hell will his succession mean for the future of the candy conglomerate? Does Willy Wonka even care that Charlie Bucket doesn’t know a damn thing about running a global empire? He might try to teach him, sure, but there’s no telling whether any of that knowledge will stick. He should have looked harder at other options. He didn’t have to pick Charlie. In fact, I’d argue he shouldn’t have picked Charlie. Here’s an ordered list of who I would have given the factory to…



10) Mike Teavee With an idiot box obsession and a propensity to try things without thinking through the consequences, Mike Teavee would likely run Wonka’s empire like that idiot who owns the shoe company on Parenthood. Plus, there’s no telling how small he’d willfully shrink himself if given unlimited access to that James Bond villain ray gun he miniaturized himself with the first time around. I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, this mouth breather is hopeless. Apart from his eagerness to try new things which could result in a few unconventional products, I see no positives with passing the mantle on to Mike Teavee. He was bred to be a multi-divorced, low-level cog in a poorly run service industry department, and if promoted above his station, his cap guns would tarnish anything they fired at.



9) Veruca Salt Veruca Salt is quite possibly the most selfish piece of shit ever mistakenly birthed. She stomps her feet more than a tap dancer, crosses her arms more than a bouncer and screams more than an unattended infant. She’s never held down a job, made real friends or filtered a comment in her life. If left to her own devices, she would absolutely implode Wonka’s operation faster than Mike Teavee, but she gets the nod ahead of that moron because I am 100% positive she would put the company in someone else’s hands. A busy princess like this can’t be bothered to run the show herself, at least not while there’s still people left to act like a cunt toward. I even contemplated putting her higher since no one’s ever taken down a Fortune 500 company while tanning, but I’m not sure what the situation is with corporate credit cards inside the Wonka factory. Something tells me Veruca’s incapable of knowing what counts as a work-related expense.



8) Augustus Gloop What do you get when you guzzle down sweets? Eating as much as an elephant eats? Your fat ass stuck in the chocolate shoot apparently. This pudgy preteen may lack common sense and social interaction skills, but he does know a tasty snack when he tries it. Let me ask you a question. Let’s say you want to go out to dinner and gorge yourself on ribs. You’ve been craving that succulent deliciousness for weeks, but you have no idea where to go. Friend one, a three hundred pound glutton who constantly obsesses over food, tells you he knows the best rib joint in town. Friend two, a one hundred twenty-three pound female who frequently raves about Wheat Thins, tells you she also knows a place. Who’s advice are you going to take? Obviously the fat dude’s. That’s the logic behind why Augustus ends up eighth. He has nothing practical to offer except his propensity to eat, but at this point on the list, we’re still choosing the less awful.



7) Violet Beauregarde I know like two facts about Violet Beauregarde. She chews gum, and she hates that bitch Cornelia Prinzmetel. The gum chewing doesn’t have any bearing on running a business, but the willingness to step on her opponent’s throat no matter what certainly does. You think this cutthroat would bat an eyelash at running Ma and Pa chocolate maker out of business? I doubt it. She’s like Wal-Mart’s business model condensed and jammed into a four foot three inch package. Besides, unlike Mike Teavee and Augustus Gloop, I’m pretty positive she’s not stupid enough to get hoisted by the same candy petard. If only she could direct that pent-up rage into progressive trade policies. I’m not hopeful, but I can imagine a world in which Violet could effectively run a business. Then again, I can also imagine one where she’s pulling some rival mother’s hair at her son’s U-10 soccer game. Go get her, Violet.



6) Grandpa Joe Bring up Grandpa Joe in casual conversation and you’re likely to hear someone say, “Ohh, that nice old man Charlie brought on the tour?” He’s definitely older than Abraham and he did go on the tour, but nice is categorically the wrong adjective to describe Grandpa Joe. History has somehow been rewritten to let this geezer off the hook. The fact of the matter is this blowhard laid in bed day and night for years while his family struggled to feed itself. Sure, he talked about removing his wrinkled and lazy ass from under those sheets, but when it came time to get a job, he sulked and laid back down next to the three other apathetic bums. Hopped up on adrenaline from the realization that his legs still worked, he made it through the tour, but there’s no telling the awfulness his body is going to feel the next morning. Plus, can you really count on this guy to outlive Willy Wonka? I’m not even confident he can live through the night.



5) Charlie Bucket Enthusiastic to learn and chock-full of morals, you could do a lot worse than Charlie Bucket, but let’s not kid ourselves and pretend he’s Warren Buffet. He has no experience in managing assets. The one time he actually had disposable income ( that he found on the ground), he immediately spent it on chocolate despite the fact that his family is Southern Reconstruction level poor. During the tour, he needlessly and with full knowledge of what he was doing, disobeyed an order from Willy Wonka after he saw what happened to the other kids, and don’t even get me started on his lack of schmoozing abilities. His only friend is his own grandfather who lazes in bed all day and his lack of assertiveness won’t get him anywhere dealing with investors. I’d pay him fifteen bucks to mow my grass, but I certainly would not hand him the keys to a business.



4) Sam Beauregarde I don’t trust this asshole at all. He’s slippery and kind of pathetic looking, but I do appreciate his gusto for shamelessly promoting himself. He turned his own daughter’s press conference into a free commercial, and he’s always eager to tell anyone listening he’s a local politician and prominent civic leader. Do I think he could handle the responsibilities of a dessert empire? Hell no, but he would at least give it a go. Everyone lower than Sam Beauregarde is comically inept. He’s just plain inept, which means with the right team of advisors and a bit of luck, he could do a below-average job. He’s the guy who gets promoted for a year or so until the powers that be decide it’s in everyone’s best interests to return him to his old job. He’s Michael Scott. Great salesman, below-meh boss. There’s other people I’d choose ahead of Sam, but none I’d more like to give a sitcom to.



3) Henry Salt Now, I know what you’re going to say. This douche bag can’t even manage his own daughter. Very true. He has no handle on that brat Veruca, but overseeing a business and overseeing a family are not mutually exclusive. How many rich and powerful men have daughters who marry lowlifes or sons who turn into drug addicts? He’s already the perfect example of that. His daughter owns four mink coats, and he turned his entire factory into an Easter Egg hunting station to please her. You know why he can do that? Because he owns and operates a successful business that’s clearly taking in hundred dollar bills hand over fist. Unless he inherited it from his father, which I don’t think is mentioned, Henry Salt started an operation from the ground up and built it into a well-oiled machine offering society some type of desirable good. I don’t care what percentage of his own salary he’d spend on buying his wife and daughter more useless shit. That’s his personal life. He can fuck that up all he wants. We’re taking this from a business standpoint, and I’d put my money on him a hell of a lot faster than I would these aforementioned clowns.



2) The Oompa-Loompas How long do Oompas live anyway? Are they on human years or dog years? And what’s the reproductive situation? There’s no female Oompas in the movie. Do they have a clear leader? I’m definitely not endorsing some sort of fucked-up communist arrangement here. All of these questions would need to be answered before I officially signed off on the Loompas, but I appreciate their work ethic and clear willingness to laugh at the misfortune of others. I also like that they toil endlessly in exchange for cocoa beans and move large objects in packs, a lot like ants. Plus, the transition of power would be almost completely seamless and guards could be posted on the doors to prevent against Vermicious Knid attack. Goddamn vermicious knids…



1) Arthur Slugworth As far as we know, Arthur Slugworth (real name Wilkinson) is Willy Wonka’s only human employee. He trusts him enough to test each of the children on whether or not they’ll sell the Everlasting Gobstopper secret, and the two seem to share a close and joyful relationship. Doesn’t it seem like this CEO job should have been his to lose? Am I missing something here? Is he mentally-disabled? Does he have lupus? Slugworth seems like the Tom Hagen of Willy Wonka’s world. I understand why you might not want him to rule forever, but he should be at least the transition guy between Wonka and his heir. After screwing him out of the job that’s rightfully his, Wonka should be worried about him selling the company’s secrets. Hey Arthur, you’re not getting my job, but I do need you to go test random twelve year olds to see how competent they would be. What a slap in the face.

Who do you think Willy Wonka should have given his empire to? Tell us in the poll below, and then, for vermicious knid’s sake, go watch Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory.

Who Should Have Taken Over The Factory?

• Mike Teavee
• Veruca Salt
• Violet Beauregarde
• Augustus Gloop
• Grandpa Joe
• Charlie Bucket
• Sam Beauregarde
• Henry Salt
• The Oompa-Loompas
• Arthur Slugworth

  Results

Also check out the cast 40 years later: http://www.pocketburgers.com/2011/05/cast-of-willy-wonka-chocolate-factory.html